Silence

 The silence is gut turning. Every time there is a fight, the dark and endless silence follows. So painful. It never ends by him initiating anything. I don’t think he knows how or he is just so set in being right, being at peace takes the back seat. I think if someone cares, making things right is more important than being right. But it feels like it’s always me who does that work because I don’t want the kids to witness the silence that is so heavy, so unbearable, so debilitating. 

I don’t know what to do anymore. I feel more alone with him than without him. I feel more at peace alone than together. One fight cost us days of misery. That isn’t healthy and I didn’t do anything wrong. I answer the question when he asked if something is wrong. And something was wrong. But to be made to feel so awful about how I feel is cruel. There is no kindness or softness or sympathy, just harsh words and condescending questioning. 

I can’t help how I feel, especially when my feelings don’t find solace and understanding. I don’t know how to quiet my mind when he continues to be next to me and present. I want to take the kids and be as far as possible. I don’t want to feel this way and I don’t want the kids to feel this way. 

I’m lost and feel so sick to my stomach.