Snow day - blizzard of 2026

What a blizzard we have had today! Over two feet of snow, gusty winds, school closing, travel ban and togetherness:)

We haven’t had snow like this since 2015, the winter when I was pregnant with Noah. That was a crazy winter! According to the news, we actually haven’t had snow like this since 1978 hit I wouldn’t know that. To me this was crazy, and it just added to the for and a had snow that was already on the ground for weeks. I’m not gonna lie, I love the snow. After all, we live in New England, and what’s winter without snow!? 

We have had a challenging week. We couldn’t travel for th February break (usually we go to New Hampshire), and Noah got the flu two days into the vacation week, so all of our plans got cancelled. We couldn’t go anywhere, so we were cooped up a lot. Now that school was about to start back up, we got hit by the blizzard and got two snow days which means now the last day of school is 6/22, which is not ideal, given that camp also starts that day. 

I also found out that my mom has breast cancer and my sister was already diagnosed a year ago at age 45, which makes me super scared. I’m praying that I don’t get it. I want to live a long life so I can witness your beautiful lives as long as possible. You both have so much potential and so much happiness and adventure to look forward to, I can’t wait to be by your side to witness it all:) I love you both more than words can say. 

Cheers to another snow day tomorrow! Let’s have some fun!

-Mommy 

How I love both of you till the end of time, through and through

 Dear Noah and Ollie, 

I wish you knew that sometimes when the house is dark and quiet, I come in and watch you breathe for a minute. I wonder there in the stillness if you know how much I love you. I think about the things I could have said differently, and I wonder if you let my mistakes roll off of you or if they stuck.  I hope and pray there in the stillness that you would know how deeply and widely I love you.

You saw me at my best today, and you saw me at my worst. We cuddled on the couch this morning and your bed head was pressed into my chest. I smelled your hair and whispered I love you. I also lectured you about doing your chores and responsibilities before doing anything else you wanted to do, and was way grumpier than I needed to be. Later, I laid on your bed and apologized for being a jerk.

You’ve seen me in all my colors and I have no facades with you. I am just one mess of a Mama that apologizes often and loves you with every fiber of my being.

I want you to know…

I don’t really know what I’m doing. I wish I did, but I don’t. I do my best and I trust my gut, but sometimes I make mistakes. Sometimes I say things that shouldn’t be said. Please keep telling me when I hurt you and I will make it right. We are learning and growing together.

Sometimes I can’t find the words to let you know how I feel about you. I want to, but I can’t.

Though sometimes I am overwhelmed and stressed I wish I could push pause and keep these days forever and ever.

I am proud of you. I tell you that, but I know you don’t fully understand what that means yet. I’m proud of you in a way that doesn’t depend on your successes or failures. I’m proud of who you are and I will always be your greatest fan…no matter what.

I hope my imperfection gives you permission to be imperfect too. I hope you always let me see your flaws and your mistakes because you know I’m safe. I hope you never hesitate to tell me when you’ve screwed up, because this imperfect mama will love you no matter what.

My love will wrap itself around you whether you want it or not. There’s nothing you could ever do that would make it stop. Not ever.

I am yours.

We’re in this together for the long haul my loves, and there’s nowhere I’d rather be than here.

I love you.

Mommy

Stop being on the phone

Yesterday, Ollie cried so hard because Daddy didn’t want to play another card game round. He was begging and crying and saying “you promised me on Sunday and you didn’t, you never keep your promises” Ruben asked what are you talking about and Ollie repeated how he asked on Sunday and said “you promised but then you were just on your phone”. Ruben just said “no I wasn’t” multiple times. Eventually he did play the game but I wish Ollie didn’t have to say that at this age and not even get validated or an apology. I wish he could learn how to apologize and live up his words instead. 

I’m proud of Ollie for saying something and standing up for himself and what he felt was unfair. 

Silence

The silence is gut wrenching. Every time there is a fight, the dark and endless silence follows. So painful. It never ends by him initiating anything. I don’t think he knows how or he is just so set in being right, being at peace takes the back seat. I think if someone cares, making things right is more important than being right. But it feels like it’s always me who does that work because I don’t want the kids to witness the silence that is so heavy, so unbearable, so debilitating. 

I don’t know what to do anymore. I feel more alone with him than without him. I feel more at peace alone than together. One fight cost us days of misery. That isn’t healthy and I didn’t do anything wrong. I answer the question when he asked if something is wrong. And something was wrong. But to be made to feel so awful about how I feel is cruel. There is no kindness or softness or sympathy, just harsh words and condescending questioning. 

I can’t help how I feel, especially when my feelings don’t find solace and understanding. I don’t know how to quiet my mind when he continues to be next to me and present. I want to take the kids and be as far as possible. I don’t want to feel this way and I don’t want the kids to feel this way. 

I’m lost and feel so sick to my stomach. 

Failed

 I have failed. Or so it feels. I have tried my best to make my marriage work and keep my family together but this is toxic. We are not happy. Neither of us is happy. 

I married a man that cannot empathize, cannot understand others’ feelings. Not mine, not his kids’ and not others. I try so hard to not to complain and all he sees is that I complain. I try so hard to do more but I don’t have more in me and I feel unseen. I don’t ever feel that I would be priority for him and as always in my life when this happens, I do more for the person that doesn’t care because I can’t accept the fact that they don’t care. 

I have to learn to let go. 

Yes Day

 May 4,2024 we did our first YesDay!

A YES day is a day when parents can’t say no to what kids want. Like every game, yes day has some rules, such as set distance for location, set time, nothing illegal, unsafe or dangerous , nothing that results in permanent results (such as tatoo, puppy, etc.) and a set budget. 

Our Yes Day was from 10 am to 10 pm within 30 miles radius with $100/child budget.

We ate donuts for breakfast, went to extreme crazy to play laser tag, went to the arcade, the airpark bouncy, played with the go kart in the yard, played on the computer some FC mobile, and went to IHOP for dinner!! We even hit the jackpot at the arcade and walked away with a gigantic fish tank tube lamp for 10,000 points. No one ever got it before:) 

It was a fantastic day! For me it was actually relaxing in the sense that for once I didn’t have to plan. It is tremendous amount of time to plan things for the family every weekend, making sure everyone is happy, we get things done, we have tickets when we needed, the plan fits tue weather etc. this day might have been physically tiring but I didn’t have to think at all! You guys were both loving every second of it!! Oliver ate a bit too much sugar and got sick in IHOP but small price to pay for so much fun!! 

We will do it again:)

-mommy

Mother’s day

 Mother’s Day is a made up holiday I know. It is not a reflection of a mother child relationship and it has been greatly commercialized putting way more pressure on everyone than necessary. Yet, I like all holidays. Made up or not, it serves as an island when we can express our appreciation for one another. A day when we can communicate “we see each other”. 

I hope when you guys grow up and have your family, you will teach your kids the importance or at least the blessing in these holidays. It’s not everything and it’s not meant to serve as the only time you celebrate each other- but it is an opportunity to be grateful. Please teach your kids to celebrate their mom. Motherhood is the best thing that has ever happened to me and it’s also the hardest. I don’t know what I’m doing and I know I’m making mistakes every day, but I’ve never tried my best so hard, and I’ve never been so committed to something as I am to be your mommy. I love every second of it while I live in constant fear and worry:) please spend every Mother’s Day with me in my life. All I want is to be with you both. 

I love you forever !

-mommy