Thank you 2020

Thank you 2020

And here we are...everyone salutes to 2021, welcoming the new year, and waving bye to the “sucky” year behind us as they say. 

But truth to be told, I said 2020 will be a good year when we started and now on the last day, hours before we enter 2021, I must say it was indeed a good year. 

Yes, there was fear and distance and lots of worry and anxiety. But there was also so much time as a family, so many precious moments with the boys, no wasted hours with commute, working in the comfort of our home, mornings together every day, the smiles, the laughter, the cuddles, the kisses, the hugs. So much was so good that I’m afraid to say good bye to it. So here is to a fantastic 2021, one that takes all the good from 2020 but takes away the fear of losing loved ones and the anxiety with our health. Here is to remaining strong to maintain what we gained this year, rather than trying to move on and forget. Here is to learn, recognize and savor all the good that 2020 brought us. Yes, the lesson was hard, but it had to be. We were all so caught up in the culture of “more is better” that we couldn’t even see what we have, let alone appreciate it. So here is to take what we got, recognize the blessings and holding onto them, and of course here is to finding a new way to a healthy happy life together, with love and care for ourselves and each other. Here is to people, rather than things; here is to slowing down rather than speeding up; here is to appreciating “what is” rather than “what isn’t”. So thank you 2020, welcome 2021! 

To Our 10 Year Anniversary

To Our 10 Year Anniversary

Wishing that that next ten days, ten months, ten years will bring happiness to both of us.

May our energy shift into joy
May we find the good in each other
May we appreciate “what is” instead of craving/missing “what is not”
May we smile again
May we see and assume the best in each other and in ourselves

May we ease the worst
May we shift our attention to each other
May we we both feel understood

May we find time look at each other
May our hearts find love
May we practice kindness every day - especially towards each other
May we find joy in giving rather than taking and 

May we appreciate what we each bring to our family
May we find a way to not let go

May we find the way back to each other
I miss us.

May this be a milestone for a new start rather than a celebration of what’s in the past.
A new opportunity to show the good so we can let go of the bad (both within ourselves and in each other).

Lets say "hello" to TODAY and NOW.
Lets try to live in the moment and make each day count
Let’s be there for each other EVERY day
Let’s make time and space for US and build everything around it
Let's not dwell on the past or long for the future - just be - here and now.

It’s ain’t over till it's over! Cheers to 10!

Mommy's book list

 My Book list 

These books made a difference at some point in my life. Some touched me, some comforted me, some made me laugh, some made me cry. One way or another they all moved me.

These are books that I encourage you to read at some point, but there will be some I will mark with a * that I am asking you to read (maybe even more than once in different stages of your lives). 

1. Quo Vadis - Henrick Sienkiewicz 
2. In Desert and Wilderness - Henrick Sienkiewicz
3. Bogancs - Fekete Istvan
4. Tuskevar - Fekete Istvan
5. Egri Csillagok - Gardonyi Geza
6. Becoming - Michelle Obama
7. Maybe You Should Talk To Someone - Lori Goettlieb *
8. The Choice - Dr. Edit Eva Eger

What books mean to me

Why I love books? They hold an entire world within them. Each and every one of them takes me elsewhere, or helps me feel grounded. They can reveal a new and fresh perspective, bring up memories, provide clarity or sympathy, take me on an adventure or simply make me feel. Books are magical. Well, good books are at least. 

Noah, and Ollie, - I hope you will love and appreciate books as much as I do. I hope you find their magic and I hope they will give you the same comfort they give me. 

It's okay to like different books. We are all different. Our thoughts, feelings, memories are unique to us and no one else. Be open to suggestions and try out different genre but never be afraid to reach for the one that works for you. 

I have a plan. I am going to start a book list for you guys. Books I read and loved for one way or another. Maybe one day this list will be a good start for you guys. Maybe some you will love, some you will like, some you will appreciate and maybe some just won't make your cut. Nevertheless, these books are pieces that has made a difference in my life. Some I read when I was a child, some as a grown up and some I read more than once. Interestingly, each time it gave me something else. Our world is constantly changing. Our memories can fade and come alive again, they can take on new meaning and therefore books can have a whole new affect on us if we read them in different stages of our lives. Try reading a sad book when you are going through something rough and then try it again when you find yourself in a good state of mind. You will see, it will take on a whole new meaning. 

I will save my book list in a separate document and I will keep adding to it as I read more or think of more. Many of my favorites are in Hungarian - I still hope you guys will learn my language. Best thing to do is read books in the language they were written in. No matter how well it was translated, it is just not the same. 

If you find yourself having a hard time reading a book, remember there are audio books. Those didn't exist when I was growing up but they do now and while I thought I wouldn't appreciate them much (I like imagining voices in my head rather than someone taking over), some of them are quiet good and some of them I actually like more as an audio book - especially the ones that are read by the author. 

I hope my book list will expand by books that you guys will tell me about and I hope we can all share our thoughts about them. 

Love you both to the moon and back. 

Mommy/Anya

Happy Birthday Kicsi Lego

My Dearest Kicsi Lego,

You have turned 5 years old - my goodness, time flies. People tell you this all the time when you become a parent, but nothing seems real until you experience it. I am trying to savor every day, every moment with you but time is going so fast. 

When you were born, we gave you the nickname Kicsi Lego (based on a funny song in Hungary) - ironically, your birthday theme for your 5th birthday was LEGOS. You just LOVE LOVE LOVE LEGOS. You got legos from every single person who gave you something (except maybe a couple of daycare friends). And you wanted to put together all of them on one day:) We still need to work on your patience I think - but I understand you were just so excited. 

Unfortunately the COVID pandemic put a halt to in person birthday parties for a while. This would have been your first party with friends and I felt so bad not being able to do one - and we are not even traveling to Spain as planed. So I organized a drive by birthday for you and my goodness, it was fantastic! About 12 cars came, your friends, Kace, Nolan, Jaxon, Ava, Willa, Jayden, Felix, Natasha, Teni and Jore, Carolyn, etc. We put the pirate ship slide up on our yard near the road where you stood with Olie next to your balloons! Everyone sang, yelled Happy Birthday, honked, and smiled and passed some gifts out their windows. You were adamant that you want to give goodie bags to your friends, so we did that too!

It was so much fun, Ollie wants the same now - I am so glad it turned out like this - your face just lit up - you couldn't believe how many friends came to wish you a Happy Birthday. 

Anyway, you are 5 years old. You are still mama's boy and you love cuddling. You are sensitive and loving (although you are starting to get tougher on Ollie) and you love your family to the moon and back. I love that about you. You have a special talent for building things. You love chess and legos and you are so good at figuring things out (like opening baby gates). You are as observant as you were from the get go and even though you often look like you don't pay attention you actually do. 

Every day I look at you and I think how lucky I am to be your Mommy. You have been through so much with your health but take every step as a trooper. You are a loving brother to Ollie and an amazing friend to me. You LOVE Daddy but often you don't take him seriously. I know he is different explaining things than me, but you know that can often be a good thing. Nevertheless he is your Daddy and he would do anything for you - so you must respect him and listen. He has good ideas and good input - he just has a loud way of expressing it and he has a tendency not to follow through. But I can tell you one thing: He has a hard time committing and following through but once he sets his mind to it, there is no stopping DADDY. So don't think that just because he repeats things a lot or just because he doesn't explain things the way I do, he isn't here for you the same way! He is your biggest fan - so take everything he has to offer - you couldn't wish for a better Daddy:) 

One of my favorite things about you is your love for Ollie. You are getting tougher with him maybe because he is growing and you feel less protective and more competitive with him. But at the end of the day - you adore him and you are there for him and I admire that about you. 

So, Kicsi Lego - I wish you the Happiest of Birthdays and many many many more! I hope I will organize and other drive by for your 50th birthday:) You are my heart from the day you were born. You are in my mind every day every second. Keep being you, keep smiling, keep believing in yourself and just know that Mommy, Daddy and Ollie love you through and through. 

- Mommy

Good Night Ollie - June 2020

Good Night Ollie - June 2020

Dear Ollie,
I’m lying in your bed while you are about to sleep in your crib. You watched a couple of Bogyo and Babóca and then handed over the phone and told me you are ready to go to your crib. We put your little cushy bunny in the little hanging container on your crib and covered him with a little blanket. We put a tiny bear next to him. You turned your projectors on, hugged your Maci, rainbow monkey and puppy and my arm. You told me you love me, and my heart melted. You are 3 years and 4 months old but you still love sleeping in your crib and you still wear a pull up diaper which makes me feel like I still have a baby. I know these are the last moments of your babyhood and it’s so hard to let go. Time is traveling too fast and I’m trying to savor not only the new “firsts” but also the last of each precious stage. The last diaper, the last night in a crib, the last Bogyo es Babóca. I love you my little Ollie. Always and forever. You are a unique little boy. Determined and brave. Loving and charming. You are only 3 but already Street smart. You seem to know what you want and always go for it , never asking for forgiveness. I admire your confidence and instincts - they will take you far. Your big brother takes care of you but deep down I know you take care of him just as much. You guys got an eternal friend in each other. Never forget that. He is your biggest fan. And you are his rock.

Love
Mommy

Ps: I love that you understand so much Hungarian. I hope you will take your determination one day to really learn it.

Should I stay or should I go?

Should I stay or should I go?

How does one decide to stay in a marriage or not? Is doing it for "the kids sake" the right thing to do?
What if I'm unhappy. What if I don't see a way to be happy next to the person I'm with?
I don't believe that it is the other person's responsibility to make us happy. But I do think it's their responsibility to help and support. To allow us to be happy the way we can be happy. To care about our feelings and consider our perspectives. I do think we should feel that we matter in a relationship. or what's the point of being in it?
I do believe that while there is plenty of men and women out there, if we don't feel special in a relationship, it's not worth it. I don't want to feel like I'm A woman in my partner's life. I want to feel that I am THE woman. The special one to them. Not only do I not feel special right now, I feel like no one. Unseen. Unfelt. Misunderstood. Mistreated. Unworthy for love.

Maybe the right question is can I stay? Rather than, 'SHOULD" I stay...
How long can I devote my life to a man who is incapable of seeing me, understanding me. Who doesn't appreciate what I do and who I am. Who doesn't respect me as a wife or as a mother?