Mommy's book list

 My Book list 

These books made a difference at some point in my life. Some touched me, some comforted me, some made me laugh, some made me cry. One way or another they all moved me.

These are books that I encourage you to read at some point, but there will be some I will mark with a * that I am asking you to read (maybe even more than once in different stages of your lives). 

1. Quo Vadis - Henrick Sienkiewicz 
2. In Desert and Wilderness - Henrick Sienkiewicz
3. Bogancs - Fekete Istvan
4. Tuskevar - Fekete Istvan
5. Egri Csillagok - Gardonyi Geza
6. Becoming - Michelle Obama
7. Maybe You Should Talk To Someone - Lori Goettlieb *
8. The Choice - Dr. Edit Eva Eger

What books mean to me

Why I love books? They hold an entire world within them. Each and every one of them takes me elsewhere, or helps me feel grounded. They can reveal a new and fresh perspective, bring up memories, provide clarity or sympathy, take me on an adventure or simply make me feel. Books are magical. Well, good books are at least. 

Noah, and Ollie, - I hope you will love and appreciate books as much as I do. I hope you find their magic and I hope they will give you the same comfort they give me. 

It's okay to like different books. We are all different. Our thoughts, feelings, memories are unique to us and no one else. Be open to suggestions and try out different genre but never be afraid to reach for the one that works for you. 

I have a plan. I am going to start a book list for you guys. Books I read and loved for one way or another. Maybe one day this list will be a good start for you guys. Maybe some you will love, some you will like, some you will appreciate and maybe some just won't make your cut. Nevertheless, these books are pieces that has made a difference in my life. Some I read when I was a child, some as a grown up and some I read more than once. Interestingly, each time it gave me something else. Our world is constantly changing. Our memories can fade and come alive again, they can take on new meaning and therefore books can have a whole new affect on us if we read them in different stages of our lives. Try reading a sad book when you are going through something rough and then try it again when you find yourself in a good state of mind. You will see, it will take on a whole new meaning. 

I will save my book list in a separate document and I will keep adding to it as I read more or think of more. Many of my favorites are in Hungarian - I still hope you guys will learn my language. Best thing to do is read books in the language they were written in. No matter how well it was translated, it is just not the same. 

If you find yourself having a hard time reading a book, remember there are audio books. Those didn't exist when I was growing up but they do now and while I thought I wouldn't appreciate them much (I like imagining voices in my head rather than someone taking over), some of them are quiet good and some of them I actually like more as an audio book - especially the ones that are read by the author. 

I hope my book list will expand by books that you guys will tell me about and I hope we can all share our thoughts about them. 

Love you both to the moon and back. 

Mommy/Anya

Happy Birthday Kicsi Lego

My Dearest Kicsi Lego,

You have turned 5 years old - my goodness, time flies. People tell you this all the time when you become a parent, but nothing seems real until you experience it. I am trying to savor every day, every moment with you but time is going so fast. 

When you were born, we gave you the nickname Kicsi Lego (based on a funny song in Hungary) - ironically, your birthday theme for your 5th birthday was LEGOS. You just LOVE LOVE LOVE LEGOS. You got legos from every single person who gave you something (except maybe a couple of daycare friends). And you wanted to put together all of them on one day:) We still need to work on your patience I think - but I understand you were just so excited. 

Unfortunately the COVID pandemic put a halt to in person birthday parties for a while. This would have been your first party with friends and I felt so bad not being able to do one - and we are not even traveling to Spain as planed. So I organized a drive by birthday for you and my goodness, it was fantastic! About 12 cars came, your friends, Kace, Nolan, Jaxon, Ava, Willa, Jayden, Felix, Natasha, Teni and Jore, Carolyn, etc. We put the pirate ship slide up on our yard near the road where you stood with Olie next to your balloons! Everyone sang, yelled Happy Birthday, honked, and smiled and passed some gifts out their windows. You were adamant that you want to give goodie bags to your friends, so we did that too!

It was so much fun, Ollie wants the same now - I am so glad it turned out like this - your face just lit up - you couldn't believe how many friends came to wish you a Happy Birthday. 

Anyway, you are 5 years old. You are still mama's boy and you love cuddling. You are sensitive and loving (although you are starting to get tougher on Ollie) and you love your family to the moon and back. I love that about you. You have a special talent for building things. You love chess and legos and you are so good at figuring things out (like opening baby gates). You are as observant as you were from the get go and even though you often look like you don't pay attention you actually do. 

Every day I look at you and I think how lucky I am to be your Mommy. You have been through so much with your health but take every step as a trooper. You are a loving brother to Ollie and an amazing friend to me. You LOVE Daddy but often you don't take him seriously. I know he is different explaining things than me, but you know that can often be a good thing. Nevertheless he is your Daddy and he would do anything for you - so you must respect him and listen. He has good ideas and good input - he just has a loud way of expressing it and he has a tendency not to follow through. But I can tell you one thing: He has a hard time committing and following through but once he sets his mind to it, there is no stopping DADDY. So don't think that just because he repeats things a lot or just because he doesn't explain things the way I do, he isn't here for you the same way! He is your biggest fan - so take everything he has to offer - you couldn't wish for a better Daddy:) 

One of my favorite things about you is your love for Ollie. You are getting tougher with him maybe because he is growing and you feel less protective and more competitive with him. But at the end of the day - you adore him and you are there for him and I admire that about you. 

So, Kicsi Lego - I wish you the Happiest of Birthdays and many many many more! I hope I will organize and other drive by for your 50th birthday:) You are my heart from the day you were born. You are in my mind every day every second. Keep being you, keep smiling, keep believing in yourself and just know that Mommy, Daddy and Ollie love you through and through. 

- Mommy

Good Night Ollie - June 2020

Good Night Ollie - June 2020

Dear Ollie,
I’m lying in your bed while you are about to sleep in your crib. You watched a couple of Bogyo and Babóca and then handed over the phone and told me you are ready to go to your crib. We put your little cushy bunny in the little hanging container on your crib and covered him with a little blanket. We put a tiny bear next to him. You turned your projectors on, hugged your Maci, rainbow monkey and puppy and my arm. You told me you love me, and my heart melted. You are 3 years and 4 months old but you still love sleeping in your crib and you still wear a pull up diaper which makes me feel like I still have a baby. I know these are the last moments of your babyhood and it’s so hard to let go. Time is traveling too fast and I’m trying to savor not only the new “firsts” but also the last of each precious stage. The last diaper, the last night in a crib, the last Bogyo es Babóca. I love you my little Ollie. Always and forever. You are a unique little boy. Determined and brave. Loving and charming. You are only 3 but already Street smart. You seem to know what you want and always go for it , never asking for forgiveness. I admire your confidence and instincts - they will take you far. Your big brother takes care of you but deep down I know you take care of him just as much. You guys got an eternal friend in each other. Never forget that. He is your biggest fan. And you are his rock.

Love
Mommy

Ps: I love that you understand so much Hungarian. I hope you will take your determination one day to really learn it.

Should I stay or should I go?

Should I stay or should I go?

How does one decide to stay in a marriage or not? Is doing it for "the kids sake" the right thing to do?
What if I'm unhappy. What if I don't see a way to be happy next to the person I'm with?
I don't believe that it is the other person's responsibility to make us happy. But I do think it's their responsibility to help and support. To allow us to be happy the way we can be happy. To care about our feelings and consider our perspectives. I do think we should feel that we matter in a relationship. or what's the point of being in it?
I do believe that while there is plenty of men and women out there, if we don't feel special in a relationship, it's not worth it. I don't want to feel like I'm A woman in my partner's life. I want to feel that I am THE woman. The special one to them. Not only do I not feel special right now, I feel like no one. Unseen. Unfelt. Misunderstood. Mistreated. Unworthy for love.

Maybe the right question is can I stay? Rather than, 'SHOULD" I stay...
How long can I devote my life to a man who is incapable of seeing me, understanding me. Who doesn't appreciate what I do and who I am. Who doesn't respect me as a wife or as a mother?

I don't know how

I don't know how...

I don't know how to go on. I don't know how to stay, I don't know how to go. I don't know how I feel about you anymore. You are mean. I remember when I met you and I told my friends and family that I think I found the one, and they asked me why, I said because "I know he would never hurt me.

I was wrong. Oh so wrong. You CAN hurt me. So often. Sometimes intentionally, sometimes not.
You have a mean side that is beyond imaginable to others. A side of you that you only save for me.

Today was a very bad day (again). I woke up in so much pain - but instead of lashing out, I told you upfront early morning that I am in a lot of pain, please be understanding. I also told you several days ago that Thursday (today) will be very busy at work - I won't have the flexibility I usually have. I asked that you please respect that and focus on the kids - so I don't have that worry. You said OK.

Yet, i found the kids twice playing alone on the other side of the house than where you were. Once, pushing each other backwards down the rail you built on a concrete patio. Yes, stupid. But is it really? Or just a 3 and 5 year old being a 3 and 5? YOU on the other hand should have been there. But you were on the phone. Why? Because you decided to call Mazda and the landscapers today. We have been talking about it for week and you could have called any afternoon when you were gone and alone, while I got the kids. I even told you to call several times in the evening when I had the kids. But no, you decided today was the best day when i counted on you.

In the morning, you slept in. You usually take on the breakfast shift since I am supposed to run or work. Today I did neither. I dressed and fed the kids, and kept them quiet so you can sleep. And then you couldn't even make sure that I could work. Nor did you tell me that you can't watch them, so that at least I could - for their safety.

And then, you let them within 6 inches from a guy with no gloves, no mask on. A complete stranger, when we have a high risk child with asthma and we are supposed to social distance 6 feet apart!!!!

You get defensive, and once again MEAN, because you feel cornered and accused that you are a bad father. Man up! Try to see my point. I don't care how often you are a good father. Lately you have done stupid shit that endangered them. That makes me feel terrible. Worried, scared, doubtful, and a million other feelings on top of all the uncertainty and pressure we already live in.

Then you apologized when I told you how I feel and came home 3 hours later just to completely disregard me. Yes that is how it felt. To you it didn't. you came home and asked how I was - so you think you did "your best" as you say. But when I responded "I feel like shit" what did you do? What did you change? How did you help? How were you there for me?

You weren't. You didn't try to ease my mind or heart. You didn't try to console me or make me feel better. Stepping in to do some chores (like a super easy dinner) isn't extra. It's what we do every day. It's what should happen way more than it happens (since I cook 99% of the time). Being there, sitting with someone, talk to them, rub their stomach or whatever hurts. Same as you do for your son.

But no. Because I am not your kid. Not anyone it feels like. Just nobody in your eyes. And I just can't do it anymore. 

I miss you

I miss you

I am struggling. I am struggling with our relationship, and my role in it. I wonder how I got here. How we got here? Were there obvious signs ignored? Or just overwhelmed with other priorities at the moment?

I remember the beginning. Vaguely, but I do. It was liberating. Relaxing. Like coming home. I felt on the top of the world. Secure and loved. I felt that I could never be hurt. Not by you at least.

But time has proven otherwise. I got hurt. More than Once. By you.
Is it me? Did I cause it? Did I deserve it? And if so, for how long? How much?
What  should I do? What CAN I do?

We have two beautiful kids. They are simply awesome. But they feel it, and my heart breaks because no matter how hard I try to hide it or spare them from the feeling that we are broken in some ways, I don't seem to get a grip on it. It's too deep. Too frequent. Too painful.

I've tried to talk to you many times. You think it's nagging...bitching...complaining. I've tried to change. I've tried to accept it's life...that there is nothing more to it. I've tried to lower my expectations. I've tried to look at it from different angles, and I tried to react differently.
I tried reacting as much as I tried being proactive. I tried tears, I tried anger, I tried sadness.
I tried distance and I tried closeness. You name it, I tried it all.

Our life isn't easy. It hasn't been since the kids came along. We are in the grind every day, every waking minute. Of course, I feel gratitude for our health and for our kids and for everything we have. But in reality, our life isn't what I pictured, what I hoped for. We work nonstop. We barely have time for our kids, let alone for each other. We never stop. We don't see half of what the other carries on his/her shoulder, and therefore we don't show half the appreciation for each other as we should. Or maybe we are just too tired to show it. I don't know. It's draining. We both give, we both grind, we both go 100 miles/hr - so much so that we don't have the time TO PAUSE and simply, care.

Care for each other. Care for ourselves. Pause, to say THANK YOU. Pause TO LISTEN. Pause to offer sympathy or to offer healthy confrontation. Pause to enjoy life. Our lives. And somehow, our life has become nothing but work - work at work, work at home, work with the kids. Work we get paid for, and work we don't. Household logistics, parenting, caregiving, cleaning, accounting, nursing, organizing, planning, appointments, endless to do lists, shopping, packing, unpacking, yard work, house work, laundry, etc. etc. etc.

Suddenly, I find ourselves not living. We don't give the time of the day to each other. And through all this I "complain". Or so you claim: I complain all the time.
So yes. I complain. I am not going to defend myself or come up with excuses if that is how you see it. But so what if I complain? Never mind, that we both do. Never mind that maybe I have some merit (legit reasons) to the complaints. But most of all, never mind that complaining is STILL BETTER than other options. Complaining means I still care.

There is a huge difference between criticism and complaint.
Criticism carries judgement.
Complaint carries a need. Complaining means one cares. One needs. One asks. Maybe they don't ask or communicate the best way, but nevertheless they do.

I complain about you not listening because I need TO BE HEARD.
I complain that you don't look at me when I speak because I need TO BE SEEN.
I complain that you don't initiate conversations or spending time with me because I need TO MATTER.
I complain that you don't do certain things for me without putting up an argument or without having it to be on your terms, because I need TO FEEL IMPORTANT to you.
I complain that you get defensive because I need TO BE UNDERSTOOD.

There are only 3 words that are more important to me than "I love you". And those are: I UNDERSTAND YOU. That means more than anything to me (to most of us) and that is what made me fall in love with you. For the first time, I felt understood when I met you. It's been a long time, a very long time that I felt that way.

I complain because I don't feel noticed. I don't feel that my thoughts and feelings count for something. I don't feel more important in your world than work or other people on the other end of a text, or call or facebook.
I want to be appreciated and I want my life, which I am SPENDING WITH YOU, to be meaningful.

I don't want to get through life. I don't want to make it through our marriage. I want to live. I want to dive in and experience marriage - even when we fight, knowing that at the end of the day we will land on the same page, even when that means sacrifice or compromise.

The truth is I rather fight than feel nothing. Fights are not the reason for a relationship to die. Unfair fight however is poison. Saying things just to hurt is fatal. It's mean, and "mean" cannot be part of any relationship. Words are powerful. Whether one means them or not...Once they are said, they are also heard. And therefore, they cannot be taken back. They are out there doing what they were meant to do. In this case hurting.