Our Daily Lives

Our Daily lives - February 20, 2020 (My 39th Birthday)

This is not intended to be a structured and well written piece. i guess non of the blog entries are, but I feel especially strongly about mentioning it now, since this topic has been on my mind but it is so overwhelming that i keep putting it aside. The problem with that is that our lives are changing so fast, I am afraid to miss the opportunity about the current one. I already missed the chance to write about life with tiny babies (infants), so I figured I just write down what I can, even if it's not well organized.

One day I presume my kids will have kids on their own and as a future grandma, I want to be able to remember how it feels to be in the midst of it all, so i can adequately help when the time comes. Sometimes, it is hard to remember how something felt in the past, prohibiting us from being able to offer real empathy and helpful encouragement to others. So here it goes.

Our boys (Noah and Ollie) are 4.5 and 3 years old. Yes this is really the thick of it. Fatigue is present nonstop and runs so deep it is hard to describe. Most of the time it's a chaos. We try to follow some parenting fundamentals and make the best decision we can in the moment with the future in mind, but boy it is difficult when we are stretched to our limits every day, every hour.

Most weekdays, my alarm goes off at 5:30 am. I leave the house at 6:36 and I'm siting on the 6:50 am train heading to work. By I commute about an hour and a half on a good day, two hours (or more) on a bad one. I carry a rather heavy backpack with my laptop and I usually write some personal emails or "to do" lists on the train. I am at work for 8-8.5 hours and then I had home. I get an hour lunch break, but I rarely take it, since i always have to work or run errands for the family during lunch; or make phone calls to doctors, offices, various departments, etc - there is always something to take care of. So lunch in peace and quiet is non existent these days.

After work, I walk a mile and a half to the train, with my backpack, usually calling Daddy - our last check in before we get home and the craziness starts. When i get off the train I drive to daycare to pick the boys up. This is usually fairly fast but also stressful. All parents are doing the same, so it's a bit chaotic there, kids are excited and loud, they are thrilled to see us but don't want to leave without showing us things or finishing the activity they are working on at the moment. Getting in the car is a bad joke. The nervous words to get them in the car without yelling (because who wants to do that in front of teachers and other parents), the begging or arguing to sit down and buckle so we can finally leave and give our parking spot to another rushing and tired parent.

I LOVE seeing the boys after my day (I miss them every day) but I am also exhausted from a long, nonstop day that is just about to slide into second shift.
After daycare we either go home (Monday, Wednesday, Friday) or head straight to Noah's karate class (Tuesday and Thursdays) making the day even longer. By the time we get home, it's dinner time. If we are lucky, one of us makes it home 30 minutes earlier to start cooking, if not, we go into panic mode to clean the lunch boxes, start peeling, chopping dicing and cooking while trying to be with the kids. We want to spend quality time with them, we think about it all day with excitement but when the time comes, there is just so much to do between stepping through the door and going to bed. Cooking, cleaning, preparing for next day, help with potty, play, discipline, bathe, brush teeth, give medicine (Noah has asthma so medicine is every morning and every night), put creams and oils for skin conditions and finally crash in the bed...to READ.

See by this time, when our bodies finally hit a bed, any bed, we just want to crash. I swear our body is so sore, that I feel like my hair hurts. But we need to read, we want to read, we want to chat about their days, tell stories and then pray that they fall asleep fairly fast. Noah has always been challenging at night. He doesn't go to sleep alone and take 90-120 minutes to fall asleep. Whoever goes with Noah, falls asleep with Noah, which means no downtime, no "me" time, no release at the end of the day. Just sliding into the next day to do it all over again. Lately Ollie has been challenging to put to sleep as well. he used to take 5-10 minutes, now it's an hour. We have to figure something out because it's just too much. We need a little time at the end of the day for ourselves and for each other.

 Whoever does the morning shift with the boys, has to wake up, dress him or herself, dress the boys (usually with fighting about what clothes to wear or not to wear), go downstairs, make breakfast, clean up breakfast, give medicine, go to potty, put shoes and sweaters on, make lunch, pack lunch, put coats on and get in the car. This is ritual is NEVER LESS THAN 90 minutes. At least. Whoever is doing the morning shift is exhausted before even getting to work. See when i wake up early to go to work, I can wake up at 5:45 or even 6 and still leave at 6:30. Uninterrupted time, getting ready, quiet and peace. The person getting the kids ready for school doesn't get that. It's hard to even brush teeth or go to pee in the morning in peace when the kids are there.

I am at work, so I have to cut this short. The way I want to finish this writing, is to say I LOVE my kids. I adore them. I think they are the greatest things on this planet. I will jump in front of a train for them. I love them through and through.
It is an incredibly taxing time of our lives but also the best. It's exhausting, but I, for some reason, also love their dependency on us. The unconditional love, the way they make us feel like we are their universe and cannot do wrong in their eyes, the endless trust they have in us, the curiosity in everything we do or say cannot be taken lightly. It comes with the responsibility to treat them with eternal love, kindness and support. We are the people who will NEVER hurt them, who will always be by their side, who will love them with everything they truly are, who will be their pillars when they need a boost and the shoulders they will sometimes need to lean on to reach their dreams and goals.