Parenting Little Ones - chapter I.
Being the parent of two young children is HARD. Don't get me wrong, it is by far the most rewarding and fulfilling tasks I've taken on, but it is by all means HARD. It is tiring physically, emotionally, mentally. It is chaotic and feels like a whirlwind at most if not all times. It is filled with love so overwhelming that there should be another name for it. However, it is also filled with challenges, doubts, endless worries, nervous anticipation, often questionable reactions. It is all worth it. Yes, it's true. But I aim to write down the real thing, not the illusions. Life, books, friends, society, television will provide enough illusions about having a baby and raising children; but the reality is something no one ever prepared us for.
With that being said, first of all, I want to say sorry to my kids for everything we are doing that may not turn out to be the best decision in the long run (like all parents, we hope there is none of those but we know there will be). Believe me, we are both trying our best every single day, every single hour, every single second. Every act, every word, every decision we make is purely with the Noah and Oliver's best in mind.
Having a baby is the most wonderful life experience. The most profound, the most overwhelming, the most influential on one's life. On the other hand it comes with sleep deprivation, confusion, chaos, doubts, angst, worries and fatigue. When Noah was born, we didn't sleep for months. He was a terrible sleeper, up every hour, sometimes 45 minutes during the night. He wasn't a great breast-feeder and he had constant stomach issues which made him cry sometimes for hours. He has never napped with us. Not once. Until this day (he is 4.5 years old) he wakes up at the crack of dawn, operates like an Energizer bunny 100mph until he crashes around 9:30 pm if we are lucky. It is truly incredible the amount of energy he has. In the meantime, we are both working full time, and I commute 3 hours a day, so we are both gone about 11-12 hours a day (6:30-5:30). For one, when Noah was a baby I finally understood why sleep deprivation can be used as a torture device. I mean darn! it turns you inside out, and eats you up. Secondly, physical fatigue is something we have never experienced before even though we were both professional athletes besides school and work. And the mental load is just too large to even describe. I found that the hardest as a mom.
I find that a Dad can be involved as much as he wants to be, he can change diapers, do night shifts, cook, clean, fold laundry, etc., but the mental load is carried by the mom 95% of the time. The household organization, appointments, scheduling, paperwork (no one tell you how many documents you will have to fill out on your child's behalf), the logistics of chores, bills, drop of, pick up, pharmacy, endless doctor appointments, food shopping (now with a new mindset because nutrition becomes 10 times more important and more complex one a child enters the family) - and all this with the careful calculation of how much time it takes to get out of the house with a baby. Packing for a day becomes as difficult as it was to pack for a 2 week vacation alone. And everything seems to have a deadline yesterday or a due date tomorrow. Moms do that. And working moms (me) don't have the time carved out to do this. I do it on the train, during my walk from the train to work, during bathroom breaks, during eating (if i don't forget to eat). I multitask on a level I cannot describe and i consider myself extremely efficient. But it all comes with a price. I have NO time for me. NONE. I am not exaggerating, absolutely zero. yet, at night, when I put my kids to sleep and they snuggle up next to me, all I can think of "how wonderful my life is".
What I have learned so far and what I want to jot down as helpful tips:
- Structure and precise scheduling is vital but flexibility is also a must.
- Having Plan B and C is very helpful.
- Breathe.
- Adopt the motto "it's okay". (It's okay if the dishes are done, it's okay if you cry, it's okay if you work, it's okay if you don't, it's okay if you want one child, it's okay if you want more, and it's okay if you want none. It's okay to be tired, it's okay to let go. It's okay to not wanting to meet up with friends, and it's okay to want to have time for yourself. It's okay if the bed isn't made, and it's okay if you forget something for a trip; etc.etc) It's ALL okay. Just be kind. be patient...mostly with yourself and then others.
- Keep smiling even if it's forced, at least once a day.
- Find something for yourself (whether it's working out 20 minutes, walk, read, etc. - try not to be on your phone during that "time for yourself".)
- Disconnect from facebook - it's FAKEbook
- The only thing that matters is family and health.
I am sure I will add to this list as time goes on, but I wanted to start these letters before things change and i forget. The one thing about parenthood is that no matter how hard things are, they change all the time and they change fast, even when it doesn't seem like it. What was hard a year ago or even two weeks ago isn't today and what I find hard today probably won't seem like it in a month. So sometimes, learn to let go and ride the wave. Let things play out and accept that not everything can be in your control. It's okay. And whatever issue, concern, dilemma you have on your mind today, the chances are "you don't have to do anything about it TODAY". So breathe. You are doing great. You exactly where you should be. And yes, you CAN.
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