Stop being on the phone

 Yesterday, Ollie cried so hard because Daddy didn’t want to play another card game round. He was begging and crying and saying “you promised me on Sunday and you didn’t, you never keep your promises” Ruben asked what are you talking about and Ollie repeated how he asked on Sunday and said “you promised but then you were just on your phone”. Ruben just said “no I wasn’t” multiple times. Eventually he did play the game but I wish Ollie didn’t have to say that at this age and not even get validated or an apology. I wish he could learn how to apologize and live up his words instead. 

I’m proud of Ollie for saying something and standing up for himself and what he felt was unfair. 

Silence

 The silence is gut turning. Every time there is a fight, the dark and endless silence follows. So painful. It never ends by him initiating anything. I don’t think he knows how or he is just so set in being right, being at peace takes the back seat. I think if someone cares, making things right is more important than being right. But it feels like it’s always me who does that work because I don’t want the kids to witness the silence that is so heavy, so unbearable, so debilitating. 

I don’t know what to do anymore. I feel more alone with him than without him. I feel more at peace alone than together. One fight cost us days of misery. That isn’t healthy and I didn’t do anything wrong. I answer the question when he asked if something is wrong. And something was wrong. But to be made to feel so awful about how I feel is cruel. There is no kindness or softness or sympathy, just harsh words and condescending questioning. 

I can’t help how I feel, especially when my feelings don’t find solace and understanding. I don’t know how to quiet my mind when he continues to be next to me and present. I want to take the kids and be as far as possible. I don’t want to feel this way and I don’t want the kids to feel this way. 

I’m lost and feel so sick to my stomach. 

Failed

 I have failed. Or so it feels. I have tried my best to make my marriage work and keep my family together but this is toxic. We are not happy. Neither of us is happy. 

I married a man that cannot empathize, cannot understand others’ feelings. Not mine, not his kids’ and not others. I try so hard to not to complain and all he sees is that I complain. I try so hard to do more but I don’t have more in me and I feel unseen. I don’t ever feel that I would be priority for him and as always in my life when this happens, I do more for the person that doesn’t care because I can’t accept the fact that they don’t care. 

I have to learn to let go. 

Yes Day

 May 4,2024 we did our first YesDay!

A YES day is a day when parents can’t say no to what kids want. Like every game, yes day has some rules, such as set distance for location, set time, nothing illegal, unsafe or dangerous , nothing that results in permanent results (such as tatoo, puppy, etc.) and a set budget. 

Our Yes Day was from 10 am to 10 pm within 30 miles radius with $100/child budget.

We ate donuts for breakfast, went to extreme crazy to play laser tag, went to the arcade, the airpark bouncy, played with the go kart in the yard, played on the computer some FC mobile, and went to IHOP for dinner!! We even hit the jackpot at the arcade and walked away with a gigantic fish tank tube lamp for 10,000 points. No one ever got it before:) 

It was a fantastic day! For me it was actually relaxing in the sense that for once I didn’t have to plan. It is tremendous amount of time to plan things for the family every weekend, making sure everyone is happy, we get things done, we have tickets when we needed, the plan fits tue weather etc. this day might have been physically tiring but I didn’t have to think at all! You guys were both loving every second of it!! Oliver ate a bit too much sugar and got sick in IHOP but small price to pay for so much fun!! 

We will do it again:)

-mommy

Mother’s day

 Mother’s Day is a made up holiday I know. It is not a reflection of a mother child relationship and it has been greatly commercialized putting way more pressure on everyone than necessary. Yet, I like all holidays. Made up or not, it serves as an island when we can express our appreciation for one another. A day when we can communicate “we see each other”. 

I hope when you guys grow up and have your family, you will teach your kids the importance or at least the blessing in these holidays. It’s not everything and it’s not meant to serve as the only time you celebrate each other- but it is an opportunity to be grateful. Please teach your kids to celebrate their mom. Motherhood is the best thing that has ever happened to me and it’s also the hardest. I don’t know what I’m doing and I know I’m making mistakes every day, but I’ve never tried my best so hard, and I’ve never been so committed to something as I am to be your mommy. I love every second of it while I live in constant fear and worry:) please spend every Mother’s Day with me in my life. All I want is to be with you both. 

I love you forever !

-mommy 

Wisdom by sir Anthony Hopkins

 A good read… BRUTAL words from actor ANTHONY HOPKINS 💙💙💙

Let go of the people who are not ready to love you.

It is the hardest thing you'll have to do in your life and it will be the most important thing.

Stop having difficult conversations with people who don't want to change.

Stop showing up for people who aren't interested in your presence.

I know your instinct is to do whatever it takes to gain the appreciation of the people around you, but it's an impulse that robs your time, energy, mental and physical health.

When you start fighting for a life of joy, interest and commitment, not everyone will be willing to follow you there.

It doesn't mean you have to change who you are, it means you have to let go of people who are not ready to be with you.

If you are excluded, offended, forgotten or ignored by the people you give your time to, you are not doing yourself a favor by continuing to offer them your energy and life.

Truth is, you ain't for everyone and not everyone is for you.

This is what makes it so special about meeting people you have friendship or love with.

You will know the value of it because you have experienced what it isn't.

There are billions of people on this planet and many of them will find them on your level of interest and commitment.

If you stop showing up, maybe they won't look for you.

When you stop trying, the relationship ends.

If you stop texting, your phone might stay dark for weeks.

It doesn't mean you ruined the relationship, it's just that the only thing that kept it going was the energy you only gave to keep it.

This is not love, this is connection.

It's giving a chance to those who didn't deserve it!

You deserve much more.

The most valuable thing you own in your life is your time and energy because both are limited.

The people and things you give your time and energy to will define your existence.

When you realize this, you start to understand why you are so anxious about spending time with people, activities, or spaces that don't suit you or shouldn't be around you.

You will start to realize that the most important thing you can do for yourself and everyone around you is to protect your energy more fiercely than anything else.

Make your life a safe haven where only people who are "compatible" with you are allowed.

You're not responsible for saving someone.

It’s not your responsibility to convince them to do better.

It’s not your job to exist for people and give them your life!

You deserve real friendships, real commitment and a full love with healthy wealthy people.

Choosing to distance yourself from toxic people will give you the love, appreciation, happiness and protection you deserve. Copied from the internet. 💙💙💙

It's been a while and we lost our way

 I know it's been a long time without writing. A year and a half. It has been a difficult time for many reasons and I don't think I am ready to dive into details. Not sure , I ever will be. We have gone through losing Abu due to a horrid illness that took his life way before he actually passed away. The treatment, the fatigue, the illness consumed him in every way for years; especially for the last year of his life. It was more than taxing on him and everyone else in the family. Ruben has become a different person and while we all try to support him, we are also a little lost. 

Our relationship once again crumbled under pressure and while we are actively seeking help and we both seem to want to make things better - the progress is slow...if any. Hope isn't gone but it's hanging by a thread. We lost our way and I question if we ever had it. It's a daunting and heavy  weight to carry around.

The kids are growing so fast in the meantime. I don't mean height wise. Just as people. They are growing and developing and while I try to hold on and witness it all - I fear that I am missing so much as so much energy is going to trying to save our little family. I hope 2024 will bring a positive change. I hope I can let go of some of the stress and try to enjoy the present more. I must keep trying.

Family is everything. 

Mommy