Monday, April 22, 2019

Noah and the numbers

My Dearest Noah,

Your new favorite number is ONE HUNDRED.

You have been going around the house counting everything left and right and then suddenly jumping to ONE HUNDRED, just so you can say it. My absolute favorite thing int he whole world is when you say "Mommy! Guess what? You want to know how many I love you?" and when I say Yes, your answer is "ONE HUNDRED million!".

You are just awesome. I love hearing all the new things you learn, including new words, and phrases you put together and try using it different context. Like the other day I asked you to climb into the car but you had your toys in your hand, and when i got frustrated and said "get in the car already" you said 'I'm not an octopus, I only have two hands" hahahaha Smarty pants:) You are only 3.5! I love you Buddy and I love your stories! You can talk for hours without stopping, weaving stories together in a way that i feel like you could be a flim-maker one day. Never lose this ability and never ever let anyone make you feel that what you have to say isn't important. EVERYTHING you say is precious my son.

- Mommy

Happy Easter

Happy Easter - my favorite holiday/tradition. You guys don't know this yet, but I love this holiday. In my life and mind it has always been filled with happiness. We have a fun tradition (not Easter egg hunt) in Hungary that i hope your Daddy will cherish and teach you one day. So far he hasn't been able to get there, but hopefully soon, because you guys are already old enough to enjoy it and i would love that!

In Hungary, Easter is a 4 day holiday. Everything is closed and no one works Friday through Monday. 4 day holiday at the start of spring. Friday is good Friday so you are not supposed to eat meat. Saturday and Sunday is usually lots of family time and outdoor fun and Monday is "locsolas". This is when based on the old tradition, the boys of the town (or family) wake up early morning, and go to "water" the girls. In small villages this usually means all boys go around the village and knock on each girl's door to do this. In our family, it was just the family. The boy says a short poem comparing the girl to a beautiful flower and asks permission to water the girl ("flower") which can be done by water or cologne on top of the head. IN exchange the girl thanks the boy and gives him a hand painted egg (hard-boiled, don't try this with uncooked egg haha).

I remember my mom always had tulips and other Easter flowers in the house and decorated it.
We eat ham, hard boiled eggs, "kalacs" which is challah bread, tomatoes, peppers on Easter. So yummy!!!

it makes me said that in 9 years Daddy has not been able to follow this tradition, no matter how important it is for me. it makes me mad that he makes me cry and that this time you guys had to see that and asks what's wrong. I keep hoping one year, but this time it really hurt. This morning he tried to make up for it, but he has never really looked into how this is done, so he can't do it or teach you the right way. I hope one year.

Nevertheless he made you guys wake up this morning, give me flowers, and try to water me, but he doesn't understand the meaning of it, so the words aren't right. Still, both of you were soooo cute. My gosh, you guys bring me so much happiness in this world. Thank you.

Love, Mommy

Monday, February 25, 2019

Happy 2nd Birthday Ollie - Boldog Szulinapot!

Dearest Ollie,

You barely turned 2 years-old but you are wise way beyond your age. You have managed to charm your way into every heart you have come across – teachers, school friends, grandparents, neighbors, uncles, and of course Daddy’s, Noah’s and mine.

You are a special little thing, with a huge heart. Your smile and laugh are contagious, your sense humor refreshing, your will power commendable, your voice loud and full of conviction. You already seem to know exactly what you want, and you go for it.

I find it difficult to write these letters as I always think the only time you guys will read it is when I won’t be around anymore. But today I realized that doesn’t have to be the case. You can read it as a teenager, or when you are ready to fly out of our nest, or when you get married or when you have your own little 2 year-old running around – I will be here waiting for your questions, which I am sure you will have.

So as a tired but oh-so happy mom, I am wishing you a very happy birthday my little one. I hope you will always keep smiling and find the humor in the smallest things in life. I hope you will always remember and feel how much we love you and that no matter, what we will always be here for you – to witness your successes, to pick you up after few failures, to listen when you need to talk to someone, to talk when you just want to listen, to hold your hand when you need us to.

I figured I would write a little about you – so you can look back one day and understand who you were at the beginning. Because remember…it all goes back to the beginning.
You love books – you can look at them and read them and talk about them for hours. You like to savor happy moments and linger on things that make you happy. When you open presents, you do it one by one, and you like to play with one before opening another. I love this about you.
You like to copy your big brother – seemingly more out of admiration rather than annoyance. You like to play with him and you seem to enjoy that he looks out for you, even though you tend to be rough on him when you don’t get your way. You are crazy about Daddy, he can do no wrong in your eyes. You love me endlessly, though you like to set the record that sometimes you just want to do whatever you want to do; and you will not have it in any other way. You often charm Daddy into giving in but you get surprised when it doesn’t work on me. Well….at least that’s what you see. Because let me tell you little one, it does. It kills me to say no to you – I just try to tell myself that I know I am doing it to ultimately benefit you.  
You LOVE going outside and play ball or play on the slide. You do NOT like snow. YET. You do not like to be cold. You love brushing your hair and you love brushing your teeth as long as it goes your way. You LOVE pancsi (bathing) and you still take naps (unlike your brother). You LOVE to eat and the only way for you to miss a meal would be if you were sick. You are hard headed but easy going at the same time – much like Daddy. Most of all you love being with all of us at once – and you like to carefully count and announce everyone in attendance at home. Currently your favorite word is: “All done” and “not that one”. For a parent this means increasing push back and more time spent on convincing you of things you actually want but decided to consider in the “not that one” category just to push and test limits.

You love Bogyo es Baboca and PJ Masks, but most of all YOU LOVE DANCING!!!
Your favorite song is hokey pokey by Dave and Ava, We Will Rock You and We Are The Champions by Queen. You also love Imagine Dragons – Naturals, and I’ve got this feeling by Justin Timberlake. You could sing and dance for hours to these songs.

Well, I have to go now, I am writing this at the end of a work day and I have to head home to take you for a flu test (poor bubbin – I hate that test but we have to be safe).

I love you with all my heart,

Monday, September 24, 2018


My Dear Noah,
This entry is less for you and more for my own memory. You are growing so fast and it feels like every day you surprise us with something new (and very cute) and I am afraid i will not remember them all. First of all, I love how you can't pronounce the letter "F" and you say "s" instead. so you say "siresighters" which is just adorable.

You love explaining things over and over. You have so much to say about things and with such conviction. You are animated, you gesture, you make all kinds of face expressions. Don't lose that liveliness and never let anyone make you think that what you have to say isn't worth listening to.

You are also amazingly charming and you know exactly how to steal my heart. You say please and "legyszi" in hungarian and you give me kisses every time you get something you want. I am not going to lie, it sweeps me off my feet every time.

I started to take you to Hungarian school in Lexington. it's just "ovoda" for 3 year olds, so it's mostly singing and reading and playing but I hope it will help you learn some Hungarian, and come to love my country and culture. I know I love it.

You have a hard time accepting when you can't get what you want, but i think i am starting to understand that you just don't like being completely out of control. Nobody does i think. I realized that you are an amazingly mature little boy when it comes to responsibility. What i mean by that is that if you believe in something you do it and you follow through. You are not the kind of person that likes being told what to do, and you challenge it with your entire being. But if I talk to you and reason with you and make you understand why something is good or important, you actually do it and you do it well.

Unfortunately part of parenting means that i can't always reason with you, simply because you are too little to understand, but I hope you can and will always trust me. Sometimes I will have to say no for your own benefit, and sometimes i will have to say no for the greater good - but I promise there is not a single decision I make without love for you.

Anyway, a little more about you. You love dogs, and firefighters, and police. You like playing outside and be daddy's little helper. You love Legos and robots and anything that you can build and you are VERY good at it. You have an ability to see things through way beyond your age.

Interestingly (or maybe not since I've always been the same), you are very competitive. Not really with others but with yourself. You love learning new things and you like challenge but you hate feeling that you don't succeed and you get frustrated instead of giving it another shot. believe me, I say it from experience and from some feeling of regret, just don't give up. Keep trying. You can do anything you set your mind to, I promise you! Some things take practice for everyone. Just trust in your abilities, and keep at it. You will move mountains.

And lastly, you are an extremely caring little boy. I'm yet to see a child in your age that is as caring as you. You are always the first to help someone, the first to say something kind, the first to the rescue. I guess I shouldn't wonder why you like firefighters so much. They are super hero rescuers as well. Just like you. One day I can see you have a profession where you help others. I love that about you.

At night you like going to bed with me and after reading books and talking to each other (which i love by the way), you like going "in the cave" (meaning under the sheets) with your red gummy bear light and you always ask me to give you an "itsy bitsy spider massage" (sasage as you say), which is just me singing the song and walking my fingers on your back or arms or neck (and sometimes your teeth because you like to ask silly things).

Well that's it for today my love.

- Mommy

Look them in the eye - and you will never be alone

My Dearest Noah and Ollie,
Once again it's been too long since I wrote my thoughts on "paper". I think of things to write all the time, and I promise myself i will write them down later, but then life happens. We are so incredibly busy, we never stop. It's hard to explain, but I can tell you that any time I said I was super busy before in my life was nothing comparing what real "busy" means today. Anyway, here I am nevertheless writing to both of you.

I've been thinking what I would like you two to learn in this world, and what I think I can help with.
Some of this might seem trivial or obvious, but I think in today's world and where it is heading , these things are sadly becoming somewhat mythical. I decided to try to focus on one thing in one post to avoid overload.

The importance and art of connecting to others:
There is so many things I could write about here, but I don't want to overwhelm, so i will only talk about the one thing I consider the most important.

Tip - Advice: always look at the person who is talking to you and the person you are talking to.
Look them in the eyes. It's a sign of basic respect, courtesy and openness. Unfortunately, too often people look at their phone or the TV or other electronic gadgets while they talk. Restaurants are now filled with television around us and everyone has their phone on the table. it makes me sad. We are losing connection. I know by the time you two will read this, you probably think you can pay attention even when you multitask; but it's not just about being able to say "aha" or hearing some words that may or may not take priority in your head. It is about CONNECTION. We are losing real connections with other humans and then we wonder why we all feel so alone. if you don't believe me, try it one day. Try to pay attention how it feels when someone really looks at you when you talk. it feels nice to get that attention and interest in what you have to say right? it's the same for others. The basic human needs don't go away just because our world is less and less accommodating to them. So please, learn to look at the person you are talking to and the person that is talking to you and have the same expectation of others: your friends, you colleagues, your spouse, your children. This issue is bigger than us but you can start changing the world for the better by starting with yourselves. And if nothing else, at least you can create YOUR own happier world. Multitasking might be handy or even necessary at times, but it also comes with the risk of not being able to give your 100% attention to anything. We are so used to multitasking that we find it hard to pay attention to one thing only. Don't forget if you don't give 100% attention to someone, you won't receive it either. Not to mention you won't be able to do anything on a high level, because multitasking means dividing not only attention but capacity and ability as well. It's a lose lose situation. Most importantly, I promise you, if you don't learn to connect with others, to really listen to understand, to really make eye contact, you will be lonely. You will be lost. You can be surrounded by hundreds of people that you might even call "friends", you will fee alone; and I promise you, there is nothing worse than being surrounded by others yet feeling alone. So look up. Look up from the TV, from your phones. Look up at others the same way you would like them to look up to you. Look them in the eyes, they tell you more with that than their words. Communication isn't only about words. it's about the non-verbal messages too. The way the eye can speak, a face expression, a gesture, a simple pause. So please boys, make time to connect and look people in their yes when you speak to them. I promise the reward will be priceless.

- Mommy

Tuesday, February 27, 2018

A bit lost and lonely

This is not for you kiddos. This piece is really for me. I find that writing things down and out of my mind helps clarify things. I don't know if that's possible or not, but it's worth a shot. Daddy and I are hitting a rough patch I think. I say "I think" because it so damn hard to admit it. I know that some people say it's normal with two little kids to hit a low point in the marriage, but that's not easy to make peace with. After all, Daddy and I came before you guys even existed. We fell in love and made a commitment, a promise to each other. - That means something. I want you guys to know or learn that commitments matter. They must. even in this disconnected online kind of world, you make a promise/commitment, you keep your word. Be a man, and live up to it. Don't start finding excuses and explanations why you couldn't. We can all come up with an endless list of excuses believe me. That list is always longer than the reasons to hold on, cross our hearts and honor the commitment we made. It's just easier to come up with the "why nots" than the "why yes" list. Don't be like that. Honor your own words and commitments. You owe it to others as much as you owe it to yourself out of respect. If you lose that, you are nothing.

Anyway, we made a commitment, and i WANT TO believe that it means something and that we can both live up to it. Lately, it's been difficult to believe. I've felt like this for a long time now. At least since I was pregnant with Ollie. I feel that I matter less and less to Daddy. he is an amazing father, I couldn't ask for a better one for you guys. But he stopped seeing me. Maybe he stopped loving me, I don't know, I try not to believe that, but it's difficult.

I know we are both tired and stretch ourselves to the limits, but I feel that somehow I'm the last on his list. He rarely if ever looks at me when I talk to him. he says he is listening, but he is multitasking most of time while i try to talk to him. Either watching the TV, or his phone, or fixing something, or checking the mail or trying to pay bills, or whatever. There is always something, and I feel hurt. I think I deserve to be looked when i'm talking. I know it's impossible to do that all the time, it would be unrealistic knowing our busy lives, but sometimes would be nice. He rarely tries to make me smile (I actually can't remember the last time) and he never initiates any affection. No matter how I am aware of our crazy lives and how tired he must be, I can't accept this or justify it. I am living the same life. I am just as tired, just as busy. But I do look at him many times when he talks to me. I do try to be loving and caring and affectionate but when it feels like it's only me initiating for such a long time, it's too many disappointments, so I made myself do less and it just became normal. That's not okay.

We all deserve to be happy. i want nothing more than you guys to be happy and for Daddy to be happy but I would also like to be happy. You guys are my universe, but I miss Daddy. And I don't know what else to do or say to change the place where we are.

I don't know the solution and I don't want to waste time guessing right now (especially because i am at work and I should be working), so i will stop here. I just feel lonely and lost a bit.

Monday, February 5, 2018

Boldog Szulinapot (Happy Birthday) Ollie

Dear Ollie,
I couldn't decide whether to write this in Hungarian or English. I speak to you in Hungarian most of the time, but I am afraid, you may not learn it as well as I would like you to, so just to be safe, I am writing in English. Yesterday was your special day. You turned 1! That's a big deal little one, although every day is a big deal to me ever since you arrived. You are a blessing to all of us, a true gem in this world.

So of course, just as I predicted to started to walk before your birthday. I knew you would. You took a step here and there for the past 2 weeks, but truly you actually walked on January 27th, just as we came home from Noah's first soccer practice on Saturday, and by Sunday, you walked across the room, all by yourself. What an accomplishment. I can honestly say that we did not push you with this, so the credit is all yours! I will try to post a little video of your very first steps, but I will have to do that later from my phone.

You had a cookie monster cake that made you all blue! We had to actually bath you right after, my goodness! You are not a cake person, just like me, but you definitely made an effort to dig in and get it all over the place.

From the moment I saw you and the weekend we spent together in the hospital before going home, I am completely in love with you. You are so much like me, yet your personality reminds me of Daddy, which is probably why we are so good together. You are THE BEST cuddle-bug in the whole wide world. You love snuggling into me when I put you to sleep andin the morning when you wake up. I love how you quietly adore your brother, and let him take the lead, yet, you have your own mind, and don't let anyone push you around. You are so little, with such a big personality already! You love food, which make cooking an absolute delight! You won't understand this for a very long time, maybe never, but the girl you choose to have your own kids with will. Cooking isn't always fun when you have so much other tings to do, and it can be rather frustrating coming up with menus and then cooking them, while always trying to give nutritious food to your family. I never understood why my mom was upset when we didn't want to eat her food. What's the big deal if I didn't feel like it. Now i get it. Moms really cook from the heart. Not just the actual stirring of meals, but from thinking of the what and how, to getting the ingredients, to standing on our foot, instead of sitting down and resting, just so our family can have a home cooked, nutritious meal. it sucks when someone doesn't want to eat it, I'm not going to lie. You are by far the biggest fan of my cooking and I LOVE THAT!

Anyway, I am rambling I know, but one day i think you will appreciate the words I write down here, so you can understand my perspective when you are wondering with your own little ones.

I also have to mention that your hair is spectacular! I know that sound superficial, but i'm sorr,y it's just so soft and lush!

I love that you have the biggest smile when you see Daddy. Yes, Daddy is the fun one! I try to be as well, but I'm not like Daddy. I am just constantly in awe of both of you. I love that you worship the ground Noah walks on, you try to play with him and learn from him, and tease him whenever you get a chance.

I love your big brown eyes that can't hide a thing. I swear i can read your soul when i look into your eyes...

Anyway, Happy birthday little Csili Csalamade. We all love you so very much, you complete our family. Promise me one thing: You will always keep on smiling. Your smile is the best cure for anything!!