This is not for you kiddos. This piece is really for me. I find that writing things down and out of my mind helps clarify things. I don't know if that's possible or not, but it's worth a shot. Daddy and I are hitting a rough patch I think. I say "I think" because it so damn hard to admit it. I know that some people say it's normal with two little kids to hit a low point in the marriage, but that's not easy to make peace with. After all, Daddy and I came before you guys even existed. We fell in love and made a commitment, a promise to each other. - That means something. I want you guys to know or learn that commitments matter. They must. even in this disconnected online kind of world, you make a promise/commitment, you keep your word. Be a man, and live up to it. Don't start finding excuses and explanations why you couldn't. We can all come up with an endless list of excuses believe me. That list is always longer than the reasons to hold on, cross our hearts and honor the commitment we made. It's just easier to come up with the "why nots" than the "why yes" list. Don't be like that. Honor your own words and commitments. You owe it to others as much as you owe it to yourself out of respect. If you lose that, you are nothing.
Anyway, we made a commitment, and i WANT TO believe that it means something and that we can both live up to it. Lately, it's been difficult to believe. I've felt like this for a long time now. At least since I was pregnant with Ollie. I feel that I matter less and less to Daddy. he is an amazing father, I couldn't ask for a better one for you guys. But he stopped seeing me. Maybe he stopped loving me, I don't know, I try not to believe that, but it's difficult.
I know we are both tired and stretch ourselves to the limits, but I feel that somehow I'm the last on his list. He rarely if ever looks at me when I talk to him. he says he is listening, but he is multitasking most of time while i try to talk to him. Either watching the TV, or his phone, or fixing something, or checking the mail or trying to pay bills, or whatever. There is always something, and I feel hurt. I think I deserve to be looked when i'm talking. I know it's impossible to do that all the time, it would be unrealistic knowing our busy lives, but sometimes would be nice. He rarely tries to make me smile (I actually can't remember the last time) and he never initiates any affection. No matter how I am aware of our crazy lives and how tired he must be, I can't accept this or justify it. I am living the same life. I am just as tired, just as busy. But I do look at him many times when he talks to me. I do try to be loving and caring and affectionate but when it feels like it's only me initiating for such a long time, it's too many disappointments, so I made myself do less and it just became normal. That's not okay.
We all deserve to be happy. i want nothing more than you guys to be happy and for Daddy to be happy but I would also like to be happy. You guys are my universe, but I miss Daddy. And I don't know what else to do or say to change the place where we are.
I don't know the solution and I don't want to waste time guessing right now (especially because i am at work and I should be working), so i will stop here. I just feel lonely and lost a bit.
Anyway, we made a commitment, and i WANT TO believe that it means something and that we can both live up to it. Lately, it's been difficult to believe. I've felt like this for a long time now. At least since I was pregnant with Ollie. I feel that I matter less and less to Daddy. he is an amazing father, I couldn't ask for a better one for you guys. But he stopped seeing me. Maybe he stopped loving me, I don't know, I try not to believe that, but it's difficult.
I know we are both tired and stretch ourselves to the limits, but I feel that somehow I'm the last on his list. He rarely if ever looks at me when I talk to him. he says he is listening, but he is multitasking most of time while i try to talk to him. Either watching the TV, or his phone, or fixing something, or checking the mail or trying to pay bills, or whatever. There is always something, and I feel hurt. I think I deserve to be looked when i'm talking. I know it's impossible to do that all the time, it would be unrealistic knowing our busy lives, but sometimes would be nice. He rarely tries to make me smile (I actually can't remember the last time) and he never initiates any affection. No matter how I am aware of our crazy lives and how tired he must be, I can't accept this or justify it. I am living the same life. I am just as tired, just as busy. But I do look at him many times when he talks to me. I do try to be loving and caring and affectionate but when it feels like it's only me initiating for such a long time, it's too many disappointments, so I made myself do less and it just became normal. That's not okay.
We all deserve to be happy. i want nothing more than you guys to be happy and for Daddy to be happy but I would also like to be happy. You guys are my universe, but I miss Daddy. And I don't know what else to do or say to change the place where we are.
I don't know the solution and I don't want to waste time guessing right now (especially because i am at work and I should be working), so i will stop here. I just feel lonely and lost a bit.
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