Unexpected pause

Dear Noah and Ollie,

It's been a while since I wrote to you. Once again, days fly by so fast and I never have time for everything. But today the universe gave me an unexpected pause. My computer crashed at work so I am sitting here unable to do anything productive; hence I decided it's the perfect opportunity to write to you guys. It's December 14th, 2017, almost Christmas. First Christmas with both of you, although technically last year Ollie was already there in my belly. I'm very excited about the holidays this year for many reasons. One, I will have some time with your father alone, to reconnect and have some fun on our own - not that it's not fun with you guys every day, but there are too many days, weeks, months going by without your father and I talking to each other like we used to. Things are too busy and we are both focusing on you two - probably because you guys are just so damn cute. One day you guys will know how life is with your own babies, and you will understand the reason for not writing more often.

Anyway, Noah you are almost 2.5 years old and just sooooo entertaining, it's hard to describe. You are sweet and caring and just adorable. Also incredibly energetic, active and smart as a whip. So many times I know you are playing us to get what you want, but i just can't resist. You are learning to speak so fast, it's hard to keep up. And you do understand a lot of Spanish and some Hungarian (I hope you will understand more of that soon). You love your new school, and your teachers and you already charmed yourself into their hearts. I don't know how you do it, you got that from daddy. You are now potty training and you are doing so well, we are so proud. You still have some ways to go, especially with pooping in the toilet, but you will get there in no time. You are fearless, and stubborn, so once you decide you are ready, there will be no stop.

Ollie, you are just a sweet pea. You love to cuddle (sleep in my big bed) and you follow me everywhere with your eyes, I love that! You are crawling super fast and now stand up more and more with the help of some furniture. You could be walking in no time, although you are so efficient crawling that i wonder if you will just take your time. It's fine by me if you do! No rush. Your brother loves you and you obviously adore him. I can't tell you guys how happy that makes me and Daddy. I can already tell that you guys will be different but inseparable.

No you are a fireball, but with an incredibly deep sense of empathy. You like to misbehave to test boundaries, but when someone seems to get hurt, you are the first one to help. I love that about you. You are only two years old but I already look to you sometimes when i need some uplifting - I don't want that to become a burden though, so I am careful.

Ollie, you are just an abundance of love. You are smart as whip but in a quieter way, which will get you far in this life. You are patient (unless you are hungry) and you adapt very well to any situation. You are willing to back off, but you know what you want, and you go for it. All of these are commendable characteristics and I hope you will hold onto them.

I have to go now to pick you guys up, I can't wait!!! I will write more soon! In the meantime, I am posting a recent picture of you guys - so handsome!!!

Ollie on the go - chasing Noah

Ollie on the go - chasing Noah

Well, well, well....Ollie is on the go. Crawling like crazy, and following Mommy or mostly Noah everywhere. You started to crawl on October 11th, 2017. Just a week after your 8 months bday. And man, you are enjoying your freedom! As expected, you follow Noah everywhere, and want to play with all of his toys. Not out of rivalry but clearly out of admiration and curiosity. I can see how whatever he does is most interesting to you, as he is more close to your world than anyone else. We love seeing how gentle (mostly) he is with you and how patient. There are moments of jealousy of course, but that's totally normal. He might not always share everything with you, but he loves you with all his heart. He enjoys feeding you and giving you water, and he very often walks by you and gives you a quick kiss or hug out of the blue. He is a terrific kiddo and you are right in his footsteps.
I always knew that you love your big brother, but now that you can go to places by yourself, it is more than obvious. Wherever Noah goes, you go! It's adorable and heartwarming from a Mom's point of you to see how you two love each other.

On the other hand, Noah is obsessed with firetrucks! Or as he would say "PIRE trucks". Everything is a "piretruck" from morning to night. So we got him a firefighter pajama and my goodness, he is adorable! (see pic attached).

I should speak to you guys more in Hungarian. It is important to know your mother's language and it's good to speak more languages in general. Unfortunately I don't do such a good job with it as Daddy, probably because most of my thoughts are in English, so i forget to use Hungarian. I am doing a better job with Ollie, not sure why, but i promise to change this. It would mean the world to me if you guys spoke my language and new about your Hungarian heritage, because it is unique and wonderful. Most people we talk to get more excited about Daddy being from Spain, but believe me, Hungary is a wonderful land with wonderful people.

A little about Mommy and Daddy. This is the :exhausting beyond limits" phase of our lives for sure - and that comes with irritation and frustration, which ultimately leads to us being "not so nice" to each other. I just want to say I am sorry if and when you guys have to witness that. We love each other very much and love you guys beyond limits, and this will never change. We are just tired on a level that we don't always know how to deal with. Exhaustion can bring on a whole new person in us - it's just the way it goes. I am trying my very best to work on this every day. i think your Daddy does too, although i think for him it's harder to step outside of a moment and remind himself of the big picture. But usually he comes around and sees it afterwards, i just wish sometimes he saw it before hurting my feelings. But he is THE BEST Daddy in this world! I can't tell you how many times I just watch him with you guys and see how lucky we all are. he loves you guys with all his heart! He feeds you, changes you, baths you, prepares meals, cleans, and on top of it, he can play with you guys endlessly. I don't even know how he comes up with all his ideas. :0

I am at work now and shouldn't be writing this probably, but I don't have much time otherwise, and I really feel like writing about our days and mostly about and to you guys.

I figured I'd post a little video of your first day of crawling Ollie. 

I love you guys with all my heart and being.
Mommy/Anya

Kicsi Lego talking up a storm

My dearest Kicsi Lego,
One day to the next you are talking up a storm. In every possible language you have heard, you are connecting the dots and your tongue rolls on speed dial. It's amazing. You are now saying phrases and simple sentences that make sense to us. I say it this way because I'm convinced you have been babbling things that made complete sense to you, just not to us. Until now!

Needless to say my all time favorite is the way you finally say "I love you"! You say: "I youuu" and if I say I love you too, you say "I youuuu toooo". Adorable!! My heart melts into a mush every time I hear you say it.
I also LOVE the way you say Mama. Although you are an all star daddy's boy (that is still a bittersweet trigger point for me), the way you say mama is the BEST in the world. First of all, you say it nonstop!!! All day long! I swear sometimes hundreds of times a day. And yet I can never get tired of it. You say it with such conviction, such emphasis, like you can see into my soul and know how quickly you can turn my entire being focused only on you every time you say "mama" "maMA" "maMMAA!" Lol

You still adore Ollie! Why am I not surprised. You might be a daddy's boy, a tough little cookie but you are sensitive. You have the biggest heart in this world. I hope and pray that you won't be afraid to show it.

I'm very tired and we have a long day ahead of us tomorrow! But I'll keep writing. Always...your maMA :) I you too!

A little turn of events for Noah - we are eating again!

My dearest Noah,

Wonderful day today! You were super cute all day, and finally after weeks of struggling, you are so well! You ate your entire plate at dinner and even asked more. It made us so happy. You have been very picky and there has been days at a time when I could have counted on one finger what you ate. It made me very sad and worries and most of all, helpless. But today changed. And even more, you brushed yourself with no fuzz. Now that is huge!! Until now you cried bloody myrder every time even though you and I both know that it doesn't hurt one bit. And when I thought things could not get better, you asked me Togo toned with you and you actually cuddled. You still wanted daddy at the end but that's okay. I feel like you showered me with love today. So...thank you. I love you so very much., it's hard to put it in words.

Olor, you are growing too rapidly. I'm. It ready to be done with the baby age...
And every day you are more and more handsome and cute. You are also super curious. Especially about everything your brother does. You follow him with your eyes everywhere and every time he goes towards you, you give him the biggest smiles. You are also very attached to me, which I love I can't lie. You are adorable!!!! Love you thru and thru!

So Kicsi Lego and Csili csalamade, you make my day everyday.

Daddy has been awesome lately too. We are so so tired (one day you guys will know when you have your own kids) that sometime later we are even too tired to want what we want. I know this makes no sense but you will know what I'm talking about one day:) being a mom is the hardest thing I've ever had to do but I'd never change any of it. Okay maybe one thing. I wish it didn't come with so much worry all the time. I think that part is the most exhausting. I can never tune out and get true mindless rest, because no matter what I worry about you guys all the time. Do you eat enough, do you eat healthy enough, do you sleep enough, do you sleep too much, do you like daycare, do you earn enough, will you get into good schools, and will you resist bad peer pressure , will we be able to give you everything you need, will you be happy, safe and healthy. And on it goes, it never ends. Most days these things are trivial or at least manageable but some days the worries can over take my mind and I just want to cry for relief. You guys (and daddy of course) are everything to me!

Mommy/Anya

One week of hell

One week of hell

Well...it all started 9 days ago. It's Wednesday, may 17, 2017 today. Last Sunday night, my baby Noah got the groups really bad. You had trouble breathing, so we gave the emergency steroid, put you in a steamy bathroom, then cold air to help. It was scary. On Monday I stayed home with you to make sure you are okay and promised work that I'll be in Wednesday or Friday to make up for it (I work from home on those days). Tuesday we all went to work and daycare but in the afternoon they called us to say you can open your right eye and it might be pink eye, which means no daycare for at least 24 hours. So we took you back to the doctor, where the confirmed its pink eye and you got an antibiotic ointment. My poor thing, how on earth you got pink eye on top of croup?:( I stayed home with you on Wednesday again. This was unbearable I'm not going to lie to you. We scheduled the siding people at our house for last week, thinking we won't be home much anyway - it's a lot of banging all day long 7am-7pm. But this was the third day home, and of course since daddy was outside, you wanted nothing to do with me. Just daddy daddy daddy. Eventually I took you out but then daddy said it's not a good idea because of all the nails...so what was I supposed to do. And in he meantime I was supposed to work. Anyway, i gave up by noon and decided to just play with Gu:) we had fun but I could tell something was not right with you. Sure enough by the evening you had high fever. We called the doctor and they said it probably just the croup and pink eye virus running their course, so we can just give Tylenol. By the morning your fever was 102 so we called the doctor again. I took you in but they didn't say anything wrong, so we were sent home thinking it's just a nasty virus and we need to alternate Tylenol and Motrin every 2-3 hours to keep the fever down. But it kept rising and by Friday night you were delirious from the fever. We took you to the doctor again and asked them to run every possible test. I said I don't care what they think if it, I want you to get tested. Thank god i was adement. As unlikely as it is under age 2, you got strep!!! My goodness. Strep is brutal even for an adult let alone Gu my sweet baby. It was unbearable to watch you in that much pain and fever and not know why or how we can help more. You didn't eat for three days, and mostly you just slept or tried to drink water or was loaded with meds. I hated it. I love you so much, like you are a part of me that when you hurt I hurt. I know you are daddy's boy and you only want him, but just know (one day you will with your own child) that doesn't make my love any less for you. The worry for your child is truly excruciating. 

Needless to say I didn't go to work all week. I felt horrible about as I just got back after three months of maternity leave. But there was no way I'm leaving you Nehemiah you are that sick. You might want to be with daddy only but mommy is mommy and I swear no one knows you as much as I do. That is why I knew to ask for tests. I knew it's not a virus. I just knew.

Of course Mother's Day weekend was still filled with the illness. By Saturday night Ollie developed a bad cough so we had to take him too. He has no fever so not much they can do. Monday you both went to school but we got the inevitable call in the pm that Ollie has the pink eye. So there I was rushing out of work, telling my boss I can't go in next day either. So I spent yesterday with Ollie at home. Thank goodness that you Noah feeling better although strangely you are still not yourself. You wake in the middle of the night screaming bloody murder and you have a very bad, unusually bad temper. I don't know how to jelly up. I want to but I'm lost.

Some say it's because of the week long fever and pain and illness. Some says it's because you realized Ollie is here to stay. Some say it's just the age. I don't know. I want to be there for you and help you but you do t really let me and it breaks my heart. Naturally as a mom, your mom, I am not giving up. I'll never give up. I'll always be there for you.

So here we are on day 10 of this crazy rollercoaster ride and I'm hoping we are out of the worst of it. 

First days back at work after Ollie

First days back at work after Ollie

I'm trying to write to you guys more on the computer or on my phone. I've been writing by hand in journals but for some strange reason I find it harder. I keep thinking what would be the best platform to write, but as I keep thinking about it, time goes by and nothing gets written. So I figured I just start writing here NOW.

I went back to work yesterday. I thought it might be easier to leave my babies behind the second time, but it's not. It's excruciating. Like someone cut my arms off. I know it will be okay, and I know you guys are okay but still. I think you Noah are used to it and even though you cry a bit when we drop you off, I think you actually like being with other kids. You Oliver are so little still. It breaks my heart separating from you, as you seem so fragile. You have been spending 24/7 with me since birth so it's been very difficult to part. I count the minutes till I can pick you up and hold you.

Tomorrow you will be 3 months old:) and you are cuter than ever. You are always smiling...and smiling in a way that lights up an entire room. I hope you never lose this contagious smile.

I just need to say how much I love both of you! Sometimes it's so much love I side, that it's hard to even breathe. I just want to scream to the entire world how much I love you guys.

Noah you had a rough half an hour before going to bed. You had fun bathing but you hate brushing your teeth. I'm sorry you don't like it or if it's uncomfortable buddy, but we do it so you don't have any problems with your teeth later. Trust me it's worth to deal with problems later than simply brushing your teeth now. And it doesn't hurt. We could actually have fun with it. I hope you realize that soon. You started to cry because I didn't let you play with medication and Daddy's phone and when you get into these anxiety cries, you have a hard time stopping. I know how you just feel because I've always been the same. As I get older I learn more and more how to manage and control my overwhelming emotions but you are too little for that and you can't speak much yet so I'm sure it's super frustrating. But listen, you need to take deep breaths when this happens. Try to snuggle with something and breathe slowly and deeply. Look at mommy or daddy and I promise the wave will pass. You are an amazing little boy and I know you can do this. And never forget that no matter what happens, no matter what life brings, we are always here for you. Right now daddy means the world to you but I'm here. I always have been and I always will be no matter what.

I have to try to sleep now, I have to get up at 5 to get ready for work and feed and dress Ollie.
I love you guys.

- Mommy/Anya