Stop being on the phone

 Yesterday, Ollie cried so hard because Daddy didn’t want to play another card game round. He was begging and crying and saying “you promised me on Sunday and you didn’t, you never keep your promises” Ruben asked what are you talking about and Ollie repeated how he asked on Sunday and said “you promised but then you were just on your phone”. Ruben just said “no I wasn’t” multiple times. Eventually he did play the game but I wish Ollie didn’t have to say that at this age and not even get validated or an apology. I wish he could learn how to apologize and live up his words instead. 

I’m proud of Ollie for saying something and standing up for himself and what he felt was unfair. 

Silence

 The silence is gut turning. Every time there is a fight, the dark and endless silence follows. So painful. It never ends by him initiating anything. I don’t think he knows how or he is just so set in being right, being at peace takes the back seat. I think if someone cares, making things right is more important than being right. But it feels like it’s always me who does that work because I don’t want the kids to witness the silence that is so heavy, so unbearable, so debilitating. 

I don’t know what to do anymore. I feel more alone with him than without him. I feel more at peace alone than together. One fight cost us days of misery. That isn’t healthy and I didn’t do anything wrong. I answer the question when he asked if something is wrong. And something was wrong. But to be made to feel so awful about how I feel is cruel. There is no kindness or softness or sympathy, just harsh words and condescending questioning. 

I can’t help how I feel, especially when my feelings don’t find solace and understanding. I don’t know how to quiet my mind when he continues to be next to me and present. I want to take the kids and be as far as possible. I don’t want to feel this way and I don’t want the kids to feel this way. 

I’m lost and feel so sick to my stomach. 

Failed

 I have failed. Or so it feels. I have tried my best to make my marriage work and keep my family together but this is toxic. We are not happy. Neither of us is happy. 

I married a man that cannot empathize, cannot understand others’ feelings. Not mine, not his kids’ and not others. I try so hard to not to complain and all he sees is that I complain. I try so hard to do more but I don’t have more in me and I feel unseen. I don’t ever feel that I would be priority for him and as always in my life when this happens, I do more for the person that doesn’t care because I can’t accept the fact that they don’t care. 

I have to learn to let go.