No more

I am heartbroken. Or I should say I am broken...for now. I don't want to lose my kids. I don't want to share my time with my kids. I don't know how to get out and I don't know how to start over. I don't know what to do, and I can barely define how I feel. The pain is unbearable at times. 

I thought we were doing better. I thought, maybe there is hope, Again. I promised myself last time that I won't let the situation fool me. That I will not let my guard down, because the disappointment last time was already unbearable. It has been too much for too long. We will never see to eye to eye and he will never understand me. Last time it felt like everything was just a lie. Everything that I thought was good was really just fake. So I promised, I wouldn't set myself up again. But things have been good, I have made a lot of changes, a lot of compromises, and things were better. They seemed better. I started to trust it a little. Like maybe now we are okay. And then came the slap in the face. 

The words were so loud, so harsh and so vindictive. It felt like he wanted to hurt me as much as possible, Like he has been holding onto some kind of anger and now he was ready to pay for it all. And I don't know where that came from. I have tried so hard the last 6-8 months to not give a single reason. Then again, I don't think I ever gave reason to hurt me as bad he has on several occasions, but back, then I convinced myself that somehow I deserved it. That maybe I provoked somehow. Not this time. I truly don't understand where it came from. Like a tiny drizzle turned into a Tsunami within seconds. 

It's been 4 days and not a single apologize. Not a single effort to make amends, to talk, to show that he cares enough to make things right. He spent 4 days in New York with his brother and his girlfriend and they are coming back now. I feel like I am going to vomit. The whole room is spinning. How am I supposed to act normal? How am I supposed not cry. Most of all, how am I supposed to go on? 

I don't want to go on. I don't want to be with a man that is capable of such hurt whether it's intentional or not. I don't want to keep giving myself, my time, my love and my devotion to someone who doesn't see any of it. 

I want to run but I stop in my tracks because of my kids. I love my kids so much. 

Snow day - blizzard of 2026

What a blizzard we have had today! Over two feet of snow, gusty winds, school closing, travel ban and togetherness:)

We haven’t had snow like this since 2015, the winter when I was pregnant with Noah. That was a crazy winter! According to the news, we actually haven’t had snow like this since 1978 hit I wouldn’t know that. To me this was crazy, and it just added to the for and a had snow that was already on the ground for weeks. I’m not gonna lie, I love the snow. After all, we live in New England, and what’s winter without snow!? 

We have had a challenging week. We couldn’t travel for th February break (usually we go to New Hampshire), and Noah got the flu two days into the vacation week, so all of our plans got cancelled. We couldn’t go anywhere, so we were cooped up a lot. Now that school was about to start back up, we got hit by the blizzard and got two snow days which means now the last day of school is 6/22, which is not ideal, given that camp also starts that day. 

I also found out that my mom has breast cancer and my sister was already diagnosed a year ago at age 45, which makes me super scared. I’m praying that I don’t get it. I want to live a long life so I can witness your beautiful lives as long as possible. You both have so much potential and so much happiness and adventure to look forward to, I can’t wait to be by your side to witness it all:) I love you both more than words can say. 

Cheers to another snow day tomorrow! Let’s have some fun!

-Mommy 

How I love both of you till the end of time, through and through

 Dear Noah and Ollie, 

I wish you knew that sometimes when the house is dark and quiet, I come in and watch you breathe for a minute. I wonder there in the stillness if you know how much I love you. I think about the things I could have said differently, and I wonder if you let my mistakes roll off of you or if they stuck.  I hope and pray there in the stillness that you would know how deeply and widely I love you.

You saw me at my best today, and you saw me at my worst. We cuddled on the couch this morning and your bed head was pressed into my chest. I smelled your hair and whispered I love you. I also lectured you about doing your chores and responsibilities before doing anything else you wanted to do, and was way grumpier than I needed to be. Later, I laid on your bed and apologized for being a jerk.

You’ve seen me in all my colors and I have no facades with you. I am just one mess of a Mama that apologizes often and loves you with every fiber of my being.

I want you to know…

I don’t really know what I’m doing. I wish I did, but I don’t. I do my best and I trust my gut, but sometimes I make mistakes. Sometimes I say things that shouldn’t be said. Please keep telling me when I hurt you and I will make it right. We are learning and growing together.

Sometimes I can’t find the words to let you know how I feel about you. I want to, but I can’t.

Though sometimes I am overwhelmed and stressed I wish I could push pause and keep these days forever and ever.

I am proud of you. I tell you that, but I know you don’t fully understand what that means yet. I’m proud of you in a way that doesn’t depend on your successes or failures. I’m proud of who you are and I will always be your greatest fan…no matter what.

I hope my imperfection gives you permission to be imperfect too. I hope you always let me see your flaws and your mistakes because you know I’m safe. I hope you never hesitate to tell me when you’ve screwed up, because this imperfect mama will love you no matter what.

My love will wrap itself around you whether you want it or not. There’s nothing you could ever do that would make it stop. Not ever.

I am yours.

We’re in this together for the long haul my loves, and there’s nowhere I’d rather be than here.

I love you.

Mommy

Stop being on the phone

Yesterday, Ollie cried so hard because Daddy didn’t want to play another card game round. He was begging and crying and saying “you promised me on Sunday and you didn’t, you never keep your promises” Ruben asked what are you talking about and Ollie repeated how he asked on Sunday and said “you promised but then you were just on your phone”. Ruben just said “no I wasn’t” multiple times. Eventually he did play the game but I wish Ollie didn’t have to say that at this age and not even get validated or an apology. I wish he could learn how to apologize and live up his words instead. 

I’m proud of Ollie for saying something and standing up for himself and what he felt was unfair. 

Silence

The silence is gut wrenching. Every time there is a fight, the dark and endless silence follows. So painful. It never ends by him initiating anything. I don’t think he knows how or he is just so set in being right, being at peace takes the back seat. I think if someone cares, making things right is more important than being right. But it feels like it’s always me who does that work because I don’t want the kids to witness the silence that is so heavy, so unbearable, so debilitating. 

I don’t know what to do anymore. I feel more alone with him than without him. I feel more at peace alone than together. One fight cost us days of misery. That isn’t healthy and I didn’t do anything wrong. I answer the question when he asked if something is wrong. And something was wrong. But to be made to feel so awful about how I feel is cruel. There is no kindness or softness or sympathy, just harsh words and condescending questioning. 

I can’t help how I feel, especially when my feelings don’t find solace and understanding. I don’t know how to quiet my mind when he continues to be next to me and present. I want to take the kids and be as far as possible. I don’t want to feel this way and I don’t want the kids to feel this way. 

I’m lost and feel so sick to my stomach. 

Failed

 I have failed. Or so it feels. I have tried my best to make my marriage work and keep my family together but this is toxic. We are not happy. Neither of us is happy. 

I married a man that cannot empathize, cannot understand others’ feelings. Not mine, not his kids’ and not others. I try so hard to not to complain and all he sees is that I complain. I try so hard to do more but I don’t have more in me and I feel unseen. I don’t ever feel that I would be priority for him and as always in my life when this happens, I do more for the person that doesn’t care because I can’t accept the fact that they don’t care. 

I have to learn to let go. 

Yes Day

 May 4,2024 we did our first YesDay!

A YES day is a day when parents can’t say no to what kids want. Like every game, yes day has some rules, such as set distance for location, set time, nothing illegal, unsafe or dangerous , nothing that results in permanent results (such as tatoo, puppy, etc.) and a set budget. 

Our Yes Day was from 10 am to 10 pm within 30 miles radius with $100/child budget.

We ate donuts for breakfast, went to extreme crazy to play laser tag, went to the arcade, the airpark bouncy, played with the go kart in the yard, played on the computer some FC mobile, and went to IHOP for dinner!! We even hit the jackpot at the arcade and walked away with a gigantic fish tank tube lamp for 10,000 points. No one ever got it before:) 

It was a fantastic day! For me it was actually relaxing in the sense that for once I didn’t have to plan. It is tremendous amount of time to plan things for the family every weekend, making sure everyone is happy, we get things done, we have tickets when we needed, the plan fits tue weather etc. this day might have been physically tiring but I didn’t have to think at all! You guys were both loving every second of it!! Oliver ate a bit too much sugar and got sick in IHOP but small price to pay for so much fun!! 

We will do it again:)

-mommy

Mother’s day

 Mother’s Day is a made up holiday I know. It is not a reflection of a mother child relationship and it has been greatly commercialized putting way more pressure on everyone than necessary. Yet, I like all holidays. Made up or not, it serves as an island when we can express our appreciation for one another. A day when we can communicate “we see each other”. 

I hope when you guys grow up and have your family, you will teach your kids the importance or at least the blessing in these holidays. It’s not everything and it’s not meant to serve as the only time you celebrate each other- but it is an opportunity to be grateful. Please teach your kids to celebrate their mom. Motherhood is the best thing that has ever happened to me and it’s also the hardest. I don’t know what I’m doing and I know I’m making mistakes every day, but I’ve never tried my best so hard, and I’ve never been so committed to something as I am to be your mommy. I love every second of it while I live in constant fear and worry:) please spend every Mother’s Day with me in my life. All I want is to be with you both. 

I love you forever !

-mommy 

Wisdom by sir Anthony Hopkins

 A good read… BRUTAL words from actor ANTHONY HOPKINS 💙💙💙

Let go of the people who are not ready to love you.

It is the hardest thing you'll have to do in your life and it will be the most important thing.

Stop having difficult conversations with people who don't want to change.

Stop showing up for people who aren't interested in your presence.

I know your instinct is to do whatever it takes to gain the appreciation of the people around you, but it's an impulse that robs your time, energy, mental and physical health.

When you start fighting for a life of joy, interest and commitment, not everyone will be willing to follow you there.

It doesn't mean you have to change who you are, it means you have to let go of people who are not ready to be with you.

If you are excluded, offended, forgotten or ignored by the people you give your time to, you are not doing yourself a favor by continuing to offer them your energy and life.

Truth is, you ain't for everyone and not everyone is for you.

This is what makes it so special about meeting people you have friendship or love with.

You will know the value of it because you have experienced what it isn't.

There are billions of people on this planet and many of them will find them on your level of interest and commitment.

If you stop showing up, maybe they won't look for you.

When you stop trying, the relationship ends.

If you stop texting, your phone might stay dark for weeks.

It doesn't mean you ruined the relationship, it's just that the only thing that kept it going was the energy you only gave to keep it.

This is not love, this is connection.

It's giving a chance to those who didn't deserve it!

You deserve much more.

The most valuable thing you own in your life is your time and energy because both are limited.

The people and things you give your time and energy to will define your existence.

When you realize this, you start to understand why you are so anxious about spending time with people, activities, or spaces that don't suit you or shouldn't be around you.

You will start to realize that the most important thing you can do for yourself and everyone around you is to protect your energy more fiercely than anything else.

Make your life a safe haven where only people who are "compatible" with you are allowed.

You're not responsible for saving someone.

It’s not your responsibility to convince them to do better.

It’s not your job to exist for people and give them your life!

You deserve real friendships, real commitment and a full love with healthy wealthy people.

Choosing to distance yourself from toxic people will give you the love, appreciation, happiness and protection you deserve. Copied from the internet. 💙💙💙

It's been a while and we lost our way

 I know it's been a long time without writing. A year and a half. It has been a difficult time for many reasons and I don't think I am ready to dive into details. Not sure , I ever will be. We have gone through losing Abu due to a horrid illness that took his life way before he actually passed away. The treatment, the fatigue, the illness consumed him in every way for years; especially for the last year of his life. It was more than taxing on him and everyone else in the family. Ruben has become a different person and while we all try to support him, we are also a little lost. 

Our relationship once again crumbled under pressure and while we are actively seeking help and we both seem to want to make things better - the progress is slow...if any. Hope isn't gone but it's hanging by a thread. We lost our way and I question if we ever had it. It's a daunting and heavy  weight to carry around.

The kids are growing so fast in the meantime. I don't mean height wise. Just as people. They are growing and developing and while I try to hold on and witness it all - I fear that I am missing so much as so much energy is going to trying to save our little family. I hope 2024 will bring a positive change. I hope I can let go of some of the stress and try to enjoy the present more. I must keep trying.

Family is everything. 

Mommy

First Day of First Grade - Noah

09.06.2022

My Dearest Noah,

Here we are - 1st grade!!! You are growing up too fast and it makes my heart churn. I love watching you grow but it makes me sad how fast time flies. I want to hold onto every moment - every day a little longer. You are growing up. Your face is losing the baby like features and you are starting to resemble a young man. I am not ready! Stop the clock!

You have come a long way this past summer. We weaned you off of a dozen medications, you started to eat (even more than Ollie) and you are growing my love. You are getting stronger EVERY DAY. You have lost 3 teeth as well. It's like everything in your body is catching up and getting so strong!

I love you with all my heart. I know you know that. I know you feel that. Have the time of your life every day. Enjoy learning but most of all sweetheart - HAVE FUN! MAKE FRIENDS! Nothing else matters at this stage of your life. Do NOT worry. Relax and enjoy the ride. Keep smiling! Be kind to others - including yourself. Don't be hard on yourself - you got this. Remember, perfection is in the imperfections. Life is beautiful because it isn't perfect. People are special because they aren't perfect. Give yourself a break sometimes - and just enjoy the little things. you will soar to amazing heights and everything that happens will take you exactly where you need to be. Don't try to control where life takes you - it has a plan just for you and it has a place just for you. 

Enjoy 1st Grade - can't wait to hear about everything every day:)

Love, 

- Mommy

First Day of Kindergarten - Ollie

09.06.2022

My Dearest Ollie,

Here we are - the long awaited day: THE FIRST DAY OF KINDERGARTEN. 

It feels like a big chapter has closed, almost an era. We said good bye to Mansfield Children's Center (MCC) last Friday and I am not going to lie - it was emotional. We LOVE that place. It has become a part of our home and family and it is bittersweet to move on. It's exciting to embark on the new journey and watch you guys grown but it is sad to leave the "baby" chapter behind. 

In any case, you are ready! You are excited. So much so, that when they sent us home today because it was too early to go in - you cried and refused to buckle in the car. I don't know if you are just excited to meet new people, or excited to go where Noah is going, or both, but you are so happy. 

It is a yucky day - pouring cats and dogs since yesterday but nothing can fade your emotions:) 

I hope you have a blast. I hope you fall in love with learning. I hope you make many friends - or even just one. I hope you lie your teacher. I hope school is everything you expect and more. I hope you will come home as happy as you go in. 

You are an amazing human being. You are loved. You are funny, kind hearted and adventurous (sometimes too much). You are determined, witty, clever and most of all you got the secret ingredient: gumption! Never cease to smile my little one - you bring light to this world and everyone around you. 

Shine like a bright star along the way - and enjoy every second. 

Love

-Mommy

We did it!

My Dearest Noah, 

I was waiting for this for so long! Ever since we found out about your adrenal insufficiency 2 days before Christmas I have been leaving in fear. We have been living in fear. My mind was going crazy wondering if we should have noticed things sooner, if we have missed something. etc and mostly, I have been so worried about anything happening to you. I breathe for you my dear Noah. I cannot stand the thought of ANYTHING happening to you. 

It's been 4 months and the doctor has been telling us that even though they suspect secondary (central) adrenal insufficiency caused by your asthma inhalers, the likelihood of reversing it is questioned and takes between 6 months to 3 years. Nothing but time can tell if it's secondary which makes me sick to my stomach, what if it's not, what it's something worse, what if time works against us. 

I have been determined and persistent for years now trying to find  out why are you not feeling well all the time. You haven't grown for 3 years in heights and you are now at 4% on the growth curve. You don't eat. You have constant stomach pain (my heart breaks for you - it's been so many I think you are terrified of any pain). And now you are at high risk for severe outcomes for anything. What is going on - I asked myself countless times. 

Long story short, I never gave up. I went doctor to doctor, I learned everything I could learn about all your diagnoses and symptoms, I kept a daily diary on all of you symptoms and in my gut I knew I can't give up. 

In a way finding out this scary disease put my mind at ease - because it took two years to even find an answer. Now it's dealing with the answer that is hard. But my darling Noah - we were adamant with Daddy to run your blood test for a morning cortisol even though the doctor said no way it's reversed yet. We wanted to know if we are even going in the right direction by reducing your asthma medicine. And a miracle happened! You passed! You needed a minimum of 10 and you had 13.4! I couldn't believe my eyes! It's a miracle. I very well deserved and much needed miracle my love. 

I am still worried - I think I will need a long time before I am not but I am so relieved and so happy for you. We did it! You have been a trooper. You have gone through so many doctors poking you and you were so brave! You were so scared so many times but you trusted us and you did what we asked. You are so aware of your body and mind - it is truly amazing. I wish you didn't have to be brave. I wish you never had any issues so we didn't have to get so numb to the poking but nevertheless we did it. And I fell like we did it as a team! I am so so proud of you! And I love you to the moon back a thousand times. 

-Mommy

A reflection on 2021

 

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year from us to you!

While the pandemic cruelly continued to keep us far and away from most of our loved ones, 2021 was filled with both “firsts” and “lasts” and many special moments and milestones in between.  

Big birthdays (40), new hobbies (piano for Noah), sports (tennis, soccer), taste of triumphs (deep-end swim tests, soccer goals, tennis trophies), last days of old school, first day of new school (Kindergarten for Noah), demolitions, renovations, Netflix and Redbox, family escapes to mountains, lakes and waterfalls (North Woodstock and Dartmouth NH); first visit by the Tooth Fairy, early visit with Santa (Santa’s Village twice), awesome friends and lots of laughter. Vaccines and boosters, worries and relieves. A busy year in an unusual way – and I cannot help but being grateful for staying safe and healthy and for all the time we get to spend together. While some days we drive each other crazy – we will remember this year as the year of being TOGETHER.

The Truth About Santa Claus

ATTENTION TO ALL PARENTS WHO NEED TO TELL THE TRUTH ABOUT SANTA 

Son: "Dad, I think I'm old enough now. Is there a Santa Claus?."
Dad: "Ok, I agree that your old enough. But before I tell you, I have a question for you. You see, the “truth” is a dangerous gift. Once you know something, you can't unknow it. Once you know the truth about Santa Claus, you will never again understand and relate to him as you do now. So my question is: Are you sure you want to know?"
Brief pause...
Son: "Yes, I want to know"
Dad: "Ok, I'll tell you: Yes there is a Santa Claus"
Son: "Really?"
Dad: Yes, really, but he's not an old man with a beard in a red suit. That's just what we tell kids. You see, kids are too young to understand the true nature of Santa Claus, so we explain it to them in a way that they can understand. The truth about Santa Claus is that he's not a person at all; he's an idea. Think of all those presents Santa gave you over the years. I actually bought those myself. I watched you open them. And did it bother me that you didn't thank me? Of course not! In fact it gave me great pleasure. You see, Santa Claus is THE IDEA OF GIVING FOR THE SAKE OF GIVING, without thought of thanks or acknowledgement.
When I saw that woman collapse on the subway last week and called for help, I knew that she'd never know that it was me that summoned the ambulance. I was being Santa Claus when I did that."
Son: "Oh."
Dad: "So now that you know, you're part of it. You have to be Santa Claus too now. That means you can never tell a young kid the secret, and you have to help us select Santa presents for them, and most important, you have to look for opportunities to help people. Got it?"
Help each other this Christmas and...be kind 

Tooth Fairy for Noah

 Finally!

We have been waiting for months and months - Watching everyone else around you losing theirs. Your bottom tooth has been wiggling since the summer it feels like, then the one next to it too, then your new teeth behind them started showing and yet your baby teeth hang on tight. Then the night before Thanksgiving you were eating your favorite - liver pate sandwich - and suddenly you looked up and said: "Oh I lost a tooth, I lost a tooth!' and you put it right in front of me, so tiny:)

An hour later you ran in my bedroom "I lost another one" hahahaha. Two in an hour. You had no mercy on the tooth fairy the night before Thanksgiving. Poor thing had to travel in all that traffic to get to you. And that she did!

Next morning, you found your little jar with two GOLD dollar coins - one of which had Martin van Buren on it - we all thought it said Martin van Ruben hahahaha. You were so happy and you had so many questions: "How does her hand fit in that jar? How did she put it under your bed and why, when you put the jar on the nightstand? How did she come inside? Why two coins? Why gold coins?" - you were so excited and so adorable:)

I'm so happy for you buddy - you were waiting and waiting patiently (sometimes not so patiently) and it finally came! you didn't cry, you didn't freak out, you explained that it was bleeding a little but it's okay to eat your own blood a little hahah. As long as it's your own:) (Woo else's would it be - you are not a vampire). 

You were so thrilled - and you speak so funny now with the two missing. The new teeth came behind them, I hope they will move into the old space and straighten out.

Anyway, so happy for you Kicsi Lego:) I love you!

- Mommy

Noah’s first soccer game

 9/11/2021

First soccer game on the fields behind the Ahern middle school in foxboro! Thursday would have been the first practice but it was cancelled due to rain so there we were at your first game, with no practice. We have never met the coach or the other kids but you were so ready! You were so excited, you didn’t complain about anything in the morning. You woke up, changed into your gear, ate your breakfast, took your medicine, brushed your teeth and you were ready. 

The weather was absolutely gorgeous! Couldn’t have been any better. Sunny Saturday morning about 65 degrees and warming up.

We got to the field and found the coach, introduced you , got your uniform and off we were to the sidelines. 

And that’s when it happened. I mean wow! You started to play like you have played your whole life. You dribbled the ball, passed to teammates, listened to instructions, ran up and down and scored the first goal and then seven more! Amazing. 

We tried to catch it on video but I think we were so amazed that we only caught a little bit on camera. It was priceless. You loved every second! I was so proud. Daddy was so proud. 

And most of all you kept your head down, you were humble and kind. I was so impressed! That’s my boy. 

You were so cute. We told you not tog ER cocky if you do things well or better than others and you took it to heart so much , you didn’t show an ounce of arrogance. I almost felt bad that you seemed almost nervous to celebrate even though you were so awesome! When we got in the car, all you said to me was “mommy, I thought I did really well, but I kept it inside, I didn’t say anything to anyone, only in my own brain I said I was good”. You are the best. You take everything to heart and follow through. Not an easy task especially at this age. Kudos to you Kicsi Lego! I love you so so much! And just know- I’d love you just as much even if you didn’t do well! To me you are awesome in every way- nothing could ever change that. 

-Mommy

Kindergarten for first born - Mommy's perspective

Kindergarten has started for Noah on 9/1/2021. He went last Wednesday and Thursday and then he was off on Friday and Monday (Labor Day). He is back in today. 

So far, Noah LOVES Kindergarten! He tells us about his teachers, his food and his friends. He even did yoga on the first day! He was so excited to go the second day, he was up at 6 am. He loves having a back pack and baby Yoda lunch box. We also shopped new outfits and shoes which he is super excited about. He loves sport brand like Nike and Under Armor, and I got some deals in TJ Maxx, so we bought quiet a few outfits. 

I am thrilled that he loves Kindergarten, but this journal entry isn't about him. It's about Mommy - because sometimes we all just need to vent. 

I must say it's been WAY HARDER than I anticipated that it would be. The day before his first day we had to go for a 90 min orientation where the kids saw their classroom, saw where they will sit, met their new friends and teacher. They even went on a bus ride (which Noah LOVED); the parents sat in the cafeteria where we got some information from the principal, the school nurse, the food service leader, etc. and then went into a classroom to meet the teacher. This was all good and exciting until in the room with the teacher, she was having trouble talking and breathing so per another dad's suggestion, she took her masks off. I was LIVID. Just the Friday before I had to ask her to sit him separately from our neighbor's kid, whose parents are not vaccinated and Noah is high risk; and then she goes ahead and removes her mask right in front of me, indoors. 

Next day (first day of school), I went to pick up Noah and the first thing he said is that it was awesome and he even made a best friend, his name is Kyle - OF COURSE he is the neighbor's kid!!! my anxiety went through the roof. I am so so worried about Noah because of all of his illnesses and respiratory issues since he was little - I cannot have him with unvaccinated people. Of course, all of his classmates are unvaccinated since they are not eligible yet, but I wish their parents were. I know vaccinated people can still carry and transmit the virus, but unvaccinated people carry higher dose and therefore can transmit higher dose. I need Noah SAFE! As much as possible. I HATE that he has to start Kindergarten under these circumstances.

I am trying not to show him my anxiety at all - and I am so happy that he loves going - but I haven't slept for a week. I keep waking up at 3 am and I can't go back to sleep. The night time is the worst, I have so much worry - I don't know what to do with it. If I imagine anything happening to my kids - during nighttime - my brain goes wild. It's awful. I am working on trying to remain positive, especially since we don't really have a choice. He has to go to school. There isn't an option for remote or hybrid learning, so I don't really have a safer choice. I must make peace with it. 

On the other hand, I must mention how insanely chaotic the start of the school has been. It is a myriad of information to process, to read, to sign, to fill out, to bring home and to return, to pay. Need to sign up for various lists, and apps to handle his food order, his medications, his soccer practice, swim lessons, piano lessons, all of his gears and supplies etc. It is a full-time job and last week with all the emotions running high, I was super stressed out. Hopefully this will settle down soon and things will get a little easier because this is way to much to handle and I usually pride myself on performing well under pressure. 

At least we had a 4-day weekend which has been nice. I can't wait for the next weekend already haha:)

I think I will feel better when Ollie goes to the same school so they are closer. It's also hard to go Mansfield Children's Center without comparing it to school. MCC has been a God sent and right now it feels like nothing will ever compare to it. In any case, Noah is happy and handling it like a true big boy which makes me very proud! We can do this together. We are a great team:) I just need some time to adjust. 

- Mommy

  

Kindergarten here he comes - Noah

 My Dearest Noah!

I can't believe it's time for your Kindergarten! We even delayed you by a year for several reasons, mainly the pandemic and remote learning last year, and still, I feel like time is passing way too fast. My first baby! How are you already 6 years old? How are you going to big kids school? 

On the other hand, I know you are so ready. You are incredibly smart and highly intuitive - you are going to be okay. Not only okay but you are going to have an amazing time. I know it!

I am sad that you are done with Mansfield Children's Center but hoping that you will spend some time there on school vacations and summer. We will see. That place was a God sent to you and us as a family. Ollie is still there for another year so it's not a final good bye yet. 

I am curious how will you and Ollie do without each other. Yesterday you spent the morning in Ollie's class because we didn't send you to a filed trip and you didn't want to leave. Ollie was so excited to have you that he didn't leave you alone for second. You two are a miracle together. Truly amazes me every day. But it's only for a year and then he will go to the same school as you (different class of course). 

I am thinking about your schedule. You love activities but you also love being home and doing Legos. I don't want to create the hamster wheel we had before the pandemic, running around every day till it's bed time. But you love piano, and you are starting soccer which you are so excited about, and we are resuming swimming so it's a pretty full schedule. You also started to take tennis lessons - but maybe that will need to stop. I don't know yet. I will talk to you about it this weekend. 

I love chatting with you. It is not only fun but insightful. You are so beyond your age when it comes to conversations. I feel lucky to be your mom and your friend. For now - I hope it will never change. Right now, you tell me everything, and you share your feelings so openly! You are honest to a fault and observant beyond measures. It's incredible how you can pick up on so many details and nuances both visible and/or not. 

I am nervous about school only because of the pandemic. The virus has a new variant that is more dangerous to kids and the mask mandate is only until October 1st as of now. Many people are pushing back for reasons unknown to me. Maddening! I want you to be safe, I NEVER EVER want to see you sick. It hurts my body, heart and mind. 

Anyway, good luck my boy! You got this and you will ace it. Don't forget to have fun and learn something new every day! Remember, you are never too smart and never too old to learn new things. It's the beauty in life!

I love you with all my heart Kicsi Lego!

- Mommy

 

Phrases that made a difference

Meaningful phrases that made a difference: 

1. I am not interested in whether you stood with the great. I am interested in whether you sat with the broken. 

2. Ever since I learned to talk, I was ordered to listen.