Thank you 2020

Thank you 2020

And here we are...everyone salutes to 2021, welcoming the new year, and waving bye to the “sucky” year behind us as they say. 

But truth to be told, I said 2020 will be a good year when we started and now on the last day, hours before we enter 2021, I must say it was indeed a good year. 

Yes, there was fear and distance and lots of worry and anxiety. But there was also so much time as a family, so many precious moments with the boys, no wasted hours with commute, working in the comfort of our home, mornings together every day, the smiles, the laughter, the cuddles, the kisses, the hugs. So much was so good that I’m afraid to say good bye to it. So here is to a fantastic 2021, one that takes all the good from 2020 but takes away the fear of losing loved ones and the anxiety with our health. Here is to remaining strong to maintain what we gained this year, rather than trying to move on and forget. Here is to learn, recognize and savor all the good that 2020 brought us. Yes, the lesson was hard, but it had to be. We were all so caught up in the culture of “more is better” that we couldn’t even see what we have, let alone appreciate it. So here is to take what we got, recognize the blessings and holding onto them, and of course here is to finding a new way to a healthy happy life together, with love and care for ourselves and each other. Here is to people, rather than things; here is to slowing down rather than speeding up; here is to appreciating “what is” rather than “what isn’t”. So thank you 2020, welcome 2021! 

To Our 10 Year Anniversary

To Our 10 Year Anniversary

Wishing that that next ten days, ten months, ten years will bring happiness to both of us.

May our energy shift into joy
May we find the good in each other
May we appreciate “what is” instead of craving/missing “what is not”
May we smile again
May we see and assume the best in each other and in ourselves

May we ease the worst
May we shift our attention to each other
May we we both feel understood

May we find time look at each other
May our hearts find love
May we practice kindness every day - especially towards each other
May we find joy in giving rather than taking and 

May we appreciate what we each bring to our family
May we find a way to not let go

May we find the way back to each other
I miss us.

May this be a milestone for a new start rather than a celebration of what’s in the past.
A new opportunity to show the good so we can let go of the bad (both within ourselves and in each other).

Lets say "hello" to TODAY and NOW.
Lets try to live in the moment and make each day count
Let’s be there for each other EVERY day
Let’s make time and space for US and build everything around it
Let's not dwell on the past or long for the future - just be - here and now.

It’s ain’t over till it's over! Cheers to 10!

Mommy's book list

 My Book list 

These books made a difference at some point in my life. Some touched me, some comforted me, some made me laugh, some made me cry. One way or another they all moved me.

These are books that I encourage you to read at some point, but there will be some I will mark with a * that I am asking you to read (maybe even more than once in different stages of your lives). 

1. Quo Vadis - Henrick Sienkiewicz 
2. In Desert and Wilderness - Henrick Sienkiewicz
3. Bogancs - Fekete Istvan
4. Tuskevar - Fekete Istvan
5. Egri Csillagok - Gardonyi Geza
6. Becoming - Michelle Obama
7. Maybe You Should Talk To Someone - Lori Goettlieb *
8. The Choice - Dr. Edit Eva Eger

What books mean to me

Why I love books? They hold an entire world within them. Each and every one of them takes me elsewhere, or helps me feel grounded. They can reveal a new and fresh perspective, bring up memories, provide clarity or sympathy, take me on an adventure or simply make me feel. Books are magical. Well, good books are at least. 

Noah, and Ollie, - I hope you will love and appreciate books as much as I do. I hope you find their magic and I hope they will give you the same comfort they give me. 

It's okay to like different books. We are all different. Our thoughts, feelings, memories are unique to us and no one else. Be open to suggestions and try out different genre but never be afraid to reach for the one that works for you. 

I have a plan. I am going to start a book list for you guys. Books I read and loved for one way or another. Maybe one day this list will be a good start for you guys. Maybe some you will love, some you will like, some you will appreciate and maybe some just won't make your cut. Nevertheless, these books are pieces that has made a difference in my life. Some I read when I was a child, some as a grown up and some I read more than once. Interestingly, each time it gave me something else. Our world is constantly changing. Our memories can fade and come alive again, they can take on new meaning and therefore books can have a whole new affect on us if we read them in different stages of our lives. Try reading a sad book when you are going through something rough and then try it again when you find yourself in a good state of mind. You will see, it will take on a whole new meaning. 

I will save my book list in a separate document and I will keep adding to it as I read more or think of more. Many of my favorites are in Hungarian - I still hope you guys will learn my language. Best thing to do is read books in the language they were written in. No matter how well it was translated, it is just not the same. 

If you find yourself having a hard time reading a book, remember there are audio books. Those didn't exist when I was growing up but they do now and while I thought I wouldn't appreciate them much (I like imagining voices in my head rather than someone taking over), some of them are quiet good and some of them I actually like more as an audio book - especially the ones that are read by the author. 

I hope my book list will expand by books that you guys will tell me about and I hope we can all share our thoughts about them. 

Love you both to the moon and back. 

Mommy/Anya

Happy Birthday Kicsi Lego

My Dearest Kicsi Lego,

You have turned 5 years old - my goodness, time flies. People tell you this all the time when you become a parent, but nothing seems real until you experience it. I am trying to savor every day, every moment with you but time is going so fast. 

When you were born, we gave you the nickname Kicsi Lego (based on a funny song in Hungary) - ironically, your birthday theme for your 5th birthday was LEGOS. You just LOVE LOVE LOVE LEGOS. You got legos from every single person who gave you something (except maybe a couple of daycare friends). And you wanted to put together all of them on one day:) We still need to work on your patience I think - but I understand you were just so excited. 

Unfortunately the COVID pandemic put a halt to in person birthday parties for a while. This would have been your first party with friends and I felt so bad not being able to do one - and we are not even traveling to Spain as planed. So I organized a drive by birthday for you and my goodness, it was fantastic! About 12 cars came, your friends, Kace, Nolan, Jaxon, Ava, Willa, Jayden, Felix, Natasha, Teni and Jore, Carolyn, etc. We put the pirate ship slide up on our yard near the road where you stood with Olie next to your balloons! Everyone sang, yelled Happy Birthday, honked, and smiled and passed some gifts out their windows. You were adamant that you want to give goodie bags to your friends, so we did that too!

It was so much fun, Ollie wants the same now - I am so glad it turned out like this - your face just lit up - you couldn't believe how many friends came to wish you a Happy Birthday. 

Anyway, you are 5 years old. You are still mama's boy and you love cuddling. You are sensitive and loving (although you are starting to get tougher on Ollie) and you love your family to the moon and back. I love that about you. You have a special talent for building things. You love chess and legos and you are so good at figuring things out (like opening baby gates). You are as observant as you were from the get go and even though you often look like you don't pay attention you actually do. 

Every day I look at you and I think how lucky I am to be your Mommy. You have been through so much with your health but take every step as a trooper. You are a loving brother to Ollie and an amazing friend to me. You LOVE Daddy but often you don't take him seriously. I know he is different explaining things than me, but you know that can often be a good thing. Nevertheless he is your Daddy and he would do anything for you - so you must respect him and listen. He has good ideas and good input - he just has a loud way of expressing it and he has a tendency not to follow through. But I can tell you one thing: He has a hard time committing and following through but once he sets his mind to it, there is no stopping DADDY. So don't think that just because he repeats things a lot or just because he doesn't explain things the way I do, he isn't here for you the same way! He is your biggest fan - so take everything he has to offer - you couldn't wish for a better Daddy:) 

One of my favorite things about you is your love for Ollie. You are getting tougher with him maybe because he is growing and you feel less protective and more competitive with him. But at the end of the day - you adore him and you are there for him and I admire that about you. 

So, Kicsi Lego - I wish you the Happiest of Birthdays and many many many more! I hope I will organize and other drive by for your 50th birthday:) You are my heart from the day you were born. You are in my mind every day every second. Keep being you, keep smiling, keep believing in yourself and just know that Mommy, Daddy and Ollie love you through and through. 

- Mommy

Good Night Ollie - June 2020

Good Night Ollie - June 2020

Dear Ollie,
I’m lying in your bed while you are about to sleep in your crib. You watched a couple of Bogyo and Babóca and then handed over the phone and told me you are ready to go to your crib. We put your little cushy bunny in the little hanging container on your crib and covered him with a little blanket. We put a tiny bear next to him. You turned your projectors on, hugged your Maci, rainbow monkey and puppy and my arm. You told me you love me, and my heart melted. You are 3 years and 4 months old but you still love sleeping in your crib and you still wear a pull up diaper which makes me feel like I still have a baby. I know these are the last moments of your babyhood and it’s so hard to let go. Time is traveling too fast and I’m trying to savor not only the new “firsts” but also the last of each precious stage. The last diaper, the last night in a crib, the last Bogyo es Babóca. I love you my little Ollie. Always and forever. You are a unique little boy. Determined and brave. Loving and charming. You are only 3 but already Street smart. You seem to know what you want and always go for it , never asking for forgiveness. I admire your confidence and instincts - they will take you far. Your big brother takes care of you but deep down I know you take care of him just as much. You guys got an eternal friend in each other. Never forget that. He is your biggest fan. And you are his rock.

Love
Mommy

Ps: I love that you understand so much Hungarian. I hope you will take your determination one day to really learn it.

Should I stay or should I go?

Should I stay or should I go?

How does one decide to stay in a marriage or not? Is doing it for "the kids sake" the right thing to do?
What if I'm unhappy. What if I don't see a way to be happy next to the person I'm with?
I don't believe that it is the other person's responsibility to make us happy. But I do think it's their responsibility to help and support. To allow us to be happy the way we can be happy. To care about our feelings and consider our perspectives. I do think we should feel that we matter in a relationship. or what's the point of being in it?
I do believe that while there is plenty of men and women out there, if we don't feel special in a relationship, it's not worth it. I don't want to feel like I'm A woman in my partner's life. I want to feel that I am THE woman. The special one to them. Not only do I not feel special right now, I feel like no one. Unseen. Unfelt. Misunderstood. Mistreated. Unworthy for love.

Maybe the right question is can I stay? Rather than, 'SHOULD" I stay...
How long can I devote my life to a man who is incapable of seeing me, understanding me. Who doesn't appreciate what I do and who I am. Who doesn't respect me as a wife or as a mother?

I don't know how

I don't know how...

I don't know how to go on. I don't know how to stay, I don't know how to go. I don't know how I feel about you anymore. You are mean. I remember when I met you and I told my friends and family that I think I found the one, and they asked me why, I said because "I know he would never hurt me.

I was wrong. Oh so wrong. You CAN hurt me. So often. Sometimes intentionally, sometimes not.
You have a mean side that is beyond imaginable to others. A side of you that you only save for me.

Today was a very bad day (again). I woke up in so much pain - but instead of lashing out, I told you upfront early morning that I am in a lot of pain, please be understanding. I also told you several days ago that Thursday (today) will be very busy at work - I won't have the flexibility I usually have. I asked that you please respect that and focus on the kids - so I don't have that worry. You said OK.

Yet, i found the kids twice playing alone on the other side of the house than where you were. Once, pushing each other backwards down the rail you built on a concrete patio. Yes, stupid. But is it really? Or just a 3 and 5 year old being a 3 and 5? YOU on the other hand should have been there. But you were on the phone. Why? Because you decided to call Mazda and the landscapers today. We have been talking about it for week and you could have called any afternoon when you were gone and alone, while I got the kids. I even told you to call several times in the evening when I had the kids. But no, you decided today was the best day when i counted on you.

In the morning, you slept in. You usually take on the breakfast shift since I am supposed to run or work. Today I did neither. I dressed and fed the kids, and kept them quiet so you can sleep. And then you couldn't even make sure that I could work. Nor did you tell me that you can't watch them, so that at least I could - for their safety.

And then, you let them within 6 inches from a guy with no gloves, no mask on. A complete stranger, when we have a high risk child with asthma and we are supposed to social distance 6 feet apart!!!!

You get defensive, and once again MEAN, because you feel cornered and accused that you are a bad father. Man up! Try to see my point. I don't care how often you are a good father. Lately you have done stupid shit that endangered them. That makes me feel terrible. Worried, scared, doubtful, and a million other feelings on top of all the uncertainty and pressure we already live in.

Then you apologized when I told you how I feel and came home 3 hours later just to completely disregard me. Yes that is how it felt. To you it didn't. you came home and asked how I was - so you think you did "your best" as you say. But when I responded "I feel like shit" what did you do? What did you change? How did you help? How were you there for me?

You weren't. You didn't try to ease my mind or heart. You didn't try to console me or make me feel better. Stepping in to do some chores (like a super easy dinner) isn't extra. It's what we do every day. It's what should happen way more than it happens (since I cook 99% of the time). Being there, sitting with someone, talk to them, rub their stomach or whatever hurts. Same as you do for your son.

But no. Because I am not your kid. Not anyone it feels like. Just nobody in your eyes. And I just can't do it anymore. 

I miss you

I miss you

I am struggling. I am struggling with our relationship, and my role in it. I wonder how I got here. How we got here? Were there obvious signs ignored? Or just overwhelmed with other priorities at the moment?

I remember the beginning. Vaguely, but I do. It was liberating. Relaxing. Like coming home. I felt on the top of the world. Secure and loved. I felt that I could never be hurt. Not by you at least.

But time has proven otherwise. I got hurt. More than Once. By you.
Is it me? Did I cause it? Did I deserve it? And if so, for how long? How much?
What  should I do? What CAN I do?

We have two beautiful kids. They are simply awesome. But they feel it, and my heart breaks because no matter how hard I try to hide it or spare them from the feeling that we are broken in some ways, I don't seem to get a grip on it. It's too deep. Too frequent. Too painful.

I've tried to talk to you many times. You think it's nagging...bitching...complaining. I've tried to change. I've tried to accept it's life...that there is nothing more to it. I've tried to lower my expectations. I've tried to look at it from different angles, and I tried to react differently.
I tried reacting as much as I tried being proactive. I tried tears, I tried anger, I tried sadness.
I tried distance and I tried closeness. You name it, I tried it all.

Our life isn't easy. It hasn't been since the kids came along. We are in the grind every day, every waking minute. Of course, I feel gratitude for our health and for our kids and for everything we have. But in reality, our life isn't what I pictured, what I hoped for. We work nonstop. We barely have time for our kids, let alone for each other. We never stop. We don't see half of what the other carries on his/her shoulder, and therefore we don't show half the appreciation for each other as we should. Or maybe we are just too tired to show it. I don't know. It's draining. We both give, we both grind, we both go 100 miles/hr - so much so that we don't have the time TO PAUSE and simply, care.

Care for each other. Care for ourselves. Pause, to say THANK YOU. Pause TO LISTEN. Pause to offer sympathy or to offer healthy confrontation. Pause to enjoy life. Our lives. And somehow, our life has become nothing but work - work at work, work at home, work with the kids. Work we get paid for, and work we don't. Household logistics, parenting, caregiving, cleaning, accounting, nursing, organizing, planning, appointments, endless to do lists, shopping, packing, unpacking, yard work, house work, laundry, etc. etc. etc.

Suddenly, I find ourselves not living. We don't give the time of the day to each other. And through all this I "complain". Or so you claim: I complain all the time.
So yes. I complain. I am not going to defend myself or come up with excuses if that is how you see it. But so what if I complain? Never mind, that we both do. Never mind that maybe I have some merit (legit reasons) to the complaints. But most of all, never mind that complaining is STILL BETTER than other options. Complaining means I still care.

There is a huge difference between criticism and complaint.
Criticism carries judgement.
Complaint carries a need. Complaining means one cares. One needs. One asks. Maybe they don't ask or communicate the best way, but nevertheless they do.

I complain about you not listening because I need TO BE HEARD.
I complain that you don't look at me when I speak because I need TO BE SEEN.
I complain that you don't initiate conversations or spending time with me because I need TO MATTER.
I complain that you don't do certain things for me without putting up an argument or without having it to be on your terms, because I need TO FEEL IMPORTANT to you.
I complain that you get defensive because I need TO BE UNDERSTOOD.

There are only 3 words that are more important to me than "I love you". And those are: I UNDERSTAND YOU. That means more than anything to me (to most of us) and that is what made me fall in love with you. For the first time, I felt understood when I met you. It's been a long time, a very long time that I felt that way.

I complain because I don't feel noticed. I don't feel that my thoughts and feelings count for something. I don't feel more important in your world than work or other people on the other end of a text, or call or facebook.
I want to be appreciated and I want my life, which I am SPENDING WITH YOU, to be meaningful.

I don't want to get through life. I don't want to make it through our marriage. I want to live. I want to dive in and experience marriage - even when we fight, knowing that at the end of the day we will land on the same page, even when that means sacrifice or compromise.

The truth is I rather fight than feel nothing. Fights are not the reason for a relationship to die. Unfair fight however is poison. Saying things just to hurt is fatal. It's mean, and "mean" cannot be part of any relationship. Words are powerful. Whether one means them or not...Once they are said, they are also heard. And therefore, they cannot be taken back. They are out there doing what they were meant to do. In this case hurting.

Realizing happiness in the midst of a pandemic

Realizing happiness in the midst of a pandemic

My kids are my life. I love them more than anything from the first moment I saw them.
I’ve always thought we are doing everything we can to be the best parents and that was probably true. I also knew that the grind we were living in wasn’t healthy or normal. It was increasingly difficult to enjoy moments of joy because everything was a rush.

Then came the COVID-19 pandemic and it put the world in an awkward pause. It forced us to slow down and be together. The notice what’s really meaningful and realize priorities. Family, health, simple joy.

It gave us a chance to reflect on the past and contemplate the future while being amazingly aware of the present. It gave us time...with each other, with ourselves, for one another.

Thh hi is pandemic is scary. It’s sad. It’s worrisome and it will have a long lasting effect on the economy, on health care and on people’s lives and livelihood.
But it will also give us unforgettable moments.

To me, it has so far given me perspective. On how important family is. How crucial our health is. How important it is to appreciate the present and to be able to make flexible plans. Life can be like the book “welcome to holland”. Just because plans change it doesn’t mean we have to give up on happiness. We just have to find it elsewhere.

I found it in my kids. In a different way than ever before. I’ve worked hard and endured the grind knowing that’s the only way to provide the best for them. I call bullshit on my own actions.
What they need and want isn’t fancy toys or extra curricular activities. What they want is time with us. And that’s what I try to give them. I cherish every moment and I hope I can make changes that will allow me to continue with a more realistic and fulfilling work/life balance.

Noah and Ollie are my world. And I want to be a part of their world. I want to witness their path, their lives and help them find themselves. Help them become who they dream to be whatever that may be. I want to give them the belief that reaching for the stars is not only okay, but a way to reach happiness. Believing in miracles is okay. Believing in themselves is a must. Because they themselves are miracles. They already are and they already have everything they need to be who they are meant to be. The rest is just practice, belief, faith, perseverance. Lastly, I want to show them that  we are always here for them no matter what. Always.

They will rock this world. They already rock mine.

Mommy

To Never Forget...

To Never Forget...

It’s April 15^th, 2020.

• -        Massachusetts is under a “stay-at-home” advisory by Governor Charlie Baker
• -        The price of gas is $1.69/gallon
• -        Schools have been close for a month (since March 16^th)
• -        There are lines inside and outside of stores to distance people
• -        You can only leave the house wearing a mask
• -        Non-essentials stores and businesses are closed
• -        Parks are not accessible to the public
• -        All sport competitions are cancelled.
• -        Concerts, festivals, entertainment events ae cancelled.
• -        Weddings, family celebrations, holiday gatherings are cancelled.
• -        Funerals are delayed or only attended by 2-4 immediate family members
• -        Churches are closed.
• -        You can date no one outside of the house.
• -        Outdoor playgrounds for kids ae closed.
• -        We need to get away from each other more than 6 feet.
• -        Shortage of masks and gloves in hospitals.
• -        There are not enough artificial respirators compared o the numbers of people in need.
• -        Supermarkets missing basic and essential items, such as toilet papers, flour, yeast, paper towel, etc.
• -        Governments closed borders to all non-essential travel
• -        Fines are imposed for those who want to break the rules.
• -        The Roads are almost empty.
• -        People are afraid to leave home.

-        Here is the COVID-19 pandemic declared on March 11, 2020.

Wonder why I am writing this?

Within a year, and every year it will appear in my Facebook memories section, and it will be an annual reminder that life is precious and that you can’t take anything for granted and feel enough gratitude until the following year being there where we are with comfort we have.

Be grateful.

Our Daily Lives

Our Daily lives - February 20, 2020 (My 39th Birthday)

This is not intended to be a structured and well written piece. i guess non of the blog entries are, but I feel especially strongly about mentioning it now, since this topic has been on my mind but it is so overwhelming that i keep putting it aside. The problem with that is that our lives are changing so fast, I am afraid to miss the opportunity about the current one. I already missed the chance to write about life with tiny babies (infants), so I figured I just write down what I can, even if it's not well organized.

One day I presume my kids will have kids on their own and as a future grandma, I want to be able to remember how it feels to be in the midst of it all, so i can adequately help when the time comes. Sometimes, it is hard to remember how something felt in the past, prohibiting us from being able to offer real empathy and helpful encouragement to others. So here it goes.

Our boys (Noah and Ollie) are 4.5 and 3 years old. Yes this is really the thick of it. Fatigue is present nonstop and runs so deep it is hard to describe. Most of the time it's a chaos. We try to follow some parenting fundamentals and make the best decision we can in the moment with the future in mind, but boy it is difficult when we are stretched to our limits every day, every hour.

Most weekdays, my alarm goes off at 5:30 am. I leave the house at 6:36 and I'm siting on the 6:50 am train heading to work. By I commute about an hour and a half on a good day, two hours (or more) on a bad one. I carry a rather heavy backpack with my laptop and I usually write some personal emails or "to do" lists on the train. I am at work for 8-8.5 hours and then I had home. I get an hour lunch break, but I rarely take it, since i always have to work or run errands for the family during lunch; or make phone calls to doctors, offices, various departments, etc - there is always something to take care of. So lunch in peace and quiet is non existent these days.

After work, I walk a mile and a half to the train, with my backpack, usually calling Daddy - our last check in before we get home and the craziness starts. When i get off the train I drive to daycare to pick the boys up. This is usually fairly fast but also stressful. All parents are doing the same, so it's a bit chaotic there, kids are excited and loud, they are thrilled to see us but don't want to leave without showing us things or finishing the activity they are working on at the moment. Getting in the car is a bad joke. The nervous words to get them in the car without yelling (because who wants to do that in front of teachers and other parents), the begging or arguing to sit down and buckle so we can finally leave and give our parking spot to another rushing and tired parent.

I LOVE seeing the boys after my day (I miss them every day) but I am also exhausted from a long, nonstop day that is just about to slide into second shift.
After daycare we either go home (Monday, Wednesday, Friday) or head straight to Noah's karate class (Tuesday and Thursdays) making the day even longer. By the time we get home, it's dinner time. If we are lucky, one of us makes it home 30 minutes earlier to start cooking, if not, we go into panic mode to clean the lunch boxes, start peeling, chopping dicing and cooking while trying to be with the kids. We want to spend quality time with them, we think about it all day with excitement but when the time comes, there is just so much to do between stepping through the door and going to bed. Cooking, cleaning, preparing for next day, help with potty, play, discipline, bathe, brush teeth, give medicine (Noah has asthma so medicine is every morning and every night), put creams and oils for skin conditions and finally crash in the bed...to READ.

See by this time, when our bodies finally hit a bed, any bed, we just want to crash. I swear our body is so sore, that I feel like my hair hurts. But we need to read, we want to read, we want to chat about their days, tell stories and then pray that they fall asleep fairly fast. Noah has always been challenging at night. He doesn't go to sleep alone and take 90-120 minutes to fall asleep. Whoever goes with Noah, falls asleep with Noah, which means no downtime, no "me" time, no release at the end of the day. Just sliding into the next day to do it all over again. Lately Ollie has been challenging to put to sleep as well. he used to take 5-10 minutes, now it's an hour. We have to figure something out because it's just too much. We need a little time at the end of the day for ourselves and for each other.

 Whoever does the morning shift with the boys, has to wake up, dress him or herself, dress the boys (usually with fighting about what clothes to wear or not to wear), go downstairs, make breakfast, clean up breakfast, give medicine, go to potty, put shoes and sweaters on, make lunch, pack lunch, put coats on and get in the car. This is ritual is NEVER LESS THAN 90 minutes. At least. Whoever is doing the morning shift is exhausted before even getting to work. See when i wake up early to go to work, I can wake up at 5:45 or even 6 and still leave at 6:30. Uninterrupted time, getting ready, quiet and peace. The person getting the kids ready for school doesn't get that. It's hard to even brush teeth or go to pee in the morning in peace when the kids are there.

I am at work, so I have to cut this short. The way I want to finish this writing, is to say I LOVE my kids. I adore them. I think they are the greatest things on this planet. I will jump in front of a train for them. I love them through and through.
It is an incredibly taxing time of our lives but also the best. It's exhausting, but I, for some reason, also love their dependency on us. The unconditional love, the way they make us feel like we are their universe and cannot do wrong in their eyes, the endless trust they have in us, the curiosity in everything we do or say cannot be taken lightly. It comes with the responsibility to treat them with eternal love, kindness and support. We are the people who will NEVER hurt them, who will always be by their side, who will love them with everything they truly are, who will be their pillars when they need a boost and the shoulders they will sometimes need to lean on to reach their dreams and goals. 

Parenting Little Ones - chapter I.

Parenting Little Ones - chapter I.

I don't have a daughter. But I do have two amazing sons, who will choose amazing (hopefully) girls one day to be their wives and therefore my daughter-in-laws. And they will have kids on their own one day. Unfortunately, history shows that the grandparents on the mom's side are usually more involved in their grand-kids' lives (especially at the beginning) I do see exceptions, and I hope that when the time comes, we will be able to be close to ours. I hope to have a great relationship with my future "daughters" (aka daughter-in-laws) and I hope I will be able to share some of my memories as a mom with them - not to make them feel i know better, but to make them feel that they are not alone, and that whatever they might be feeling or experiencing is all normal. I wish someone told me that before being in the midst of it. So here it is.

Being the parent of two young children is HARD. Don't get me wrong, it is by far the most rewarding and fulfilling tasks I've taken on, but it is by all means HARD. It is tiring physically, emotionally, mentally. It is chaotic and feels like a whirlwind at most if not all times. It is filled with love so overwhelming that there should be another name for it. However, it is also filled with challenges, doubts, endless worries, nervous anticipation, often questionable reactions. It is all worth it. Yes, it's true. But I aim to write down the real thing, not the illusions. Life, books, friends, society, television will provide enough illusions about having a baby and raising children; but the reality is something no one ever prepared us for.

With that being said, first of all, I want to say sorry to my kids for everything we are doing that may not turn out to be the best decision in the long run (like all parents, we hope there is none of those but we know there will be). Believe me, we are both trying our best every single day, every single hour, every single second. Every act, every word, every decision we make is purely with the Noah and Oliver's best in mind.

Having a baby is the most wonderful life experience. The most profound, the most overwhelming, the most influential on one's life. On the other hand it comes with sleep deprivation, confusion, chaos, doubts, angst, worries and fatigue. When Noah was born, we didn't sleep for months. He was a terrible sleeper, up every hour, sometimes 45 minutes during the night. He wasn't a great breast-feeder and he had constant stomach issues which made him cry sometimes for hours. He has never napped with us. Not once. Until this day (he is 4.5 years old) he wakes up at the crack of dawn, operates like an Energizer bunny 100mph until he crashes around 9:30 pm if we are lucky. It is truly incredible the amount of energy he has. In the meantime, we are both working full time, and I commute 3 hours a day, so we are both gone about 11-12 hours a day (6:30-5:30). For one, when Noah was a baby I finally understood why sleep deprivation can be used as a torture device. I mean darn! it turns you inside out, and eats you up. Secondly, physical fatigue is something we have never experienced before even though we were both professional athletes besides school and work. And the mental load is just too large to even describe. I found that the hardest as a mom.

I find that a Dad can be involved as much as he wants to be, he can change diapers, do night shifts, cook, clean, fold laundry, etc., but the mental load is carried by the mom 95% of the time. The household organization, appointments, scheduling, paperwork (no one tell you how many documents you will have to fill out on your child's behalf), the logistics of chores, bills, drop of, pick up, pharmacy, endless doctor appointments, food shopping (now with a new mindset because nutrition becomes 10 times more important and more complex one a child enters the family) - and all this with the careful calculation of how much time it takes to get out of the house with a baby. Packing for a day becomes as difficult as it was to pack for a 2 week vacation alone. And everything seems to have a deadline yesterday or a due date tomorrow. Moms do that. And working moms (me) don't have the time carved out to do this. I do it on the train, during my walk from the train to work, during bathroom breaks, during eating (if i don't forget to eat). I multitask on a level I cannot describe and i consider myself extremely efficient. But it all comes with a price. I have NO time for me. NONE. I am not exaggerating, absolutely zero. yet, at night, when I put my kids to sleep and they snuggle up next to me, all I can think of "how wonderful my life is".

What I have learned so far and what I want to jot down as helpful tips:
- Structure and precise scheduling is vital but flexibility is also a must.
- Having Plan B and C is very helpful.
- Breathe.
- Adopt the motto "it's okay". (It's okay if the dishes are done, it's okay if you cry, it's okay if you work, it's okay if you don't, it's okay if you want one child, it's okay if you want more, and it's okay if you want none. It's okay to be tired, it's okay to let go. It's okay to not wanting to meet up with friends, and it's okay to want to have time for yourself. It's okay if the bed isn't made, and it's okay if you forget something for a trip; etc.etc) It's ALL okay. Just be kind. be patient...mostly with yourself and then others.
- Keep smiling even if it's forced, at least once a day.
- Find something for yourself (whether it's working out 20 minutes, walk, read, etc. - try not to be on your phone during that "time for yourself".)
- Disconnect from facebook - it's FAKEbook
- The only thing that matters is family and health.


I am sure I will add to this list as time goes on, but I wanted to start these letters before things change and i forget. The one thing about parenthood is that no matter how hard things are, they change all the time and they change fast, even when it doesn't seem like it. What was hard a year ago or even two weeks ago isn't today and what I find hard today probably won't seem like it in a month. So sometimes, learn to let go and ride the wave. Let things play out and accept that not everything can be in your control. It's okay. And whatever issue, concern, dilemma you have on your mind today, the chances are "you don't have to do anything about it TODAY". So breathe. You are doing great. You exactly where you should be. And yes, you CAN.