A bit lost and lonely

A bit lost and lonely

This is not for you kiddos. This piece is really for me. I find that writing things down and out of my mind helps clarify things. I don't know if that's possible or not, but it's worth a shot. Daddy and I are hitting a rough patch I think. I say "I think" because it so damn hard to admit it. I know that some people say it's normal with two little kids to hit a low point in the marriage, but that's not easy to make peace with. After all, Daddy and I came before you guys even existed. We fell in love and made a commitment, a promise to each other. - That means something. I want you guys to know or learn that commitments matter. They must. even in this disconnected online kind of world, you make a promise/commitment, you keep your word. Be a man, and live up to it. Don't start finding excuses and explanations why you couldn't. We can all come up with an endless list of excuses believe me. That list is always longer than the reasons to hold on, cross our hearts and honor the commitment we made. It's just easier to come up with the "why nots" than the "why yes" list. Don't be like that. Honor your own words and commitments. You owe it to others as much as you owe it to yourself out of respect. If you lose that, you are nothing.

Anyway, we made a commitment, and i WANT TO believe that it means something and that we can both live up to it. Lately, it's been difficult to believe. I've felt like this for a long time now. At least since I was pregnant with Ollie. I feel that I matter less and less to Daddy. he is an amazing father, I couldn't ask for a better one for you guys. But he stopped seeing me. Maybe he stopped loving me, I don't know, I try not to believe that, but it's difficult.

I know we are both tired and stretch ourselves to the limits, but I feel that somehow I'm the last on his list. He rarely if ever looks at me when I talk to him. he says he is listening, but he is multitasking most of time while i try to talk to him. Either watching the TV, or his phone, or fixing something, or checking the mail or trying to pay bills, or whatever. There is always something, and I feel hurt. I think I deserve to be looked when i'm talking. I know it's impossible to do that all the time, it would be unrealistic knowing our busy lives, but sometimes would be nice. He rarely tries to make me smile (I actually can't remember the last time) and he never initiates any affection. No matter how I am aware of our crazy lives and how tired he must be, I can't accept this or justify it. I am living the same life. I am just as tired, just as busy. But I do look at him many times when he talks to me. I do try to be loving and caring and affectionate but when it feels like it's only me initiating for such a long time, it's too many disappointments, so I made myself do less and it just became normal. That's not okay.

We all deserve to be happy. i want nothing more than you guys to be happy and for Daddy to be happy but I would also like to be happy. You guys are my universe, but I miss Daddy. And I don't know what else to do or say to change the place where we are.

I don't know the solution and I don't want to waste time guessing right now (especially because i am at work and I should be working), so i will stop here. I just feel lonely and lost a bit.

Boldog Szulinapot (Happy Birthday) Ollie

Dear Ollie,
I couldn't decide whether to write this in Hungarian or English. I speak to you in Hungarian most of the time, but I am afraid, you may not learn it as well as I would like you to, so just to be safe, I am writing in English. Yesterday was your special day. You turned 1! That's a big deal little one, although every day is a big deal to me ever since you arrived. You are a blessing to all of us, a true gem in this world.

So of course, just as I predicted to started to walk before your birthday. I knew you would. You took a step here and there for the past 2 weeks, but truly you actually walked on January 27th, just as we came home from Noah's first soccer practice on Saturday, and by Sunday, you walked across the room, all by yourself. What an accomplishment. I can honestly say that we did not push you with this, so the credit is all yours! I will try to post a little video of your very first steps, but I will have to do that later from my phone.

You had a cookie monster cake that made you all blue! We had to actually bath you right after, my goodness! You are not a cake person, just like me, but you definitely made an effort to dig in and get it all over the place.

From the moment I saw you and the weekend we spent together in the hospital before going home, I am completely in love with you. You are so much like me, yet your personality reminds me of Daddy, which is probably why we are so good together. You are THE BEST cuddle-bug in the whole wide world. You love snuggling into me when I put you to sleep andin the morning when you wake up. I love how you quietly adore your brother, and let him take the lead, yet, you have your own mind, and don't let anyone push you around. You are so little, with such a big personality already! You love food, which make cooking an absolute delight! You won't understand this for a very long time, maybe never, but the girl you choose to have your own kids with will. Cooking isn't always fun when you have so much other tings to do, and it can be rather frustrating coming up with menus and then cooking them, while always trying to give nutritious food to your family. I never understood why my mom was upset when we didn't want to eat her food. What's the big deal if I didn't feel like it. Now i get it. Moms really cook from the heart. Not just the actual stirring of meals, but from thinking of the what and how, to getting the ingredients, to standing on our foot, instead of sitting down and resting, just so our family can have a home cooked, nutritious meal. it sucks when someone doesn't want to eat it, I'm not going to lie. You are by far the biggest fan of my cooking and I LOVE THAT!

Anyway, I am rambling I know, but one day i think you will appreciate the words I write down here, so you can understand my perspective when you are wondering with your own little ones.

I also have to mention that your hair is spectacular! I know that sound superficial, but i'm sorr,y it's just so soft and lush!

I love that you have the biggest smile when you see Daddy. Yes, Daddy is the fun one! I try to be as well, but I'm not like Daddy. I am just constantly in awe of both of you. I love that you worship the ground Noah walks on, you try to play with him and learn from him, and tease him whenever you get a chance.

I love your big brown eyes that can't hide a thing. I swear i can read your soul when i look into your eyes...

Anyway, Happy birthday little Csili Csalamade. We all love you so very much, you complete our family. Promise me one thing: You will always keep on smiling. Your smile is the best cure for anything!!

Love,

Mommy/Anya

Unexpected pause

Dear Noah and Ollie,

It's been a while since I wrote to you. Once again, days fly by so fast and I never have time for everything. But today the universe gave me an unexpected pause. My computer crashed at work so I am sitting here unable to do anything productive; hence I decided it's the perfect opportunity to write to you guys. It's December 14th, 2017, almost Christmas. First Christmas with both of you, although technically last year Ollie was already there in my belly. I'm very excited about the holidays this year for many reasons. One, I will have some time with your father alone, to reconnect and have some fun on our own - not that it's not fun with you guys every day, but there are too many days, weeks, months going by without your father and I talking to each other like we used to. Things are too busy and we are both focusing on you two - probably because you guys are just so damn cute. One day you guys will know how life is with your own babies, and you will understand the reason for not writing more often.

Anyway, Noah you are almost 2.5 years old and just sooooo entertaining, it's hard to describe. You are sweet and caring and just adorable. Also incredibly energetic, active and smart as a whip. So many times I know you are playing us to get what you want, but i just can't resist. You are learning to speak so fast, it's hard to keep up. And you do understand a lot of Spanish and some Hungarian (I hope you will understand more of that soon). You love your new school, and your teachers and you already charmed yourself into their hearts. I don't know how you do it, you got that from daddy. You are now potty training and you are doing so well, we are so proud. You still have some ways to go, especially with pooping in the toilet, but you will get there in no time. You are fearless, and stubborn, so once you decide you are ready, there will be no stop.

Ollie, you are just a sweet pea. You love to cuddle (sleep in my big bed) and you follow me everywhere with your eyes, I love that! You are crawling super fast and now stand up more and more with the help of some furniture. You could be walking in no time, although you are so efficient crawling that i wonder if you will just take your time. It's fine by me if you do! No rush. Your brother loves you and you obviously adore him. I can't tell you guys how happy that makes me and Daddy. I can already tell that you guys will be different but inseparable.

No you are a fireball, but with an incredibly deep sense of empathy. You like to misbehave to test boundaries, but when someone seems to get hurt, you are the first one to help. I love that about you. You are only two years old but I already look to you sometimes when i need some uplifting - I don't want that to become a burden though, so I am careful.

Ollie, you are just an abundance of love. You are smart as whip but in a quieter way, which will get you far in this life. You are patient (unless you are hungry) and you adapt very well to any situation. You are willing to back off, but you know what you want, and you go for it. All of these are commendable characteristics and I hope you will hold onto them.

I have to go now to pick you guys up, I can't wait!!! I will write more soon! In the meantime, I am posting a recent picture of you guys - so handsome!!!

Ollie on the go - chasing Noah

Ollie on the go - chasing Noah

Well, well, well....Ollie is on the go. Crawling like crazy, and following Mommy or mostly Noah everywhere. You started to crawl on October 11th, 2017. Just a week after your 8 months bday. And man, you are enjoying your freedom! As expected, you follow Noah everywhere, and want to play with all of his toys. Not out of rivalry but clearly out of admiration and curiosity. I can see how whatever he does is most interesting to you, as he is more close to your world than anyone else. We love seeing how gentle (mostly) he is with you and how patient. There are moments of jealousy of course, but that's totally normal. He might not always share everything with you, but he loves you with all his heart. He enjoys feeding you and giving you water, and he very often walks by you and gives you a quick kiss or hug out of the blue. He is a terrific kiddo and you are right in his footsteps.
I always knew that you love your big brother, but now that you can go to places by yourself, it is more than obvious. Wherever Noah goes, you go! It's adorable and heartwarming from a Mom's point of you to see how you two love each other.

On the other hand, Noah is obsessed with firetrucks! Or as he would say "PIRE trucks". Everything is a "piretruck" from morning to night. So we got him a firefighter pajama and my goodness, he is adorable! (see pic attached).

I should speak to you guys more in Hungarian. It is important to know your mother's language and it's good to speak more languages in general. Unfortunately I don't do such a good job with it as Daddy, probably because most of my thoughts are in English, so i forget to use Hungarian. I am doing a better job with Ollie, not sure why, but i promise to change this. It would mean the world to me if you guys spoke my language and new about your Hungarian heritage, because it is unique and wonderful. Most people we talk to get more excited about Daddy being from Spain, but believe me, Hungary is a wonderful land with wonderful people.

A little about Mommy and Daddy. This is the :exhausting beyond limits" phase of our lives for sure - and that comes with irritation and frustration, which ultimately leads to us being "not so nice" to each other. I just want to say I am sorry if and when you guys have to witness that. We love each other very much and love you guys beyond limits, and this will never change. We are just tired on a level that we don't always know how to deal with. Exhaustion can bring on a whole new person in us - it's just the way it goes. I am trying my very best to work on this every day. i think your Daddy does too, although i think for him it's harder to step outside of a moment and remind himself of the big picture. But usually he comes around and sees it afterwards, i just wish sometimes he saw it before hurting my feelings. But he is THE BEST Daddy in this world! I can't tell you how many times I just watch him with you guys and see how lucky we all are. he loves you guys with all his heart! He feeds you, changes you, baths you, prepares meals, cleans, and on top of it, he can play with you guys endlessly. I don't even know how he comes up with all his ideas. :0

I am at work now and shouldn't be writing this probably, but I don't have much time otherwise, and I really feel like writing about our days and mostly about and to you guys.

I figured I'd post a little video of your first day of crawling Ollie. 

I love you guys with all my heart and being.
Mommy/Anya

Kicsi Lego talking up a storm

My dearest Kicsi Lego,
One day to the next you are talking up a storm. In every possible language you have heard, you are connecting the dots and your tongue rolls on speed dial. It's amazing. You are now saying phrases and simple sentences that make sense to us. I say it this way because I'm convinced you have been babbling things that made complete sense to you, just not to us. Until now!

Needless to say my all time favorite is the way you finally say "I love you"! You say: "I youuu" and if I say I love you too, you say "I youuuu toooo". Adorable!! My heart melts into a mush every time I hear you say it.
I also LOVE the way you say Mama. Although you are an all star daddy's boy (that is still a bittersweet trigger point for me), the way you say mama is the BEST in the world. First of all, you say it nonstop!!! All day long! I swear sometimes hundreds of times a day. And yet I can never get tired of it. You say it with such conviction, such emphasis, like you can see into my soul and know how quickly you can turn my entire being focused only on you every time you say "mama" "maMA" "maMMAA!" Lol

You still adore Ollie! Why am I not surprised. You might be a daddy's boy, a tough little cookie but you are sensitive. You have the biggest heart in this world. I hope and pray that you won't be afraid to show it.

I'm very tired and we have a long day ahead of us tomorrow! But I'll keep writing. Always...your maMA :) I you too!

A little turn of events for Noah - we are eating again!

My dearest Noah,

Wonderful day today! You were super cute all day, and finally after weeks of struggling, you are so well! You ate your entire plate at dinner and even asked more. It made us so happy. You have been very picky and there has been days at a time when I could have counted on one finger what you ate. It made me very sad and worries and most of all, helpless. But today changed. And even more, you brushed yourself with no fuzz. Now that is huge!! Until now you cried bloody myrder every time even though you and I both know that it doesn't hurt one bit. And when I thought things could not get better, you asked me Togo toned with you and you actually cuddled. You still wanted daddy at the end but that's okay. I feel like you showered me with love today. So...thank you. I love you so very much., it's hard to put it in words.

Olor, you are growing too rapidly. I'm. It ready to be done with the baby age...
And every day you are more and more handsome and cute. You are also super curious. Especially about everything your brother does. You follow him with your eyes everywhere and every time he goes towards you, you give him the biggest smiles. You are also very attached to me, which I love I can't lie. You are adorable!!!! Love you thru and thru!

So Kicsi Lego and Csili csalamade, you make my day everyday.

Daddy has been awesome lately too. We are so so tired (one day you guys will know when you have your own kids) that sometime later we are even too tired to want what we want. I know this makes no sense but you will know what I'm talking about one day:) being a mom is the hardest thing I've ever had to do but I'd never change any of it. Okay maybe one thing. I wish it didn't come with so much worry all the time. I think that part is the most exhausting. I can never tune out and get true mindless rest, because no matter what I worry about you guys all the time. Do you eat enough, do you eat healthy enough, do you sleep enough, do you sleep too much, do you like daycare, do you earn enough, will you get into good schools, and will you resist bad peer pressure , will we be able to give you everything you need, will you be happy, safe and healthy. And on it goes, it never ends. Most days these things are trivial or at least manageable but some days the worries can over take my mind and I just want to cry for relief. You guys (and daddy of course) are everything to me!

Mommy/Anya

One week of hell

One week of hell

Well...it all started 9 days ago. It's Wednesday, may 17, 2017 today. Last Sunday night, my baby Noah got the groups really bad. You had trouble breathing, so we gave the emergency steroid, put you in a steamy bathroom, then cold air to help. It was scary. On Monday I stayed home with you to make sure you are okay and promised work that I'll be in Wednesday or Friday to make up for it (I work from home on those days). Tuesday we all went to work and daycare but in the afternoon they called us to say you can open your right eye and it might be pink eye, which means no daycare for at least 24 hours. So we took you back to the doctor, where the confirmed its pink eye and you got an antibiotic ointment. My poor thing, how on earth you got pink eye on top of croup?:( I stayed home with you on Wednesday again. This was unbearable I'm not going to lie to you. We scheduled the siding people at our house for last week, thinking we won't be home much anyway - it's a lot of banging all day long 7am-7pm. But this was the third day home, and of course since daddy was outside, you wanted nothing to do with me. Just daddy daddy daddy. Eventually I took you out but then daddy said it's not a good idea because of all the nails...so what was I supposed to do. And in he meantime I was supposed to work. Anyway, i gave up by noon and decided to just play with Gu:) we had fun but I could tell something was not right with you. Sure enough by the evening you had high fever. We called the doctor and they said it probably just the croup and pink eye virus running their course, so we can just give Tylenol. By the morning your fever was 102 so we called the doctor again. I took you in but they didn't say anything wrong, so we were sent home thinking it's just a nasty virus and we need to alternate Tylenol and Motrin every 2-3 hours to keep the fever down. But it kept rising and by Friday night you were delirious from the fever. We took you to the doctor again and asked them to run every possible test. I said I don't care what they think if it, I want you to get tested. Thank god i was adement. As unlikely as it is under age 2, you got strep!!! My goodness. Strep is brutal even for an adult let alone Gu my sweet baby. It was unbearable to watch you in that much pain and fever and not know why or how we can help more. You didn't eat for three days, and mostly you just slept or tried to drink water or was loaded with meds. I hated it. I love you so much, like you are a part of me that when you hurt I hurt. I know you are daddy's boy and you only want him, but just know (one day you will with your own child) that doesn't make my love any less for you. The worry for your child is truly excruciating. 

Needless to say I didn't go to work all week. I felt horrible about as I just got back after three months of maternity leave. But there was no way I'm leaving you Nehemiah you are that sick. You might want to be with daddy only but mommy is mommy and I swear no one knows you as much as I do. That is why I knew to ask for tests. I knew it's not a virus. I just knew.

Of course Mother's Day weekend was still filled with the illness. By Saturday night Ollie developed a bad cough so we had to take him too. He has no fever so not much they can do. Monday you both went to school but we got the inevitable call in the pm that Ollie has the pink eye. So there I was rushing out of work, telling my boss I can't go in next day either. So I spent yesterday with Ollie at home. Thank goodness that you Noah feeling better although strangely you are still not yourself. You wake in the middle of the night screaming bloody murder and you have a very bad, unusually bad temper. I don't know how to jelly up. I want to but I'm lost.

Some say it's because of the week long fever and pain and illness. Some says it's because you realized Ollie is here to stay. Some say it's just the age. I don't know. I want to be there for you and help you but you do t really let me and it breaks my heart. Naturally as a mom, your mom, I am not giving up. I'll never give up. I'll always be there for you.

So here we are on day 10 of this crazy rollercoaster ride and I'm hoping we are out of the worst of it.