I am struggling. I am struggling with our relationship, and my role in it. I wonder how I got here. How we got here? Were there obvious signs ignored? Or just overwhelmed with other priorities at the moment?
I remember the beginning. Vaguely, but I do. It was liberating. Relaxing. Like coming home. I felt on the top of the world. Secure and loved. I felt that I could never be hurt. Not by you at least.
But time has proven otherwise. I got hurt. More than Once. By you.
Is it me? Did I cause it? Did I deserve it? And if so, for how long? How much?
What should I do? What CAN I do?
We have two beautiful kids. They are simply awesome. But they feel it, and my heart breaks because no matter how hard I try to hide it or spare them from the feeling that we are broken in some ways, I don't seem to get a grip on it. It's too deep. Too frequent. Too painful.
I've tried to talk to you many times. You think it's nagging...bitching...complaining. I've tried to change. I've tried to accept it's life...that there is nothing more to it. I've tried to lower my expectations. I've tried to look at it from different angles, and I tried to react differently.
I tried reacting as much as I tried being proactive. I tried tears, I tried anger, I tried sadness.
I tried distance and I tried closeness. You name it, I tried it all.
Our life isn't easy. It hasn't been since the kids came along. We are in the grind every day, every waking minute. Of course, I feel gratitude for our health and for our kids and for everything we have. But in reality, our life isn't what I pictured, what I hoped for. We work nonstop. We barely have time for our kids, let alone for each other. We never stop. We don't see half of what the other carries on his/her shoulder, and therefore we don't show half the appreciation for each other as we should. Or maybe we are just too tired to show it. I don't know. It's draining. We both give, we both grind, we both go 100 miles/hr - so much so that we don't have the time TO PAUSE and simply, care.
Care for each other. Care for ourselves. Pause, to say THANK YOU. Pause TO LISTEN. Pause to offer sympathy or to offer healthy confrontation. Pause to enjoy life. Our lives. And somehow, our life has become nothing but work - work at work, work at home, work with the kids. Work we get paid for, and work we don't. Household logistics, parenting, caregiving, cleaning, accounting, nursing, organizing, planning, appointments, endless to do lists, shopping, packing, unpacking, yard work, house work, laundry, etc. etc. etc.
Suddenly, I find ourselves not living. We don't give the time of the day to each other. And through all this I "complain". Or so you claim: I complain all the time.
So yes. I complain. I am not going to defend myself or come up with excuses if that is how you see it. But so what if I complain? Never mind, that we both do. Never mind that maybe I have some merit (legit reasons) to the complaints. But most of all, never mind that complaining is STILL BETTER than other options. Complaining means I still care.
There is a huge difference between criticism and complaint.
Criticism carries judgement.
Complaint carries a need. Complaining means one cares. One needs. One asks. Maybe they don't ask or communicate the best way, but nevertheless they do.
I complain about you not listening because I need TO BE HEARD.
I complain that you don't look at me when I speak because I need TO BE SEEN.
I complain that you don't initiate conversations or spending time with me because I need TO MATTER.
I complain that you don't do certain things for me without putting up an argument or without having it to be on your terms, because I need TO FEEL IMPORTANT to you.
I complain that you get defensive because I need TO BE UNDERSTOOD.
There are only 3 words that are more important to me than "I love you". And those are: I UNDERSTAND YOU. That means more than anything to me (to most of us) and that is what made me fall in love with you. For the first time, I felt understood when I met you. It's been a long time, a very long time that I felt that way.
I complain because I don't feel noticed. I don't feel that my thoughts and feelings count for something. I don't feel more important in your world than work or other people on the other end of a text, or call or facebook.
I want to be appreciated and I want my life, which I am SPENDING WITH YOU, to be meaningful.
I don't want to get through life. I don't want to make it through our marriage. I want to live. I want to dive in and experience marriage - even when we fight, knowing that at the end of the day we will land on the same page, even when that means sacrifice or compromise.
The truth is I rather fight than feel nothing. Fights are not the reason for a relationship to die. Unfair fight however is poison. Saying things just to hurt is fatal. It's mean, and "mean" cannot be part of any relationship. Words are powerful. Whether one means them or not...Once they are said, they are also heard. And therefore, they cannot be taken back. They are out there doing what they were meant to do. In this case hurting.
I remember the beginning. Vaguely, but I do. It was liberating. Relaxing. Like coming home. I felt on the top of the world. Secure and loved. I felt that I could never be hurt. Not by you at least.
But time has proven otherwise. I got hurt. More than Once. By you.
Is it me? Did I cause it? Did I deserve it? And if so, for how long? How much?
What should I do? What CAN I do?
We have two beautiful kids. They are simply awesome. But they feel it, and my heart breaks because no matter how hard I try to hide it or spare them from the feeling that we are broken in some ways, I don't seem to get a grip on it. It's too deep. Too frequent. Too painful.
I've tried to talk to you many times. You think it's nagging...bitching...complaining. I've tried to change. I've tried to accept it's life...that there is nothing more to it. I've tried to lower my expectations. I've tried to look at it from different angles, and I tried to react differently.
I tried reacting as much as I tried being proactive. I tried tears, I tried anger, I tried sadness.
I tried distance and I tried closeness. You name it, I tried it all.
Our life isn't easy. It hasn't been since the kids came along. We are in the grind every day, every waking minute. Of course, I feel gratitude for our health and for our kids and for everything we have. But in reality, our life isn't what I pictured, what I hoped for. We work nonstop. We barely have time for our kids, let alone for each other. We never stop. We don't see half of what the other carries on his/her shoulder, and therefore we don't show half the appreciation for each other as we should. Or maybe we are just too tired to show it. I don't know. It's draining. We both give, we both grind, we both go 100 miles/hr - so much so that we don't have the time TO PAUSE and simply, care.
Care for each other. Care for ourselves. Pause, to say THANK YOU. Pause TO LISTEN. Pause to offer sympathy or to offer healthy confrontation. Pause to enjoy life. Our lives. And somehow, our life has become nothing but work - work at work, work at home, work with the kids. Work we get paid for, and work we don't. Household logistics, parenting, caregiving, cleaning, accounting, nursing, organizing, planning, appointments, endless to do lists, shopping, packing, unpacking, yard work, house work, laundry, etc. etc. etc.
Suddenly, I find ourselves not living. We don't give the time of the day to each other. And through all this I "complain". Or so you claim: I complain all the time.
So yes. I complain. I am not going to defend myself or come up with excuses if that is how you see it. But so what if I complain? Never mind, that we both do. Never mind that maybe I have some merit (legit reasons) to the complaints. But most of all, never mind that complaining is STILL BETTER than other options. Complaining means I still care.
There is a huge difference between criticism and complaint.
Criticism carries judgement.
Complaint carries a need. Complaining means one cares. One needs. One asks. Maybe they don't ask or communicate the best way, but nevertheless they do.
I complain about you not listening because I need TO BE HEARD.
I complain that you don't look at me when I speak because I need TO BE SEEN.
I complain that you don't initiate conversations or spending time with me because I need TO MATTER.
I complain that you don't do certain things for me without putting up an argument or without having it to be on your terms, because I need TO FEEL IMPORTANT to you.
I complain that you get defensive because I need TO BE UNDERSTOOD.
There are only 3 words that are more important to me than "I love you". And those are: I UNDERSTAND YOU. That means more than anything to me (to most of us) and that is what made me fall in love with you. For the first time, I felt understood when I met you. It's been a long time, a very long time that I felt that way.
I complain because I don't feel noticed. I don't feel that my thoughts and feelings count for something. I don't feel more important in your world than work or other people on the other end of a text, or call or facebook.
I want to be appreciated and I want my life, which I am SPENDING WITH YOU, to be meaningful.
I don't want to get through life. I don't want to make it through our marriage. I want to live. I want to dive in and experience marriage - even when we fight, knowing that at the end of the day we will land on the same page, even when that means sacrifice or compromise.
The truth is I rather fight than feel nothing. Fights are not the reason for a relationship to die. Unfair fight however is poison. Saying things just to hurt is fatal. It's mean, and "mean" cannot be part of any relationship. Words are powerful. Whether one means them or not...Once they are said, they are also heard. And therefore, they cannot be taken back. They are out there doing what they were meant to do. In this case hurting.
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