I don't know how to go on. I don't know how to stay, I don't know how to go. I don't know how I feel about you anymore. You are mean. I remember when I met you and I told my friends and family that I think I found the one, and they asked me why, I said because "I know he would never hurt me.
I was wrong. Oh so wrong. You CAN hurt me. So often. Sometimes intentionally, sometimes not.
You have a mean side that is beyond imaginable to others. A side of you that you only save for me.
Today was a very bad day (again). I woke up in so much pain - but instead of lashing out, I told you upfront early morning that I am in a lot of pain, please be understanding. I also told you several days ago that Thursday (today) will be very busy at work - I won't have the flexibility I usually have. I asked that you please respect that and focus on the kids - so I don't have that worry. You said OK.
Yet, i found the kids twice playing alone on the other side of the house than where you were. Once, pushing each other backwards down the rail you built on a concrete patio. Yes, stupid. But is it really? Or just a 3 and 5 year old being a 3 and 5? YOU on the other hand should have been there. But you were on the phone. Why? Because you decided to call Mazda and the landscapers today. We have been talking about it for week and you could have called any afternoon when you were gone and alone, while I got the kids. I even told you to call several times in the evening when I had the kids. But no, you decided today was the best day when i counted on you.
In the morning, you slept in. You usually take on the breakfast shift since I am supposed to run or work. Today I did neither. I dressed and fed the kids, and kept them quiet so you can sleep. And then you couldn't even make sure that I could work. Nor did you tell me that you can't watch them, so that at least I could - for their safety.
And then, you let them within 6 inches from a guy with no gloves, no mask on. A complete stranger, when we have a high risk child with asthma and we are supposed to social distance 6 feet apart!!!!
You get defensive, and once again MEAN, because you feel cornered and accused that you are a bad father. Man up! Try to see my point. I don't care how often you are a good father. Lately you have done stupid shit that endangered them. That makes me feel terrible. Worried, scared, doubtful, and a million other feelings on top of all the uncertainty and pressure we already live in.
Then you apologized when I told you how I feel and came home 3 hours later just to completely disregard me. Yes that is how it felt. To you it didn't. you came home and asked how I was - so you think you did "your best" as you say. But when I responded "I feel like shit" what did you do? What did you change? How did you help? How were you there for me?
You weren't. You didn't try to ease my mind or heart. You didn't try to console me or make me feel better. Stepping in to do some chores (like a super easy dinner) isn't extra. It's what we do every day. It's what should happen way more than it happens (since I cook 99% of the time). Being there, sitting with someone, talk to them, rub their stomach or whatever hurts. Same as you do for your son.
But no. Because I am not your kid. Not anyone it feels like. Just nobody in your eyes. And I just can't do it anymore.
I was wrong. Oh so wrong. You CAN hurt me. So often. Sometimes intentionally, sometimes not.
You have a mean side that is beyond imaginable to others. A side of you that you only save for me.
Today was a very bad day (again). I woke up in so much pain - but instead of lashing out, I told you upfront early morning that I am in a lot of pain, please be understanding. I also told you several days ago that Thursday (today) will be very busy at work - I won't have the flexibility I usually have. I asked that you please respect that and focus on the kids - so I don't have that worry. You said OK.
Yet, i found the kids twice playing alone on the other side of the house than where you were. Once, pushing each other backwards down the rail you built on a concrete patio. Yes, stupid. But is it really? Or just a 3 and 5 year old being a 3 and 5? YOU on the other hand should have been there. But you were on the phone. Why? Because you decided to call Mazda and the landscapers today. We have been talking about it for week and you could have called any afternoon when you were gone and alone, while I got the kids. I even told you to call several times in the evening when I had the kids. But no, you decided today was the best day when i counted on you.
In the morning, you slept in. You usually take on the breakfast shift since I am supposed to run or work. Today I did neither. I dressed and fed the kids, and kept them quiet so you can sleep. And then you couldn't even make sure that I could work. Nor did you tell me that you can't watch them, so that at least I could - for their safety.
And then, you let them within 6 inches from a guy with no gloves, no mask on. A complete stranger, when we have a high risk child with asthma and we are supposed to social distance 6 feet apart!!!!
You get defensive, and once again MEAN, because you feel cornered and accused that you are a bad father. Man up! Try to see my point. I don't care how often you are a good father. Lately you have done stupid shit that endangered them. That makes me feel terrible. Worried, scared, doubtful, and a million other feelings on top of all the uncertainty and pressure we already live in.
Then you apologized when I told you how I feel and came home 3 hours later just to completely disregard me. Yes that is how it felt. To you it didn't. you came home and asked how I was - so you think you did "your best" as you say. But when I responded "I feel like shit" what did you do? What did you change? How did you help? How were you there for me?
You weren't. You didn't try to ease my mind or heart. You didn't try to console me or make me feel better. Stepping in to do some chores (like a super easy dinner) isn't extra. It's what we do every day. It's what should happen way more than it happens (since I cook 99% of the time). Being there, sitting with someone, talk to them, rub their stomach or whatever hurts. Same as you do for your son.
But no. Because I am not your kid. Not anyone it feels like. Just nobody in your eyes. And I just can't do it anymore.
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