Tuesday, February 27, 2018

A bit lost and lonely

A bit lost and lonely
This is not for you kiddos. This piece is really for me. I find that writing things down and out of my mind helps clarify things. I don't know if that's possible or not, but it's worth a shot. Daddy and I are hitting a rough patch I think. I say "I think" because it so damn hard to admit it. I know that some people say it's normal with two little kids to hit a low point in the marriage, but that's not easy to make peace with. After all, Daddy and I came before you guys even existed. We fell in love and made a commitment, a promise to each other. - That means something. I want you guys to know or learn that commitments matter. They must. even in this disconnected online kind of world, you make a promise/commitment, you keep your word. Be a man, and live up to it. Don't start finding excuses and explanations why you couldn't. We can all come up with an endless list of excuses believe me. That list is always longer than the reasons to hold on, cross our hearts and honor the commitment we made. It's just easier to come up with the "why nots" than the "why yes" list. Don't be like that. Honor your own words and commitments. You owe it to others as much as you owe it to yourself out of respect. If you lose that, you are nothing.

Anyway, we made a commitment, and i WANT TO believe that it means something and that we can both live up to it. Lately, it's been difficult to believe. I've felt like this for a long time now. At least since I was pregnant with Ollie. I feel that I matter less and less to Daddy. he is an amazing father, I couldn't ask for a better one for you guys. But he stopped seeing me. Maybe he stopped loving me, I don't know, I try not to believe that, but it's difficult.

I know we are both tired and stretch ourselves to the limits, but I feel that somehow I'm the last on his list. He rarely if ever looks at me when I talk to him. he says he is listening, but he is multitasking most of time while i try to talk to him. Either watching the TV, or his phone, or fixing something, or checking the mail or trying to pay bills, or whatever. There is always something, and I feel hurt. I think I deserve to be looked when i'm talking. I know it's impossible to do that all the time, it would be unrealistic knowing our busy lives, but sometimes would be nice. He rarely tries to make me smile (I actually can't remember the last time) and he never initiates any affection. No matter how I am aware of our crazy lives and how tired he must be, I can't accept this or justify it. I am living the same life. I am just as tired, just as busy. But I do look at him many times when he talks to me. I do try to be loving and caring and affectionate but when it feels like it's only me initiating for such a long time, it's too many disappointments, so I made myself do less and it just became normal. That's not okay.

We all deserve to be happy. i want nothing more than you guys to be happy and for Daddy to be happy but I would also like to be happy. You guys are my universe, but I miss Daddy. And I don't know what else to do or say to change the place where we are.

I don't know the solution and I don't want to waste time guessing right now (especially because i am at work and I should be working), so i will stop here. I just feel lonely and lost a bit.

Monday, February 5, 2018

Boldog Szulinapot (Happy Birthday) Ollie

Dear Ollie,
I couldn't decide whether to write this in Hungarian or English. I speak to you in Hungarian most of the time, but I am afraid, you may not learn it as well as I would like you to, so just to be safe, I am writing in English. Yesterday was your special day. You turned 1! That's a big deal little one, although every day is a big deal to me ever since you arrived. You are a blessing to all of us, a true gem in this world.

So of course, just as I predicted to started to walk before your birthday. I knew you would. You took a step here and there for the past 2 weeks, but truly you actually walked on January 27th, just as we came home from Noah's first soccer practice on Saturday, and by Sunday, you walked across the room, all by yourself. What an accomplishment. I can honestly say that we did not push you with this, so the credit is all yours! I will try to post a little video of your very first steps, but I will have to do that later from my phone.

You had a cookie monster cake that made you all blue! We had to actually bath you right after, my goodness! You are not a cake person, just like me, but you definitely made an effort to dig in and get it all over the place.

From the moment I saw you and the weekend we spent together in the hospital before going home, I am completely in love with you. You are so much like me, yet your personality reminds me of Daddy, which is probably why we are so good together. You are THE BEST cuddle-bug in the whole wide world. You love snuggling into me when I put you to sleep andin the morning when you wake up. I love how you quietly adore your brother, and let him take the lead, yet, you have your own mind, and don't let anyone push you around. You are so little, with such a big personality already! You love food, which make cooking an absolute delight! You won't understand this for a very long time, maybe never, but the girl you choose to have your own kids with will. Cooking isn't always fun when you have so much other tings to do, and it can be rather frustrating coming up with menus and then cooking them, while always trying to give nutritious food to your family. I never understood why my mom was upset when we didn't want to eat her food. What's the big deal if I didn't feel like it. Now i get it. Moms really cook from the heart. Not just the actual stirring of meals, but from thinking of the what and how, to getting the ingredients, to standing on our foot, instead of sitting down and resting, just so our family can have a home cooked, nutritious meal. it sucks when someone doesn't want to eat it, I'm not going to lie. You are by far the biggest fan of my cooking and I LOVE THAT!

Anyway, I am rambling I know, but one day i think you will appreciate the words I write down here, so you can understand my perspective when you are wondering with your own little ones.

I also have to mention that your hair is spectacular! I know that sound superficial, but i'm sorr,y it's just so soft and lush!

I love that you have the biggest smile when you see Daddy. Yes, Daddy is the fun one! I try to be as well, but I'm not like Daddy. I am just constantly in awe of both of you. I love that you worship the ground Noah walks on, you try to play with him and learn from him, and tease him whenever you get a chance.

I love your big brown eyes that can't hide a thing. I swear i can read your soul when i look into your eyes...

Anyway, Happy birthday little Csili Csalamade. We all love you so very much, you complete our family. Promise me one thing: You will always keep on smiling. Your smile is the best cure for anything!!

Love,

Mommy/Anya