One week of hell

One week of hell

Well...it all started 9 days ago. It's Wednesday, may 17, 2017 today. Last Sunday night, my baby Noah got the groups really bad. You had trouble breathing, so we gave the emergency steroid, put you in a steamy bathroom, then cold air to help. It was scary. On Monday I stayed home with you to make sure you are okay and promised work that I'll be in Wednesday or Friday to make up for it (I work from home on those days). Tuesday we all went to work and daycare but in the afternoon they called us to say you can open your right eye and it might be pink eye, which means no daycare for at least 24 hours. So we took you back to the doctor, where the confirmed its pink eye and you got an antibiotic ointment. My poor thing, how on earth you got pink eye on top of croup?:( I stayed home with you on Wednesday again. This was unbearable I'm not going to lie to you. We scheduled the siding people at our house for last week, thinking we won't be home much anyway - it's a lot of banging all day long 7am-7pm. But this was the third day home, and of course since daddy was outside, you wanted nothing to do with me. Just daddy daddy daddy. Eventually I took you out but then daddy said it's not a good idea because of all the nails...so what was I supposed to do. And in he meantime I was supposed to work. Anyway, i gave up by noon and decided to just play with Gu:) we had fun but I could tell something was not right with you. Sure enough by the evening you had high fever. We called the doctor and they said it probably just the croup and pink eye virus running their course, so we can just give Tylenol. By the morning your fever was 102 so we called the doctor again. I took you in but they didn't say anything wrong, so we were sent home thinking it's just a nasty virus and we need to alternate Tylenol and Motrin every 2-3 hours to keep the fever down. But it kept rising and by Friday night you were delirious from the fever. We took you to the doctor again and asked them to run every possible test. I said I don't care what they think if it, I want you to get tested. Thank god i was adement. As unlikely as it is under age 2, you got strep!!! My goodness. Strep is brutal even for an adult let alone Gu my sweet baby. It was unbearable to watch you in that much pain and fever and not know why or how we can help more. You didn't eat for three days, and mostly you just slept or tried to drink water or was loaded with meds. I hated it. I love you so much, like you are a part of me that when you hurt I hurt. I know you are daddy's boy and you only want him, but just know (one day you will with your own child) that doesn't make my love any less for you. The worry for your child is truly excruciating. 

Needless to say I didn't go to work all week. I felt horrible about as I just got back after three months of maternity leave. But there was no way I'm leaving you Nehemiah you are that sick. You might want to be with daddy only but mommy is mommy and I swear no one knows you as much as I do. That is why I knew to ask for tests. I knew it's not a virus. I just knew.

Of course Mother's Day weekend was still filled with the illness. By Saturday night Ollie developed a bad cough so we had to take him too. He has no fever so not much they can do. Monday you both went to school but we got the inevitable call in the pm that Ollie has the pink eye. So there I was rushing out of work, telling my boss I can't go in next day either. So I spent yesterday with Ollie at home. Thank goodness that you Noah feeling better although strangely you are still not yourself. You wake in the middle of the night screaming bloody murder and you have a very bad, unusually bad temper. I don't know how to jelly up. I want to but I'm lost.

Some say it's because of the week long fever and pain and illness. Some says it's because you realized Ollie is here to stay. Some say it's just the age. I don't know. I want to be there for you and help you but you do t really let me and it breaks my heart. Naturally as a mom, your mom, I am not giving up. I'll never give up. I'll always be there for you.

So here we are on day 10 of this crazy rollercoaster ride and I'm hoping we are out of the worst of it. 

First days back at work after Ollie

First days back at work after Ollie

I'm trying to write to you guys more on the computer or on my phone. I've been writing by hand in journals but for some strange reason I find it harder. I keep thinking what would be the best platform to write, but as I keep thinking about it, time goes by and nothing gets written. So I figured I just start writing here NOW.

I went back to work yesterday. I thought it might be easier to leave my babies behind the second time, but it's not. It's excruciating. Like someone cut my arms off. I know it will be okay, and I know you guys are okay but still. I think you Noah are used to it and even though you cry a bit when we drop you off, I think you actually like being with other kids. You Oliver are so little still. It breaks my heart separating from you, as you seem so fragile. You have been spending 24/7 with me since birth so it's been very difficult to part. I count the minutes till I can pick you up and hold you.

Tomorrow you will be 3 months old:) and you are cuter than ever. You are always smiling...and smiling in a way that lights up an entire room. I hope you never lose this contagious smile.

I just need to say how much I love both of you! Sometimes it's so much love I side, that it's hard to even breathe. I just want to scream to the entire world how much I love you guys.

Noah you had a rough half an hour before going to bed. You had fun bathing but you hate brushing your teeth. I'm sorry you don't like it or if it's uncomfortable buddy, but we do it so you don't have any problems with your teeth later. Trust me it's worth to deal with problems later than simply brushing your teeth now. And it doesn't hurt. We could actually have fun with it. I hope you realize that soon. You started to cry because I didn't let you play with medication and Daddy's phone and when you get into these anxiety cries, you have a hard time stopping. I know how you just feel because I've always been the same. As I get older I learn more and more how to manage and control my overwhelming emotions but you are too little for that and you can't speak much yet so I'm sure it's super frustrating. But listen, you need to take deep breaths when this happens. Try to snuggle with something and breathe slowly and deeply. Look at mommy or daddy and I promise the wave will pass. You are an amazing little boy and I know you can do this. And never forget that no matter what happens, no matter what life brings, we are always here for you. Right now daddy means the world to you but I'm here. I always have been and I always will be no matter what.

I have to try to sleep now, I have to get up at 5 to get ready for work and feed and dress Ollie.
I love you guys.

- Mommy/Anya