One week of hell

One week of hell

Well...it all started 9 days ago. It's Wednesday, may 17, 2017 today. Last Sunday night, my baby Noah got the groups really bad. You had trouble breathing, so we gave the emergency steroid, put you in a steamy bathroom, then cold air to help. It was scary. On Monday I stayed home with you to make sure you are okay and promised work that I'll be in Wednesday or Friday to make up for it (I work from home on those days). Tuesday we all went to work and daycare but in the afternoon they called us to say you can open your right eye and it might be pink eye, which means no daycare for at least 24 hours. So we took you back to the doctor, where the confirmed its pink eye and you got an antibiotic ointment. My poor thing, how on earth you got pink eye on top of croup?:( I stayed home with you on Wednesday again. This was unbearable I'm not going to lie to you. We scheduled the siding people at our house for last week, thinking we won't be home much anyway - it's a lot of banging all day long 7am-7pm. But this was the third day home, and of course since daddy was outside, you wanted nothing to do with me. Just daddy daddy daddy. Eventually I took you out but then daddy said it's not a good idea because of all the nails...so what was I supposed to do. And in he meantime I was supposed to work. Anyway, i gave up by noon and decided to just play with Gu:) we had fun but I could tell something was not right with you. Sure enough by the evening you had high fever. We called the doctor and they said it probably just the croup and pink eye virus running their course, so we can just give Tylenol. By the morning your fever was 102 so we called the doctor again. I took you in but they didn't say anything wrong, so we were sent home thinking it's just a nasty virus and we need to alternate Tylenol and Motrin every 2-3 hours to keep the fever down. But it kept rising and by Friday night you were delirious from the fever. We took you to the doctor again and asked them to run every possible test. I said I don't care what they think if it, I want you to get tested. Thank god i was adement. As unlikely as it is under age 2, you got strep!!! My goodness. Strep is brutal even for an adult let alone Gu my sweet baby. It was unbearable to watch you in that much pain and fever and not know why or how we can help more. You didn't eat for three days, and mostly you just slept or tried to drink water or was loaded with meds. I hated it. I love you so much, like you are a part of me that when you hurt I hurt. I know you are daddy's boy and you only want him, but just know (one day you will with your own child) that doesn't make my love any less for you. The worry for your child is truly excruciating. 

Needless to say I didn't go to work all week. I felt horrible about as I just got back after three months of maternity leave. But there was no way I'm leaving you Nehemiah you are that sick. You might want to be with daddy only but mommy is mommy and I swear no one knows you as much as I do. That is why I knew to ask for tests. I knew it's not a virus. I just knew.

Of course Mother's Day weekend was still filled with the illness. By Saturday night Ollie developed a bad cough so we had to take him too. He has no fever so not much they can do. Monday you both went to school but we got the inevitable call in the pm that Ollie has the pink eye. So there I was rushing out of work, telling my boss I can't go in next day either. So I spent yesterday with Ollie at home. Thank goodness that you Noah feeling better although strangely you are still not yourself. You wake in the middle of the night screaming bloody murder and you have a very bad, unusually bad temper. I don't know how to jelly up. I want to but I'm lost.

Some say it's because of the week long fever and pain and illness. Some says it's because you realized Ollie is here to stay. Some say it's just the age. I don't know. I want to be there for you and help you but you do t really let me and it breaks my heart. Naturally as a mom, your mom, I am not giving up. I'll never give up. I'll always be there for you.

So here we are on day 10 of this crazy rollercoaster ride and I'm hoping we are out of the worst of it. 

First days back at work after Ollie

First days back at work after Ollie

I'm trying to write to you guys more on the computer or on my phone. I've been writing by hand in journals but for some strange reason I find it harder. I keep thinking what would be the best platform to write, but as I keep thinking about it, time goes by and nothing gets written. So I figured I just start writing here NOW.

I went back to work yesterday. I thought it might be easier to leave my babies behind the second time, but it's not. It's excruciating. Like someone cut my arms off. I know it will be okay, and I know you guys are okay but still. I think you Noah are used to it and even though you cry a bit when we drop you off, I think you actually like being with other kids. You Oliver are so little still. It breaks my heart separating from you, as you seem so fragile. You have been spending 24/7 with me since birth so it's been very difficult to part. I count the minutes till I can pick you up and hold you.

Tomorrow you will be 3 months old:) and you are cuter than ever. You are always smiling...and smiling in a way that lights up an entire room. I hope you never lose this contagious smile.

I just need to say how much I love both of you! Sometimes it's so much love I side, that it's hard to even breathe. I just want to scream to the entire world how much I love you guys.

Noah you had a rough half an hour before going to bed. You had fun bathing but you hate brushing your teeth. I'm sorry you don't like it or if it's uncomfortable buddy, but we do it so you don't have any problems with your teeth later. Trust me it's worth to deal with problems later than simply brushing your teeth now. And it doesn't hurt. We could actually have fun with it. I hope you realize that soon. You started to cry because I didn't let you play with medication and Daddy's phone and when you get into these anxiety cries, you have a hard time stopping. I know how you just feel because I've always been the same. As I get older I learn more and more how to manage and control my overwhelming emotions but you are too little for that and you can't speak much yet so I'm sure it's super frustrating. But listen, you need to take deep breaths when this happens. Try to snuggle with something and breathe slowly and deeply. Look at mommy or daddy and I promise the wave will pass. You are an amazing little boy and I know you can do this. And never forget that no matter what happens, no matter what life brings, we are always here for you. Right now daddy means the world to you but I'm here. I always have been and I always will be no matter what.

I have to try to sleep now, I have to get up at 5 to get ready for work and feed and dress Ollie.
I love you guys.

- Mommy/Anya

To My Baby...My First Thoughts

To My Baby...My First Thoughts

It's only been two weeks since I learned about you. You are barely more than the size of a lentil, earning you the name your father is so proudly using: "Kicsi Lencse". It has not been an easy couple of weeks as I'm struggling through constant morning sickness and exhaustion - a lousy, achy, nauseous feeling - I've never experienced before. Your father has been wonderful taking care of me, or I should say taking care of "Us" which just tells me that he will be a wonderful Daddy to you. Of course, like every other child that has ever met him, you are going to think he is the coolest. And he probably is:)

I have a hard time feeling so sick nonstop. No one ever told me that morning sickness isn't just in the morning. They really need to find a different name for it, unless it's an intentional mislead of anxious "wanna be moms". I am well aware that every pregnancy is different, but I still would have preferred a heads up. Everything I've read tells me that none of what I feel is uncommon or unusual as my body is making your little nest for the next 8 months. But it's not easy.

I have been going to work every day pretending that everything is normal, while I can barely drag myself through my three and a half hour commute each day, let alone trying to focus on work while feeling like I'm going to pass out. My entire body and head feels like a truck run over me and I could fall asleep any minute even while I'm standing.

Nobody knows about you yet except your Daddy and now my parents (your grandparents), which I have to say have been incredibly difficult. We have been waiting for you for a long time and we want to make sure that you don't change your mind before we tell the world. You won't change your mind, right? 

Waiting for your arrival is incredible and scary at the same time. You will change every aspect of our lives, and we have no idea what to expect. At the same time, you are already part of us and our lives in a way that is hard to describe. You determine what I eat and drink, when I sleep, how I feel, everything. I wish I could see your tiny face already. I wish I could feel your little fingers wrap around mine, so that I knew you were real. Don't get me wrong, the constant sickness is definitely confirming that you are real, but it's different.

I've decided to write about you and I as we go through this journey together. I hope you don't mind. Most likely I will also post tons of pictures of you when you arrive; while I know that there will be a day when you will demand your privacy and will want to post your own stuff online - as your Daddy says it "on the line". And that's okay, as long as you let me be your online "friend".

We will go to the doctor tomorrow morning for check up. I will write more after...  

12/10/2014

My Experience As An Eagle

My Eagle Experience

I have no intention to give advice, preach or tell anyone how to go about their own experience. I think that would be presumptuous. I simply felt like writing about my own experience. I might share it if I feel like it may help, motivate or guide others, but truthfully, that is not up to me anyway. It is up to them.

Being a college athlete in America is a unique experience - very different than in any other country. Being an athlete at an institution like Boston College is a privilege…an opportunity of a lifetime. Unfortunately, what I see is that not everyone appreciates it the way they should; therefore undermining not only their own experience but possibly that of others sharing it with them or following their footsteps.

I played 4 years on the women’s tennis team, graduating in 2006. During this time, I got a world-class education – for free, met amazing friends – for a lifetime, played the sport I loved - or at the very least, respected, and felt like a “star”. Not the kind that gives autographs; but rather, a “lucky star”.

See, feeling confident while being grateful is very different than feeling entitled while being arrogant. I see too many high school athletes getting into colleges, making it on the team in whatever sport they play, and acting like celebrities. They walk around like they have already put something down on the table, like they own the place, like they are better than others. And that is one of the biggest mistake they can make.

I am all for being proud to be a student athlete, and using past achievements as a source of motivation and stepping stone for future success. But I don’t care how good you are or were in high school. I don’t care how many games, tournaments or matches you won in your career. I don’t care how many colleges fought for you. I don’t care if your plan is to go on tour and I don’t care if you make it there one day. If you cannot remain true to yourself, if you cannot feel gratitude towards the sport, the fans, the institution that has given you such an opportunity and most of all if you cannot respect your teammates and your coach, you failed. It is that simple.

An athlete isn’t an athlete just because she pushes her limits, challenges herself, trains and sweats, wins or loses. An athlete is an athlete when she knows how to win respectfully, how to lose and get back up gracefully, how to support her team, how to be part of a team, how to respect herself and others, and how to be grateful.

And this is what our team knew how to do. We didn’t achieve what we achieved because of our tennis skills. We succeeded because we were a team - including Coach. It didn’t matter who was the best, and it didn’t matter who wasn’t. Just like it didn’t matter whether we thought Coach was a good coach or not. What mattered was that we were all in the same boat - together.

We shared the same experience, showed up for the same practices, lived in the same dorms, traveled to the same trips, competed against the same teams and we all took responsibility for our part. Some of us were motivators, some of us took the role of the “mother hen”, some of us were fighters, some of us were supporters or cheerleaders, some of us were leaders, and some of us were followers. It didn’t matter. We all took or fell into a role, and gave it our 100%. And this is what made us winners in the sense that I want to be a winner. To me, winning isn’t just about winning a match or being no. 1, or no. 3 or number whatever on a team that I belong to no matter what. It is about a way of life that is so much bigger and so much more sustainable than any single win on the court.

So if I can take the liberty to give any advice to any student athlete is start thinking as “We” instead of “I and always, I mean ALWAYS, give your best effort. No one can ask you to give more than that, but no one, especially not you, should ever think to expect less of you than giving your best. Only you know how to do that, and only you know when you are really giving it. It is your basic obligation to stay true to yourself.

If you can master these things – both on and off the court, you are golden. You will not only be a great athlete, but also a great person, a great friend, a great role model or inspiration, and a great protagonist of your life. Who wouldn’t want that?

The Meaning of Networking

Networking or working the net?

“Networking is a powerful tool.” I bet you heard this statement hundreds of times before. But have you ever given it a second thought? Have you ever taken the time to think about it and ask yourself:

A tool for what? Where can we get it? Can we buy it, order it or download it? How do we use it? Does it have an App? Does it have an instruction manual?

Well, here are my two cents:

I would like to call networking a skill rather than a tool. You can’t buy it, download it, or order it. But you can learn it, improve it and leverage it. And you know what you can do? You are going to love this one: You can customize it.

You can build your very own networking skills and ultimately your very own network. You can customize it to your needs, lifestyle and personality. How cool is that? Now, of course it doesn’t come instantly, nor it is packed in a box like when you build your very own Nike shoes online.

But oh boy, are the results worth it! The gratification is endless. Can you imagine? Something of your own that is personalized just to accommodate your desires, satisfy your needs and help achieve your very own goals! And on top of it, it’s timeless!

But the truth is it’s not an easy thing to practice effectively; at least, not for all of us. Yes, some people have natural networking skills, but many if not most of us have to learn. This jib-jab is for those in the latter category.

 

Let me give you a hint. It is not just about “working the net”. Yep, you heard it. If you want to get the real thing, the one that is customized and one of a kind, and hold endless opportunities, you must learn to put your computer, iPhone, iPad, smartphone, Facebook, Twitter, Snap-Chat, and other trendy electronic and online “tools” on hold once in a while and join the real world.   

Don’t get me wrong, those “tools” mentioned above can also serve your cause, and nowadays it is indeed a valuable part of networking. I am simply saying that solely working the net alone isn’t what will get you true friends, a helping hand when you really need it, the honest feedback that makes you reach for your goals and beyond, the job offer you really want, or the wonder of human connections we all strive for in life.     

The networking I’m talking about, the one I recommend to everyone, is about building meaningful relationships, mutually sharing your thoughts and ideas, opening up and letting people in, letting them see who you are and being open to see who they are.

This is about much more than following, linking, tagging, tweeting, liking, googling, cyber-chatting, or photo-sharing. After all, how many times did someone invite you to their house only because you “liked” their postings, or re-tweeted their tweet? Or when was the last time someone helped you out or offered you a job because you are of their 1,387 followers or because you are following one of their followers?

I bet your answer doesn’t  include “all the time” or “many” or “last week”. If you are only willing to reach out to someone through your apps, and if you can’t hold a conversation without glancing at your phone every five minutes, why would anyone bother giving you more attention? And let’s be honest. Some of you probably tweet while you are posting something on Facebook, while you are eating dinner alone or with some remaining friends who are also snap-chatting with someone who isn’t even their friends.  And on and on it goes.

I regret to inform you that these relationships of yours that take 89% of your time if not more will mean about 0.089% long term. If you are content with that, please, be my guest and keep tweeting and linking and liking. Oh, and be sure never to give undivided attention to anyone including yourself.  

But if you would like to join those of us who still give a dang, allow me to tell you how the real deal works, at least on my experience:

It is about shaking hands, looking into other people’s eyes, listening to what they really have to say, and remembering most of it. It is about following up and saying thank you, taking and giving feedback face to face, learning about one another and building a solid foundation for ongoing relationships…ones both parties can count on. But what does this all mean?

It means putting yourself out there and risking being vulnerable rather than hiding behind various apps and devices. It means opening up your mind and heart and trusting that people will “handle it with care”.

But most of all, it means responsibility. You must own up to your part of these relationships, and you must nurture them. When it’s real, when it’s standing in front of you and staring you in the face, you can’t just unlink, delete or ignore without consequences. You must practice patience, empathy, care and most of all, respect.

Again, I’m not saying ignore the online aspect of social networking. In fact, just the opposite. Social media platforms can help reconnect, reunite, reignite old connections, initiate new ones, and keeping in touch with people all over the world. Being active on these channels can certainly play for your advantage, if you do it with purpose and if it complements the face-to-face interactions. Be aware of the benefits, as well as the challenges and limitations and use them wisely. Know that they cannot replace the power of real-life interactions, connections, and relationships. And lastly, don’t ever confuse “working the net” with the power of real networking. 

More to come...

8/27/2013

About human independency…or should I say disconnection

About human independency…or should I say disconnection

Is there anyone who knows your darkest secrets? Anyone who knows all of you? Where did the honest bond between humans disappear?

Allowing another being to know everything about you, your full story with its angles and demons, is simply liberating. It brings relief, a sense of belonging and freedom. It frees the soul and allows it to shed that sense of loneliness that so often weighs on our shoulders. It makes one feel loved not for a sole characteristic and quality, but for one’s true self. Yes, it comes with a sense of vulnerability, a feeling that is perceived so frightening for most.

Hiding our dark side and putting on a face that is attractive for others have become a kind of safety provider. We think we can build a wall around us, and crouch behind it at all times. Sadly, we often succeed. At least for a while that is. But this kind of safety is just an illusion that has the ability to seem so real, we become addicted to it, not ever realizing that it is unattainable. Without an all-honest bond with another soul, we can never be safe, because we can never be loved and accepted for who we are. Hell, we can never even be known. We build this imaginary wall every day. It’s in every movement, every act, every little gesture and behavior. It is an exhausting and never ending task for something that will never bring happiness.

I don’t see safety in hiding who I am. I don’t see the protection behind the mask.

I see my freedom and my security in the connection I have with those who know me with all my merits and flaws, and still accept me and love me. Sharing something I am not proud of with someone whose feelings and thoughts are important to me is scary, but the feeling of approval, acceptance and non-judgmental love is worth every bit of the effort to overcome that fear.

I don’t understand the modern concept of seeing independence as a key attraction factor. Where did the beauty of mutual dependency between two human beings disappear? Where and when did someone decide that it is a sign of weakness? Where did vulnerability become so terrifying for most if not all of us? Close your eyes. Look deep inside your soul. Do you really feel so strong and safe in your illusion of independence?  Have you mastered it to the point where allowing another human so close where you feel completely and utterly vulnerable is not only impossible but something despicable? Have you forgotten that at some point you were so close and attached to another that you couldn’t exist outside of their womb? Have you forgotten those years of childhood years and moments where you knew that depending and relying on others are not only accepted, but appreciated and returned?

I am not questioning the difficulty of allowing another close, to trust them with our secrets, to show them our weaknesses, to be seen imperfect. I am questioning the cost of it. I am questioning the reason behind it and the motivation to withdraw. I am questioning the determination of remaining so independent that we are willing to risk to live a life with our story alone….without sharing the full story with at least one person or making an effort to witness that of another. I am questioning if this independent and delusional safety mask we hide behind is worth the disconnection we create. I am questioning who will be remembered by the level of independence and disconnection they managed to maintain, rather than the depth of bonds and connections they build with others.

1/14/2011

Why I write?

Why I Write?

I always loved to write. I made many attempts to write something, but so far the only loyal audience I’ve had is your truly. I’ve often dreamed about becoming an accomplished writer one day, but there is a pretty big chance that I never will be. Nevertheless, during the years, I came to realize that my writing isn’t about pleasing potential readers. It isn’t about my writing to be read. Not at all. It is simply about the act of writing that not only pleases me, but also offers a strange kind of relief when life gets a bit…how should I put it? Interesting...hectic...overwhelming? You pick.

So here I am writing for the sake of writing, for the sake of maintaining my own sanity in this insanely chaotic yet so lovely world, with the hope that maybe some of this scribble might bring a smile to someone. Ultimately that is the only reason to share anything with others after all, isn’t it? To make them feel understood and to let them know they are not alone. Because I believe none of us are. We just lost a sense of belonging somewhere along the way. But more about this later maybe...

I don't have specific goals about how many times to write, or what topics to write about. I simply want to write whenever I feel like, and share it whenever and however I feel like, and about whatever I feel like. Is that wrong? I will not write things I think you may want to read, nor will I write anything others think I should write about. I will write about life and with that I said it all. Remember Forrest Gump? Life is a box of chocolate, you never know what you get. So is my writing, you never know what you might read. So don't have expectations, don't judge the writing or the content, don't look for anything. Just read, enjoy whatever you may read, let me write, and most of all, bear with me...if none of these work for you, feel free not to read any of it. This isn't about pleasing you by what I write. It is simply about sharing what I have.