Should I stay or should I go?
How does one decide to stay in a marriage or not? Is doing it for "the kids sake" the right thing to do?
What if I'm unhappy. What if I don't see a way to be happy next to the person I'm with?
I don't believe that it is the other person's responsibility to make us happy. But I do think it's their responsibility to help and support. To allow us to be happy the way we can be happy. To care about our feelings and consider our perspectives. I do think we should feel that we matter in a relationship. or what's the point of being in it?
I do believe that while there is plenty of men and women out there, if we don't feel special in a relationship, it's not worth it. I don't want to feel like I'm A woman in my partner's life. I want to feel that I am THE woman. The special one to them. Not only do I not feel special right now, I feel like no one. Unseen. Unfelt. Misunderstood. Mistreated. Unworthy for love.
Maybe the right question is can I stay? Rather than, 'SHOULD" I stay...
How long can I devote my life to a man who is incapable of seeing me, understanding me. Who doesn't appreciate what I do and who I am. Who doesn't respect me as a wife or as a mother?
Thursday, May 7, 2020
I don't know how
I don't know how...
I don't know how to go on. I don't know how to stay, I don't know how to go. I don't know how I feel about you anymore. You are mean. I remember when I met you and I told my friends and family that I think I found the one, and they asked me why, I said because "I know he would never hurt me.
I was wrong. Oh so wrong. You CAN hurt me. So often. Sometimes intentionally, sometimes not.
You have a mean side that is beyond imaginable to others. A side of you that you only save for me.
Today was a very bad day (again). I woke up in so much pain - but instead of lashing out, I told you upfront early morning that I am in a lot of pain, please be understanding. I also told you several days ago that Thursday (today) will be very busy at work - I won't have the flexibility I usually have. I asked that you please respect that and focus on the kids - so I don't have that worry. You said OK.
Yet, i found the kids twice playing alone on the other side of the house than where you were. Once, pushing each other backwards down the rail you built on a concrete patio. Yes, stupid. But is it really? Or just a 3 and 5 year old being a 3 and 5? YOU on the other hand should have been there. But you were on the phone. Why? Because you decided to call Mazda and the landscapers today. We have been talking about it for week and you could have called any afternoon when you were gone and alone, while I got the kids. I even told you to call several times in the evening when I had the kids. But no, you decided today was the best day when i counted on you.
In the morning, you slept in. You usually take on the breakfast shift since I am supposed to run or work. Today I did neither. I dressed and fed the kids, and kept them quiet so you can sleep. And then you couldn't even make sure that I could work. Nor did you tell me that you can't watch them, so that at least I could - for their safety.
And then, you let them within 6 inches from a guy with no gloves, no mask on. A complete stranger, when we have a high risk child with asthma and we are supposed to social distance 6 feet apart!!!!
You get defensive, and once again MEAN, because you feel cornered and accused that you are a bad father. Man up! Try to see my point. I don't care how often you are a good father. Lately you have done stupid shit that endangered them. That makes me feel terrible. Worried, scared, doubtful, and a million other feelings on top of all the uncertainty and pressure we already live in.
Then you apologized when I told you how I feel and came home 3 hours later just to completely disregard me. Yes that is how it felt. To you it didn't. you came home and asked how I was - so you think you did "your best" as you say. But when I responded "I feel like shit" what did you do? What did you change? How did you help? How were you there for me?
You weren't. You didn't try to ease my mind or heart. You didn't try to console me or make me feel better. Stepping in to do some chores (like a super easy dinner) isn't extra. It's what we do every day. It's what should happen way more than it happens (since I cook 99% of the time). Being there, sitting with someone, talk to them, rub their stomach or whatever hurts. Same as you do for your son.
But no. Because I am not your kid. Not anyone it feels like. Just nobody in your eyes. And I just can't do it anymore.
I was wrong. Oh so wrong. You CAN hurt me. So often. Sometimes intentionally, sometimes not.
You have a mean side that is beyond imaginable to others. A side of you that you only save for me.
Today was a very bad day (again). I woke up in so much pain - but instead of lashing out, I told you upfront early morning that I am in a lot of pain, please be understanding. I also told you several days ago that Thursday (today) will be very busy at work - I won't have the flexibility I usually have. I asked that you please respect that and focus on the kids - so I don't have that worry. You said OK.
Yet, i found the kids twice playing alone on the other side of the house than where you were. Once, pushing each other backwards down the rail you built on a concrete patio. Yes, stupid. But is it really? Or just a 3 and 5 year old being a 3 and 5? YOU on the other hand should have been there. But you were on the phone. Why? Because you decided to call Mazda and the landscapers today. We have been talking about it for week and you could have called any afternoon when you were gone and alone, while I got the kids. I even told you to call several times in the evening when I had the kids. But no, you decided today was the best day when i counted on you.
In the morning, you slept in. You usually take on the breakfast shift since I am supposed to run or work. Today I did neither. I dressed and fed the kids, and kept them quiet so you can sleep. And then you couldn't even make sure that I could work. Nor did you tell me that you can't watch them, so that at least I could - for their safety.
And then, you let them within 6 inches from a guy with no gloves, no mask on. A complete stranger, when we have a high risk child with asthma and we are supposed to social distance 6 feet apart!!!!
You get defensive, and once again MEAN, because you feel cornered and accused that you are a bad father. Man up! Try to see my point. I don't care how often you are a good father. Lately you have done stupid shit that endangered them. That makes me feel terrible. Worried, scared, doubtful, and a million other feelings on top of all the uncertainty and pressure we already live in.
Then you apologized when I told you how I feel and came home 3 hours later just to completely disregard me. Yes that is how it felt. To you it didn't. you came home and asked how I was - so you think you did "your best" as you say. But when I responded "I feel like shit" what did you do? What did you change? How did you help? How were you there for me?
You weren't. You didn't try to ease my mind or heart. You didn't try to console me or make me feel better. Stepping in to do some chores (like a super easy dinner) isn't extra. It's what we do every day. It's what should happen way more than it happens (since I cook 99% of the time). Being there, sitting with someone, talk to them, rub their stomach or whatever hurts. Same as you do for your son.
But no. Because I am not your kid. Not anyone it feels like. Just nobody in your eyes. And I just can't do it anymore.
I miss you
I miss you
I am struggling. I am struggling with our relationship, and my role in it. I wonder how I got here. How we got here? Were there obvious signs ignored? Or just overwhelmed with other priorities at the moment?
I remember the beginning. Vaguely, but I do. It was liberating. Relaxing. Like coming home. I felt on the top of the world. Secure and loved. I felt that I could never be hurt. Not by you at least.
But time has proven otherwise. I got hurt. More than Once. By you.
Is it me? Did I cause it? Did I deserve it? And if so, for how long? How much?
What should I do? What CAN I do?
We have two beautiful kids. They are simply awesome. But they feel it, and my heart breaks because no matter how hard I try to hide it or spare them from the feeling that we are broken in some ways, I don't seem to get a grip on it. It's too deep. Too frequent. Too painful.
I've tried to talk to you many times. You think it's nagging...bitching...complaining. I've tried to change. I've tried to accept it's life...that there is nothing more to it. I've tried to lower my expectations. I've tried to look at it from different angles, and I tried to react differently.
I tried reacting as much as I tried being proactive. I tried tears, I tried anger, I tried sadness.
I tried distance and I tried closeness. You name it, I tried it all.
Our life isn't easy. It hasn't been since the kids came along. We are in the grind every day, every waking minute. Of course, I feel gratitude for our health and for our kids and for everything we have. But in reality, our life isn't what I pictured, what I hoped for. We work nonstop. We barely have time for our kids, let alone for each other. We never stop. We don't see half of what the other carries on his/her shoulder, and therefore we don't show half the appreciation for each other as we should. Or maybe we are just too tired to show it. I don't know. It's draining. We both give, we both grind, we both go 100 miles/hr - so much so that we don't have the time TO PAUSE and simply, care.
Care for each other. Care for ourselves. Pause, to say THANK YOU. Pause TO LISTEN. Pause to offer sympathy or to offer healthy confrontation. Pause to enjoy life. Our lives. And somehow, our life has become nothing but work - work at work, work at home, work with the kids. Work we get paid for, and work we don't. Household logistics, parenting, caregiving, cleaning, accounting, nursing, organizing, planning, appointments, endless to do lists, shopping, packing, unpacking, yard work, house work, laundry, etc. etc. etc.
Suddenly, I find ourselves not living. We don't give the time of the day to each other. And through all this I "complain". Or so you claim: I complain all the time.
So yes. I complain. I am not going to defend myself or come up with excuses if that is how you see it. But so what if I complain? Never mind, that we both do. Never mind that maybe I have some merit (legit reasons) to the complaints. But most of all, never mind that complaining is STILL BETTER than other options. Complaining means I still care.
There is a huge difference between criticism and complaint.
Criticism carries judgement.
Complaint carries a need. Complaining means one cares. One needs. One asks. Maybe they don't ask or communicate the best way, but nevertheless they do.
I complain about you not listening because I need TO BE HEARD.
I complain that you don't look at me when I speak because I need TO BE SEEN.
I complain that you don't initiate conversations or spending time with me because I need TO MATTER.
I complain that you don't do certain things for me without putting up an argument or without having it to be on your terms, because I need TO FEEL IMPORTANT to you.
I complain that you get defensive because I need TO BE UNDERSTOOD.
There are only 3 words that are more important to me than "I love you". And those are: I UNDERSTAND YOU. That means more than anything to me (to most of us) and that is what made me fall in love with you. For the first time, I felt understood when I met you. It's been a long time, a very long time that I felt that way.
I complain because I don't feel noticed. I don't feel that my thoughts and feelings count for something. I don't feel more important in your world than work or other people on the other end of a text, or call or facebook.
I want to be appreciated and I want my life, which I am SPENDING WITH YOU, to be meaningful.
I don't want to get through life. I don't want to make it through our marriage. I want to live. I want to dive in and experience marriage - even when we fight, knowing that at the end of the day we will land on the same page, even when that means sacrifice or compromise.
The truth is I rather fight than feel nothing. Fights are not the reason for a relationship to die. Unfair fight however is poison. Saying things just to hurt is fatal. It's mean, and "mean" cannot be part of any relationship. Words are powerful. Whether one means them or not...Once they are said, they are also heard. And therefore, they cannot be taken back. They are out there doing what they were meant to do. In this case hurting.
I remember the beginning. Vaguely, but I do. It was liberating. Relaxing. Like coming home. I felt on the top of the world. Secure and loved. I felt that I could never be hurt. Not by you at least.
But time has proven otherwise. I got hurt. More than Once. By you.
Is it me? Did I cause it? Did I deserve it? And if so, for how long? How much?
What should I do? What CAN I do?
We have two beautiful kids. They are simply awesome. But they feel it, and my heart breaks because no matter how hard I try to hide it or spare them from the feeling that we are broken in some ways, I don't seem to get a grip on it. It's too deep. Too frequent. Too painful.
I've tried to talk to you many times. You think it's nagging...bitching...complaining. I've tried to change. I've tried to accept it's life...that there is nothing more to it. I've tried to lower my expectations. I've tried to look at it from different angles, and I tried to react differently.
I tried reacting as much as I tried being proactive. I tried tears, I tried anger, I tried sadness.
I tried distance and I tried closeness. You name it, I tried it all.
Our life isn't easy. It hasn't been since the kids came along. We are in the grind every day, every waking minute. Of course, I feel gratitude for our health and for our kids and for everything we have. But in reality, our life isn't what I pictured, what I hoped for. We work nonstop. We barely have time for our kids, let alone for each other. We never stop. We don't see half of what the other carries on his/her shoulder, and therefore we don't show half the appreciation for each other as we should. Or maybe we are just too tired to show it. I don't know. It's draining. We both give, we both grind, we both go 100 miles/hr - so much so that we don't have the time TO PAUSE and simply, care.
Care for each other. Care for ourselves. Pause, to say THANK YOU. Pause TO LISTEN. Pause to offer sympathy or to offer healthy confrontation. Pause to enjoy life. Our lives. And somehow, our life has become nothing but work - work at work, work at home, work with the kids. Work we get paid for, and work we don't. Household logistics, parenting, caregiving, cleaning, accounting, nursing, organizing, planning, appointments, endless to do lists, shopping, packing, unpacking, yard work, house work, laundry, etc. etc. etc.
Suddenly, I find ourselves not living. We don't give the time of the day to each other. And through all this I "complain". Or so you claim: I complain all the time.
So yes. I complain. I am not going to defend myself or come up with excuses if that is how you see it. But so what if I complain? Never mind, that we both do. Never mind that maybe I have some merit (legit reasons) to the complaints. But most of all, never mind that complaining is STILL BETTER than other options. Complaining means I still care.
There is a huge difference between criticism and complaint.
Criticism carries judgement.
Complaint carries a need. Complaining means one cares. One needs. One asks. Maybe they don't ask or communicate the best way, but nevertheless they do.
I complain about you not listening because I need TO BE HEARD.
I complain that you don't look at me when I speak because I need TO BE SEEN.
I complain that you don't initiate conversations or spending time with me because I need TO MATTER.
I complain that you don't do certain things for me without putting up an argument or without having it to be on your terms, because I need TO FEEL IMPORTANT to you.
I complain that you get defensive because I need TO BE UNDERSTOOD.
There are only 3 words that are more important to me than "I love you". And those are: I UNDERSTAND YOU. That means more than anything to me (to most of us) and that is what made me fall in love with you. For the first time, I felt understood when I met you. It's been a long time, a very long time that I felt that way.
I complain because I don't feel noticed. I don't feel that my thoughts and feelings count for something. I don't feel more important in your world than work or other people on the other end of a text, or call or facebook.
I want to be appreciated and I want my life, which I am SPENDING WITH YOU, to be meaningful.
I don't want to get through life. I don't want to make it through our marriage. I want to live. I want to dive in and experience marriage - even when we fight, knowing that at the end of the day we will land on the same page, even when that means sacrifice or compromise.
The truth is I rather fight than feel nothing. Fights are not the reason for a relationship to die. Unfair fight however is poison. Saying things just to hurt is fatal. It's mean, and "mean" cannot be part of any relationship. Words are powerful. Whether one means them or not...Once they are said, they are also heard. And therefore, they cannot be taken back. They are out there doing what they were meant to do. In this case hurting.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)