I am heartbroken. Or I should say I am broken...for now. I don't want to lose my kids. I don't want to share my time with my kids. I don't know how to get out and I don't know how to start over. I don't know what to do, and I can barely define how I feel. The pain is unbearable at times.
I thought we were doing better. I thought, maybe there is hope, Again. I promised myself last time that I won't let the situation fool me. That I will not let my guard down, because the disappointment last time was already unbearable. It has been too much for too long. We will never see to eye to eye and he will never understand me. Last time it felt like everything was just a lie. Everything that I thought was good was really just fake. So I promised, I wouldn't set myself up again. But things have been good, I have made a lot of changes, a lot of compromises, and things were better. They seemed better. I started to trust it a little. Like maybe now we are okay. And then came the slap in the face.
The words were so loud, so harsh and so vindictive. It felt like he wanted to hurt me as much as possible, Like he has been holding onto some kind of anger and now he was ready to pay for it all. And I don't know where that came from. I have tried so hard the last 6-8 months to not give a single reason. Then again, I don't think I ever gave reason to hurt me as bad he has on several occasions, but back, then I convinced myself that somehow I deserved it. That maybe I provoked somehow. Not this time. I truly don't understand where it came from. Like a tiny drizzle turned into a Tsunami within seconds.
It's been 4 days and not a single apologize. Not a single effort to make amends, to talk, to show that he cares enough to make things right. He spent 4 days in New York with his brother and his girlfriend and they are coming back now. I feel like I am going to vomit. The whole room is spinning. How am I supposed to act normal? How am I supposed not cry. Most of all, how am I supposed to go on?
I don't want to go on. I don't want to be with a man that is capable of such hurt whether it's intentional or not. I don't want to keep giving myself, my time, my love and my devotion to someone who doesn't see any of it.
I want to run but I stop in my tracks because of my kids. I love my kids so much.
