About human independency…or should I say disconnection

About human independency…or should I say disconnection

Is there anyone who knows your darkest secrets? Anyone who knows all of you? Where did the honest bond between humans disappear?

Allowing another being to know everything about you, your full story with its angles and demons, is simply liberating. It brings relief, a sense of belonging and freedom. It frees the soul and allows it to shed that sense of loneliness that so often weighs on our shoulders. It makes one feel loved not for a sole characteristic and quality, but for one’s true self. Yes, it comes with a sense of vulnerability, a feeling that is perceived so frightening for most.

Hiding our dark side and putting on a face that is attractive for others have become a kind of safety provider. We think we can build a wall around us, and crouch behind it at all times. Sadly, we often succeed. At least for a while that is. But this kind of safety is just an illusion that has the ability to seem so real, we become addicted to it, not ever realizing that it is unattainable. Without an all-honest bond with another soul, we can never be safe, because we can never be loved and accepted for who we are. Hell, we can never even be known. We build this imaginary wall every day. It’s in every movement, every act, every little gesture and behavior. It is an exhausting and never ending task for something that will never bring happiness.

I don’t see safety in hiding who I am. I don’t see the protection behind the mask.

I see my freedom and my security in the connection I have with those who know me with all my merits and flaws, and still accept me and love me. Sharing something I am not proud of with someone whose feelings and thoughts are important to me is scary, but the feeling of approval, acceptance and non-judgmental love is worth every bit of the effort to overcome that fear.

I don’t understand the modern concept of seeing independence as a key attraction factor. Where did the beauty of mutual dependency between two human beings disappear? Where and when did someone decide that it is a sign of weakness? Where did vulnerability become so terrifying for most if not all of us? Close your eyes. Look deep inside your soul. Do you really feel so strong and safe in your illusion of independence?  Have you mastered it to the point where allowing another human so close where you feel completely and utterly vulnerable is not only impossible but something despicable? Have you forgotten that at some point you were so close and attached to another that you couldn’t exist outside of their womb? Have you forgotten those years of childhood years and moments where you knew that depending and relying on others are not only accepted, but appreciated and returned?

I am not questioning the difficulty of allowing another close, to trust them with our secrets, to show them our weaknesses, to be seen imperfect. I am questioning the cost of it. I am questioning the reason behind it and the motivation to withdraw. I am questioning the determination of remaining so independent that we are willing to risk to live a life with our story alone….without sharing the full story with at least one person or making an effort to witness that of another. I am questioning if this independent and delusional safety mask we hide behind is worth the disconnection we create. I am questioning who will be remembered by the level of independence and disconnection they managed to maintain, rather than the depth of bonds and connections they build with others.

1/14/2011

Why I write?

Why I Write?

I always loved to write. I made many attempts to write something, but so far the only loyal audience I’ve had is your truly. I’ve often dreamed about becoming an accomplished writer one day, but there is a pretty big chance that I never will be. Nevertheless, during the years, I came to realize that my writing isn’t about pleasing potential readers. It isn’t about my writing to be read. Not at all. It is simply about the act of writing that not only pleases me, but also offers a strange kind of relief when life gets a bit…how should I put it? Interesting...hectic...overwhelming? You pick.

So here I am writing for the sake of writing, for the sake of maintaining my own sanity in this insanely chaotic yet so lovely world, with the hope that maybe some of this scribble might bring a smile to someone. Ultimately that is the only reason to share anything with others after all, isn’t it? To make them feel understood and to let them know they are not alone. Because I believe none of us are. We just lost a sense of belonging somewhere along the way. But more about this later maybe...

I don't have specific goals about how many times to write, or what topics to write about. I simply want to write whenever I feel like, and share it whenever and however I feel like, and about whatever I feel like. Is that wrong? I will not write things I think you may want to read, nor will I write anything others think I should write about. I will write about life and with that I said it all. Remember Forrest Gump? Life is a box of chocolate, you never know what you get. So is my writing, you never know what you might read. So don't have expectations, don't judge the writing or the content, don't look for anything. Just read, enjoy whatever you may read, let me write, and most of all, bear with me...if none of these work for you, feel free not to read any of it. This isn't about pleasing you by what I write. It is simply about sharing what I have.