Monday, September 24, 2018

Noah

My Dear Noah,
This entry is less for you and more for my own memory. You are growing so fast and it feels like every day you surprise us with something new (and very cute) and I am afraid i will not remember them all. First of all, I love how you can't pronounce the letter "F" and you say "s" instead. so you say "siresighters" which is just adorable.

You love explaining things over and over. You have so much to say about things and with such conviction. You are animated, you gesture, you make all kinds of face expressions. Don't lose that liveliness and never let anyone make you think that what you have to say isn't worth listening to.

You are also amazingly charming and you know exactly how to steal my heart. You say please and "legyszi" in hungarian and you give me kisses every time you get something you want. I am not going to lie, it sweeps me off my feet every time.

I started to take you to Hungarian school in Lexington. it's just "ovoda" for 3 year olds, so it's mostly singing and reading and playing but I hope it will help you learn some Hungarian, and come to love my country and culture. I know I love it.

You have a hard time accepting when you can't get what you want, but i think i am starting to understand that you just don't like being completely out of control. Nobody does i think. I realized that you are an amazingly mature little boy when it comes to responsibility. What i mean by that is that if you believe in something you do it and you follow through. You are not the kind of person that likes being told what to do, and you challenge it with your entire being. But if I talk to you and reason with you and make you understand why something is good or important, you actually do it and you do it well.

Unfortunately part of parenting means that i can't always reason with you, simply because you are too little to understand, but I hope you can and will always trust me. Sometimes I will have to say no for your own benefit, and sometimes i will have to say no for the greater good - but I promise there is not a single decision I make without love for you.

Anyway, a little more about you. You love dogs, and firefighters, and police. You like playing outside and be daddy's little helper. You love Legos and robots and anything that you can build and you are VERY good at it. You have an ability to see things through way beyond your age.

Interestingly (or maybe not since I've always been the same), you are very competitive. Not really with others but with yourself. You love learning new things and you like challenge but you hate feeling that you don't succeed and you get frustrated instead of giving it another shot. believe me, I say it from experience and from some feeling of regret, just don't give up. Keep trying. You can do anything you set your mind to, I promise you! Some things take practice for everyone. Just trust in your abilities, and keep at it. You will move mountains.

And lastly, you are an extremely caring little boy. I'm yet to see a child in your age that is as caring as you. You are always the first to help someone, the first to say something kind, the first to the rescue. I guess I shouldn't wonder why you like firefighters so much. They are super hero rescuers as well. Just like you. One day I can see you have a profession where you help others. I love that about you.

At night you like going to bed with me and after reading books and talking to each other (which i love by the way), you like going "in the cave" (meaning under the sheets) with your red gummy bear light and you always ask me to give you an "itsy bitsy spider massage" (sasage as you say), which is just me singing the song and walking my fingers on your back or arms or neck (and sometimes your teeth because you like to ask silly things).

Well that's it for today my love.

Love,
- Mommy

Look them in the eye - and you will never be alone

My Dearest Noah and Ollie,
Once again it's been too long since I wrote my thoughts on "paper". I think of things to write all the time, and I promise myself i will write them down later, but then life happens. We are so incredibly busy, we never stop. It's hard to explain, but I can tell you that any time I said I was super busy before in my life was nothing comparing what real "busy" means today. Anyway, here I am nevertheless writing to both of you.

I've been thinking what I would like you two to learn in this world, and what I think I can help with.
Some of this might seem trivial or obvious, but I think in today's world and where it is heading , these things are sadly becoming somewhat mythical. I decided to try to focus on one thing in one post to avoid overload.

The importance and art of connecting to others:
There is so many things I could write about here, but I don't want to overwhelm, so i will only talk about the one thing I consider the most important.

Tip - Advice: always look at the person who is talking to you and the person you are talking to.
Look them in the eyes. It's a sign of basic respect, courtesy and openness. Unfortunately, too often people look at their phone or the TV or other electronic gadgets while they talk. Restaurants are now filled with television around us and everyone has their phone on the table. it makes me sad. We are losing connection. I know by the time you two will read this, you probably think you can pay attention even when you multitask; but it's not just about being able to say "aha" or hearing some words that may or may not take priority in your head. It is about CONNECTION. We are losing real connections with other humans and then we wonder why we all feel so alone. if you don't believe me, try it one day. Try to pay attention how it feels when someone really looks at you when you talk. it feels nice to get that attention and interest in what you have to say right? it's the same for others. The basic human needs don't go away just because our world is less and less accommodating to them. So please, learn to look at the person you are talking to and the person that is talking to you and have the same expectation of others: your friends, you colleagues, your spouse, your children. This issue is bigger than us but you can start changing the world for the better by starting with yourselves. And if nothing else, at least you can create YOUR own happier world. Multitasking might be handy or even necessary at times, but it also comes with the risk of not being able to give your 100% attention to anything. We are so used to multitasking that we find it hard to pay attention to one thing only. Don't forget if you don't give 100% attention to someone, you won't receive it either. Not to mention you won't be able to do anything on a high level, because multitasking means dividing not only attention but capacity and ability as well. It's a lose lose situation. Most importantly, I promise you, if you don't learn to connect with others, to really listen to understand, to really make eye contact, you will be lonely. You will be lost. You can be surrounded by hundreds of people that you might even call "friends", you will fee alone; and I promise you, there is nothing worse than being surrounded by others yet feeling alone. So look up. Look up from the TV, from your phones. Look up at others the same way you would like them to look up to you. Look them in the eyes, they tell you more with that than their words. Communication isn't only about words. it's about the non-verbal messages too. The way the eye can speak, a face expression, a gesture, a simple pause. So please boys, make time to connect and look people in their yes when you speak to them. I promise the reward will be priceless.

- Mommy

Tuesday, February 27, 2018

A bit lost and lonely

This is not for you kiddos. This piece is really for me. I find that writing things down and out of my mind helps clarify things. I don't know if that's possible or not, but it's worth a shot. Daddy and I are hitting a rough patch I think. I say "I think" because it so damn hard to admit it. I know that some people say it's normal with two little kids to hit a low point in the marriage, but that's not easy to make peace with. After all, Daddy and I came before you guys even existed. We fell in love and made a commitment, a promise to each other. - That means something. I want you guys to know or learn that commitments matter. They must. even in this disconnected online kind of world, you make a promise/commitment, you keep your word. Be a man, and live up to it. Don't start finding excuses and explanations why you couldn't. We can all come up with an endless list of excuses believe me. That list is always longer than the reasons to hold on, cross our hearts and honor the commitment we made. It's just easier to come up with the "why nots" than the "why yes" list. Don't be like that. Honor your own words and commitments. You owe it to others as much as you owe it to yourself out of respect. If you lose that, you are nothing.

Anyway, we made a commitment, and i WANT TO believe that it means something and that we can both live up to it. Lately, it's been difficult to believe. I've felt like this for a long time now. At least since I was pregnant with Ollie. I feel that I matter less and less to Daddy. he is an amazing father, I couldn't ask for a better one for you guys. But he stopped seeing me. Maybe he stopped loving me, I don't know, I try not to believe that, but it's difficult.

I know we are both tired and stretch ourselves to the limits, but I feel that somehow I'm the last on his list. He rarely if ever looks at me when I talk to him. he says he is listening, but he is multitasking most of time while i try to talk to him. Either watching the TV, or his phone, or fixing something, or checking the mail or trying to pay bills, or whatever. There is always something, and I feel hurt. I think I deserve to be looked when i'm talking. I know it's impossible to do that all the time, it would be unrealistic knowing our busy lives, but sometimes would be nice. He rarely tries to make me smile (I actually can't remember the last time) and he never initiates any affection. No matter how I am aware of our crazy lives and how tired he must be, I can't accept this or justify it. I am living the same life. I am just as tired, just as busy. But I do look at him many times when he talks to me. I do try to be loving and caring and affectionate but when it feels like it's only me initiating for such a long time, it's too many disappointments, so I made myself do less and it just became normal. That's not okay.

We all deserve to be happy. i want nothing more than you guys to be happy and for Daddy to be happy but I would also like to be happy. You guys are my universe, but I miss Daddy. And I don't know what else to do or say to change the place where we are.

I don't know the solution and I don't want to waste time guessing right now (especially because i am at work and I should be working), so i will stop here. I just feel lonely and lost a bit.

Monday, February 5, 2018

Boldog Szulinapot (Happy Birthday) Ollie

Dear Ollie,
I couldn't decide whether to write this in Hungarian or English. I speak to you in Hungarian most of the time, but I am afraid, you may not learn it as well as I would like you to, so just to be safe, I am writing in English. Yesterday was your special day. You turned 1! That's a big deal little one, although every day is a big deal to me ever since you arrived. You are a blessing to all of us, a true gem in this world.

So of course, just as I predicted to started to walk before your birthday. I knew you would. You took a step here and there for the past 2 weeks, but truly you actually walked on January 27th, just as we came home from Noah's first soccer practice on Saturday, and by Sunday, you walked across the room, all by yourself. What an accomplishment. I can honestly say that we did not push you with this, so the credit is all yours! I will try to post a little video of your very first steps, but I will have to do that later from my phone.

You had a cookie monster cake that made you all blue! We had to actually bath you right after, my goodness! You are not a cake person, just like me, but you definitely made an effort to dig in and get it all over the place.

From the moment I saw you and the weekend we spent together in the hospital before going home, I am completely in love with you. You are so much like me, yet your personality reminds me of Daddy, which is probably why we are so good together. You are THE BEST cuddle-bug in the whole wide world. You love snuggling into me when I put you to sleep andin the morning when you wake up. I love how you quietly adore your brother, and let him take the lead, yet, you have your own mind, and don't let anyone push you around. You are so little, with such a big personality already! You love food, which make cooking an absolute delight! You won't understand this for a very long time, maybe never, but the girl you choose to have your own kids with will. Cooking isn't always fun when you have so much other tings to do, and it can be rather frustrating coming up with menus and then cooking them, while always trying to give nutritious food to your family. I never understood why my mom was upset when we didn't want to eat her food. What's the big deal if I didn't feel like it. Now i get it. Moms really cook from the heart. Not just the actual stirring of meals, but from thinking of the what and how, to getting the ingredients, to standing on our foot, instead of sitting down and resting, just so our family can have a home cooked, nutritious meal. it sucks when someone doesn't want to eat it, I'm not going to lie. You are by far the biggest fan of my cooking and I LOVE THAT!

Anyway, I am rambling I know, but one day i think you will appreciate the words I write down here, so you can understand my perspective when you are wondering with your own little ones.

I also have to mention that your hair is spectacular! I know that sound superficial, but i'm sorr,y it's just so soft and lush!

I love that you have the biggest smile when you see Daddy. Yes, Daddy is the fun one! I try to be as well, but I'm not like Daddy. I am just constantly in awe of both of you. I love that you worship the ground Noah walks on, you try to play with him and learn from him, and tease him whenever you get a chance.

I love your big brown eyes that can't hide a thing. I swear i can read your soul when i look into your eyes...

Anyway, Happy birthday little Csili Csalamade. We all love you so very much, you complete our family. Promise me one thing: You will always keep on smiling. Your smile is the best cure for anything!!

Love,

Mommy/Anya

Thursday, December 14, 2017

Unexpected pause

Dear Noah and Ollie,

It's been a while since I wrote to you. Once again, days fly by so fast and I never have time for everything. But today the universe gave me an unexpected pause. My computer crashed at work so I am sitting here unable to do anything productive; hence I decided it's the perfect opportunity to write to you guys. It's December 14th, 2017, almost Christmas. First Christmas with both of you, although technically last year Ollie was already there in my belly. I'm very excited about the holidays this year for many reasons. One, I will have some time with your father alone, to reconnect and have some fun on our own - not that it's not fun with you guys every day, but there are too many days, weeks, months going by without your father and I talking to each other like we used to. Things are too busy and we are both focusing on you two - probably because you guys are just so damn cute. One day you guys will know how life is with your own babies, and you will understand the reason for not writing more often.

Anyway, Noah you are almost 2.5 years old and just sooooo entertaining, it's hard to describe. You are sweet and caring and just adorable. Also incredibly energetic, active and smart as a whip. So many times I know you are playing us to get what you want, but i just can't resist. You are learning to speak so fast, it's hard to keep up. And you do understand a lot of Spanish and some Hungarian (I hope you will understand more of that soon). You love your new school, and your teachers and you already charmed yourself into their hearts. I don't know how you do it, you got that from daddy. You are now potty training and you are doing so well, we are so proud. You still have some ways to go, especially with pooping in the toilet, but you will get there in no time. You are fearless, and stubborn, so once you decide you are ready, there will be no stop.

Ollie, you are just a sweet pea. You love to cuddle (sleep in my big bed) and you follow me everywhere with your eyes, I love that! You are crawling super fast and now stand up more and more with the help of some furniture. You could be walking in no time, although you are so efficient crawling that i wonder if you will just take your time. It's fine by me if you do! No rush. Your brother loves you and you obviously adore him. I can't tell you guys how happy that makes me and Daddy. I can already tell that you guys will be different but inseparable.

No you are a fireball, but with an incredibly deep sense of empathy. You like to misbehave to test boundaries, but when someone seems to get hurt, you are the first one to help. I love that about you. You are only two years old but I already look to you sometimes when i need some uplifting - I don't want that to become a burden though, so I am careful.

Ollie, you are just an abundance of love. You are smart as whip but in a quieter way, which will get you far in this life. You are patient (unless you are hungry) and you adapt very well to any situation. You are willing to back off, but you know what you want, and you go for it. All of these are commendable characteristics and I hope you will hold onto them.

I have to go now to pick you guys up, I can't wait!!! I will write more soon! In the meantime, I am posting a recent picture of you guys - so handsome!!!


Thursday, October 19, 2017

Ollie on the go - chasing Noah

Well, well, well....Ollie is on the go. Crawling like crazy, and following Mommy or mostly Noah everywhere. You started to crawl on October 11th, 2017. Just a week after your 8 months bday. And man, you are enjoying your freedom! As expected, you follow Noah everywhere, and want to play with all of his toys. Not out of rivalry but clearly out of admiration and curiosity. I can see how whatever he does is most interesting to you, as he is more close to your world than anyone else. We love seeing how gentle (mostly) he is with you and how patient. There are moments of jealousy of course, but that's totally normal. He might not always share everything with you, but he loves you with all his heart. He enjoys feeding you and giving you water, and he very often walks by you and gives you a quick kiss or hug out of the blue. He is a terrific kiddo and you are right in his footsteps.
I always knew that you love your big brother, but now that you can go to places by yourself, it is more than obvious. Wherever Noah goes, you go! It's adorable and heartwarming from a Mom's point of you to see how you two love each other.

On the other hand, Noah is obsessed with firetrucks! Or as he would say "PIRE trucks". Everything is a "piretruck" from morning to night. So we got him a firefighter pajama and my goodness, he is adorable! (see pic attached).


I should speak to you guys more in Hungarian. It is important to know your mother's language and it's good to speak more languages in general. Unfortunately I don't do such a good job with it as Daddy, probably because most of my thoughts are in English, so i forget to use Hungarian. I am doing a better job with Ollie, not sure why, but i promise to change this. It would mean the world to me if you guys spoke my language and new about your Hungarian heritage, because it is unique and wonderful. Most people we talk to get more excited about Daddy being from Spain, but believe me, Hungary is a wonderful land with wonderful people.

A little about Mommy and Daddy. This is the :exhausting beyond limits" phase of our lives for sure - and that comes with irritation and frustration, which ultimately leads to us being "not so nice" to each other. I just want to say I am sorry if and when you guys have to witness that. We love each other very much and love you guys beyond limits, and this will never change. We are just tired on a level that we don't always know how to deal with. Exhaustion can bring on a whole new person in us - it's just the way it goes. I am trying my very best to work on this every day. i think your Daddy does too, although i think for him it's harder to step outside of a moment and remind himself of the big picture. But usually he comes around and sees it afterwards, i just wish sometimes he saw it before hurting my feelings. But he is THE BEST Daddy in this world! I can't tell you how many times I just watch him with you guys and see how lucky we all are. he loves you guys with all his heart! He feeds you, changes you, baths you, prepares meals, cleans, and on top of it, he can play with you guys endlessly. I don't even know how he comes up with all his ideas. :0

I am at work now and shouldn't be writing this probably, but I don't have much time otherwise, and I really feel like writing about our days and mostly about and to you guys.

I figured I'd post a little video of your first day of crawling Ollie. 

I love you guys with all my heart and being.
Mommy/Anya

Thursday, August 31, 2017

Kicsi Lego talking up a storm

My dearest Kicsi Lego,
One day to the next you are talking up a storm. In every possible language you have heard, you are connecting the dots and your tongue rolls on speed dial. It's amazing. You are now saying phrases and simple sentences that make sense to us. I say it this way because I'm convinced you have been babbling things that made complete sense to you, just not to us. Until now!

Needless to say my all time favorite is the way you finally say "I love you"! You say: "I youuu" and if I say I love you too, you say "I youuuu toooo". Adorable!! My heart melts into a mush every time I hear you say it.
I also LOVE the way you say Mama. Although you are an all star daddy's boy (that is still a bittersweet trigger point for me), the way you say mama is the BEST in the world. First of all, you say it nonstop!!! All day long! I swear sometimes hundreds of times a day. And yet I can never get tired of it. You say it with such conviction, such emphasis, like you can see into my soul and know how quickly you can turn my entire being focused only on you every time you say "mama" "maMA" "maMMAA!" Lol

You still adore Ollie! Why am I not surprised. You might be a daddy's boy, a tough little cookie but you are sensitive. You have the biggest heart in this world. I hope and pray that you won't be afraid to show it.

I'm very tired and we have a long day ahead of us tomorrow! But I'll keep writing. Always...your maMA :) I you too!