How I love both of you till the end of time, through and through

 Dear Noah and Ollie, 

I wish you knew that sometimes when the house is dark and quiet, I come in and watch you breathe for a minute. I wonder there in the stillness if you know how much I love you. I think about the things I could have said differently, and I wonder if you let my mistakes roll off of you or if they stuck.  I hope and pray there in the stillness that you would know how deeply and widely I love you.

You saw me at my best today, and you saw me at my worst. We cuddled on the couch this morning and your bed head was pressed into my chest. I smelled your hair and whispered I love you. I also lectured you about doing your chores and responsibilities before doing anything else you wanted to do, and was way grumpier than I needed to be. Later, I laid on your bed and apologized for being a jerk.

You’ve seen me in all my colors and I have no facades with you. I am just one mess of a Mama that apologizes often and loves you with every fiber of my being.

I want you to know…

I don’t really know what I’m doing. I wish I did, but I don’t. I do my best and I trust my gut, but sometimes I make mistakes. Sometimes I say things that shouldn’t be said. Please keep telling me when I hurt you and I will make it right. We are learning and growing together.

Sometimes I can’t find the words to let you know how I feel about you. I want to, but I can’t.

Though sometimes I am overwhelmed and stressed I wish I could push pause and keep these days forever and ever.

I am proud of you. I tell you that, but I know you don’t fully understand what that means yet. I’m proud of you in a way that doesn’t depend on your successes or failures. I’m proud of who you are and I will always be your greatest fan…no matter what.

I hope my imperfection gives you permission to be imperfect too. I hope you always let me see your flaws and your mistakes because you know I’m safe. I hope you never hesitate to tell me when you’ve screwed up, because this imperfect mama will love you no matter what.

My love will wrap itself around you whether you want it or not. There’s nothing you could ever do that would make it stop. Not ever.

I am yours.

We’re in this together for the long haul my loves, and there’s nowhere I’d rather be than here.

I love you.

Mommy

Stop being on the phone

 Yesterday, Ollie cried so hard because Daddy didn’t want to play another card game round. He was begging and crying and saying “you promised me on Sunday and you didn’t, you never keep your promises” Ruben asked what are you talking about and Ollie repeated how he asked on Sunday and said “you promised but then you were just on your phone”. Ruben just said “no I wasn’t” multiple times. Eventually he did play the game but I wish Ollie didn’t have to say that at this age and not even get validated or an apology. I wish he could learn how to apologize and live up his words instead. 

I’m proud of Ollie for saying something and standing up for himself and what he felt was unfair. 

Silence

 The silence is gut turning. Every time there is a fight, the dark and endless silence follows. So painful. It never ends by him initiating anything. I don’t think he knows how or he is just so set in being right, being at peace takes the back seat. I think if someone cares, making things right is more important than being right. But it feels like it’s always me who does that work because I don’t want the kids to witness the silence that is so heavy, so unbearable, so debilitating. 

I don’t know what to do anymore. I feel more alone with him than without him. I feel more at peace alone than together. One fight cost us days of misery. That isn’t healthy and I didn’t do anything wrong. I answer the question when he asked if something is wrong. And something was wrong. But to be made to feel so awful about how I feel is cruel. There is no kindness or softness or sympathy, just harsh words and condescending questioning. 

I can’t help how I feel, especially when my feelings don’t find solace and understanding. I don’t know how to quiet my mind when he continues to be next to me and present. I want to take the kids and be as far as possible. I don’t want to feel this way and I don’t want the kids to feel this way. 

I’m lost and feel so sick to my stomach. 

Failed

 I have failed. Or so it feels. I have tried my best to make my marriage work and keep my family together but this is toxic. We are not happy. Neither of us is happy. 

I married a man that cannot empathize, cannot understand others’ feelings. Not mine, not his kids’ and not others. I try so hard to not to complain and all he sees is that I complain. I try so hard to do more but I don’t have more in me and I feel unseen. I don’t ever feel that I would be priority for him and as always in my life when this happens, I do more for the person that doesn’t care because I can’t accept the fact that they don’t care. 

I have to learn to let go.