Our Daily Lives

Our Daily lives - February 20, 2020 (My 39th Birthday)

This is not intended to be a structured and well written piece. i guess non of the blog entries are, but I feel especially strongly about mentioning it now, since this topic has been on my mind but it is so overwhelming that i keep putting it aside. The problem with that is that our lives are changing so fast, I am afraid to miss the opportunity about the current one. I already missed the chance to write about life with tiny babies (infants), so I figured I just write down what I can, even if it's not well organized.

One day I presume my kids will have kids on their own and as a future grandma, I want to be able to remember how it feels to be in the midst of it all, so i can adequately help when the time comes. Sometimes, it is hard to remember how something felt in the past, prohibiting us from being able to offer real empathy and helpful encouragement to others. So here it goes.

Our boys (Noah and Ollie) are 4.5 and 3 years old. Yes this is really the thick of it. Fatigue is present nonstop and runs so deep it is hard to describe. Most of the time it's a chaos. We try to follow some parenting fundamentals and make the best decision we can in the moment with the future in mind, but boy it is difficult when we are stretched to our limits every day, every hour.

Most weekdays, my alarm goes off at 5:30 am. I leave the house at 6:36 and I'm siting on the 6:50 am train heading to work. By I commute about an hour and a half on a good day, two hours (or more) on a bad one. I carry a rather heavy backpack with my laptop and I usually write some personal emails or "to do" lists on the train. I am at work for 8-8.5 hours and then I had home. I get an hour lunch break, but I rarely take it, since i always have to work or run errands for the family during lunch; or make phone calls to doctors, offices, various departments, etc - there is always something to take care of. So lunch in peace and quiet is non existent these days.

After work, I walk a mile and a half to the train, with my backpack, usually calling Daddy - our last check in before we get home and the craziness starts. When i get off the train I drive to daycare to pick the boys up. This is usually fairly fast but also stressful. All parents are doing the same, so it's a bit chaotic there, kids are excited and loud, they are thrilled to see us but don't want to leave without showing us things or finishing the activity they are working on at the moment. Getting in the car is a bad joke. The nervous words to get them in the car without yelling (because who wants to do that in front of teachers and other parents), the begging or arguing to sit down and buckle so we can finally leave and give our parking spot to another rushing and tired parent.

I LOVE seeing the boys after my day (I miss them every day) but I am also exhausted from a long, nonstop day that is just about to slide into second shift.
After daycare we either go home (Monday, Wednesday, Friday) or head straight to Noah's karate class (Tuesday and Thursdays) making the day even longer. By the time we get home, it's dinner time. If we are lucky, one of us makes it home 30 minutes earlier to start cooking, if not, we go into panic mode to clean the lunch boxes, start peeling, chopping dicing and cooking while trying to be with the kids. We want to spend quality time with them, we think about it all day with excitement but when the time comes, there is just so much to do between stepping through the door and going to bed. Cooking, cleaning, preparing for next day, help with potty, play, discipline, bathe, brush teeth, give medicine (Noah has asthma so medicine is every morning and every night), put creams and oils for skin conditions and finally crash in the bed...to READ.

See by this time, when our bodies finally hit a bed, any bed, we just want to crash. I swear our body is so sore, that I feel like my hair hurts. But we need to read, we want to read, we want to chat about their days, tell stories and then pray that they fall asleep fairly fast. Noah has always been challenging at night. He doesn't go to sleep alone and take 90-120 minutes to fall asleep. Whoever goes with Noah, falls asleep with Noah, which means no downtime, no "me" time, no release at the end of the day. Just sliding into the next day to do it all over again. Lately Ollie has been challenging to put to sleep as well. he used to take 5-10 minutes, now it's an hour. We have to figure something out because it's just too much. We need a little time at the end of the day for ourselves and for each other.

 Whoever does the morning shift with the boys, has to wake up, dress him or herself, dress the boys (usually with fighting about what clothes to wear or not to wear), go downstairs, make breakfast, clean up breakfast, give medicine, go to potty, put shoes and sweaters on, make lunch, pack lunch, put coats on and get in the car. This is ritual is NEVER LESS THAN 90 minutes. At least. Whoever is doing the morning shift is exhausted before even getting to work. See when i wake up early to go to work, I can wake up at 5:45 or even 6 and still leave at 6:30. Uninterrupted time, getting ready, quiet and peace. The person getting the kids ready for school doesn't get that. It's hard to even brush teeth or go to pee in the morning in peace when the kids are there.

I am at work, so I have to cut this short. The way I want to finish this writing, is to say I LOVE my kids. I adore them. I think they are the greatest things on this planet. I will jump in front of a train for them. I love them through and through.
It is an incredibly taxing time of our lives but also the best. It's exhausting, but I, for some reason, also love their dependency on us. The unconditional love, the way they make us feel like we are their universe and cannot do wrong in their eyes, the endless trust they have in us, the curiosity in everything we do or say cannot be taken lightly. It comes with the responsibility to treat them with eternal love, kindness and support. We are the people who will NEVER hurt them, who will always be by their side, who will love them with everything they truly are, who will be their pillars when they need a boost and the shoulders they will sometimes need to lean on to reach their dreams and goals. 

Parenting Little Ones - chapter I.

Parenting Little Ones - chapter I.

I don't have a daughter. But I do have two amazing sons, who will choose amazing (hopefully) girls one day to be their wives and therefore my daughter-in-laws. And they will have kids on their own one day. Unfortunately, history shows that the grandparents on the mom's side are usually more involved in their grand-kids' lives (especially at the beginning) I do see exceptions, and I hope that when the time comes, we will be able to be close to ours. I hope to have a great relationship with my future "daughters" (aka daughter-in-laws) and I hope I will be able to share some of my memories as a mom with them - not to make them feel i know better, but to make them feel that they are not alone, and that whatever they might be feeling or experiencing is all normal. I wish someone told me that before being in the midst of it. So here it is.

Being the parent of two young children is HARD. Don't get me wrong, it is by far the most rewarding and fulfilling tasks I've taken on, but it is by all means HARD. It is tiring physically, emotionally, mentally. It is chaotic and feels like a whirlwind at most if not all times. It is filled with love so overwhelming that there should be another name for it. However, it is also filled with challenges, doubts, endless worries, nervous anticipation, often questionable reactions. It is all worth it. Yes, it's true. But I aim to write down the real thing, not the illusions. Life, books, friends, society, television will provide enough illusions about having a baby and raising children; but the reality is something no one ever prepared us for.

With that being said, first of all, I want to say sorry to my kids for everything we are doing that may not turn out to be the best decision in the long run (like all parents, we hope there is none of those but we know there will be). Believe me, we are both trying our best every single day, every single hour, every single second. Every act, every word, every decision we make is purely with the Noah and Oliver's best in mind.

Having a baby is the most wonderful life experience. The most profound, the most overwhelming, the most influential on one's life. On the other hand it comes with sleep deprivation, confusion, chaos, doubts, angst, worries and fatigue. When Noah was born, we didn't sleep for months. He was a terrible sleeper, up every hour, sometimes 45 minutes during the night. He wasn't a great breast-feeder and he had constant stomach issues which made him cry sometimes for hours. He has never napped with us. Not once. Until this day (he is 4.5 years old) he wakes up at the crack of dawn, operates like an Energizer bunny 100mph until he crashes around 9:30 pm if we are lucky. It is truly incredible the amount of energy he has. In the meantime, we are both working full time, and I commute 3 hours a day, so we are both gone about 11-12 hours a day (6:30-5:30). For one, when Noah was a baby I finally understood why sleep deprivation can be used as a torture device. I mean darn! it turns you inside out, and eats you up. Secondly, physical fatigue is something we have never experienced before even though we were both professional athletes besides school and work. And the mental load is just too large to even describe. I found that the hardest as a mom.

I find that a Dad can be involved as much as he wants to be, he can change diapers, do night shifts, cook, clean, fold laundry, etc., but the mental load is carried by the mom 95% of the time. The household organization, appointments, scheduling, paperwork (no one tell you how many documents you will have to fill out on your child's behalf), the logistics of chores, bills, drop of, pick up, pharmacy, endless doctor appointments, food shopping (now with a new mindset because nutrition becomes 10 times more important and more complex one a child enters the family) - and all this with the careful calculation of how much time it takes to get out of the house with a baby. Packing for a day becomes as difficult as it was to pack for a 2 week vacation alone. And everything seems to have a deadline yesterday or a due date tomorrow. Moms do that. And working moms (me) don't have the time carved out to do this. I do it on the train, during my walk from the train to work, during bathroom breaks, during eating (if i don't forget to eat). I multitask on a level I cannot describe and i consider myself extremely efficient. But it all comes with a price. I have NO time for me. NONE. I am not exaggerating, absolutely zero. yet, at night, when I put my kids to sleep and they snuggle up next to me, all I can think of "how wonderful my life is".

What I have learned so far and what I want to jot down as helpful tips:
- Structure and precise scheduling is vital but flexibility is also a must.
- Having Plan B and C is very helpful.
- Breathe.
- Adopt the motto "it's okay". (It's okay if the dishes are done, it's okay if you cry, it's okay if you work, it's okay if you don't, it's okay if you want one child, it's okay if you want more, and it's okay if you want none. It's okay to be tired, it's okay to let go. It's okay to not wanting to meet up with friends, and it's okay to want to have time for yourself. It's okay if the bed isn't made, and it's okay if you forget something for a trip; etc.etc) It's ALL okay. Just be kind. be patient...mostly with yourself and then others.
- Keep smiling even if it's forced, at least once a day.
- Find something for yourself (whether it's working out 20 minutes, walk, read, etc. - try not to be on your phone during that "time for yourself".)
- Disconnect from facebook - it's FAKEbook
- The only thing that matters is family and health.


I am sure I will add to this list as time goes on, but I wanted to start these letters before things change and i forget. The one thing about parenthood is that no matter how hard things are, they change all the time and they change fast, even when it doesn't seem like it. What was hard a year ago or even two weeks ago isn't today and what I find hard today probably won't seem like it in a month. So sometimes, learn to let go and ride the wave. Let things play out and accept that not everything can be in your control. It's okay. And whatever issue, concern, dilemma you have on your mind today, the chances are "you don't have to do anything about it TODAY". So breathe. You are doing great. You exactly where you should be. And yes, you CAN.