Good Night Ollie - June 2020

Good Night Ollie - June 2020

Dear Ollie,
I’m lying in your bed while you are about to sleep in your crib. You watched a couple of Bogyo and Babóca and then handed over the phone and told me you are ready to go to your crib. We put your little cushy bunny in the little hanging container on your crib and covered him with a little blanket. We put a tiny bear next to him. You turned your projectors on, hugged your Maci, rainbow monkey and puppy and my arm. You told me you love me, and my heart melted. You are 3 years and 4 months old but you still love sleeping in your crib and you still wear a pull up diaper which makes me feel like I still have a baby. I know these are the last moments of your babyhood and it’s so hard to let go. Time is traveling too fast and I’m trying to savor not only the new “firsts” but also the last of each precious stage. The last diaper, the last night in a crib, the last Bogyo es Babóca. I love you my little Ollie. Always and forever. You are a unique little boy. Determined and brave. Loving and charming. You are only 3 but already Street smart. You seem to know what you want and always go for it , never asking for forgiveness. I admire your confidence and instincts - they will take you far. Your big brother takes care of you but deep down I know you take care of him just as much. You guys got an eternal friend in each other. Never forget that. He is your biggest fan. And you are his rock.

Love
Mommy

Ps: I love that you understand so much Hungarian. I hope you will take your determination one day to really learn it.

Should I stay or should I go?

Should I stay or should I go?

How does one decide to stay in a marriage or not? Is doing it for "the kids sake" the right thing to do?
What if I'm unhappy. What if I don't see a way to be happy next to the person I'm with?
I don't believe that it is the other person's responsibility to make us happy. But I do think it's their responsibility to help and support. To allow us to be happy the way we can be happy. To care about our feelings and consider our perspectives. I do think we should feel that we matter in a relationship. or what's the point of being in it?
I do believe that while there is plenty of men and women out there, if we don't feel special in a relationship, it's not worth it. I don't want to feel like I'm A woman in my partner's life. I want to feel that I am THE woman. The special one to them. Not only do I not feel special right now, I feel like no one. Unseen. Unfelt. Misunderstood. Mistreated. Unworthy for love.

Maybe the right question is can I stay? Rather than, 'SHOULD" I stay...
How long can I devote my life to a man who is incapable of seeing me, understanding me. Who doesn't appreciate what I do and who I am. Who doesn't respect me as a wife or as a mother?

I don't know how

I don't know how...

I don't know how to go on. I don't know how to stay, I don't know how to go. I don't know how I feel about you anymore. You are mean. I remember when I met you and I told my friends and family that I think I found the one, and they asked me why, I said because "I know he would never hurt me.

I was wrong. Oh so wrong. You CAN hurt me. So often. Sometimes intentionally, sometimes not.
You have a mean side that is beyond imaginable to others. A side of you that you only save for me.

Today was a very bad day (again). I woke up in so much pain - but instead of lashing out, I told you upfront early morning that I am in a lot of pain, please be understanding. I also told you several days ago that Thursday (today) will be very busy at work - I won't have the flexibility I usually have. I asked that you please respect that and focus on the kids - so I don't have that worry. You said OK.

Yet, i found the kids twice playing alone on the other side of the house than where you were. Once, pushing each other backwards down the rail you built on a concrete patio. Yes, stupid. But is it really? Or just a 3 and 5 year old being a 3 and 5? YOU on the other hand should have been there. But you were on the phone. Why? Because you decided to call Mazda and the landscapers today. We have been talking about it for week and you could have called any afternoon when you were gone and alone, while I got the kids. I even told you to call several times in the evening when I had the kids. But no, you decided today was the best day when i counted on you.

In the morning, you slept in. You usually take on the breakfast shift since I am supposed to run or work. Today I did neither. I dressed and fed the kids, and kept them quiet so you can sleep. And then you couldn't even make sure that I could work. Nor did you tell me that you can't watch them, so that at least I could - for their safety.

And then, you let them within 6 inches from a guy with no gloves, no mask on. A complete stranger, when we have a high risk child with asthma and we are supposed to social distance 6 feet apart!!!!

You get defensive, and once again MEAN, because you feel cornered and accused that you are a bad father. Man up! Try to see my point. I don't care how often you are a good father. Lately you have done stupid shit that endangered them. That makes me feel terrible. Worried, scared, doubtful, and a million other feelings on top of all the uncertainty and pressure we already live in.

Then you apologized when I told you how I feel and came home 3 hours later just to completely disregard me. Yes that is how it felt. To you it didn't. you came home and asked how I was - so you think you did "your best" as you say. But when I responded "I feel like shit" what did you do? What did you change? How did you help? How were you there for me?

You weren't. You didn't try to ease my mind or heart. You didn't try to console me or make me feel better. Stepping in to do some chores (like a super easy dinner) isn't extra. It's what we do every day. It's what should happen way more than it happens (since I cook 99% of the time). Being there, sitting with someone, talk to them, rub their stomach or whatever hurts. Same as you do for your son.

But no. Because I am not your kid. Not anyone it feels like. Just nobody in your eyes. And I just can't do it anymore. 

I miss you

I miss you

I am struggling. I am struggling with our relationship, and my role in it. I wonder how I got here. How we got here? Were there obvious signs ignored? Or just overwhelmed with other priorities at the moment?

I remember the beginning. Vaguely, but I do. It was liberating. Relaxing. Like coming home. I felt on the top of the world. Secure and loved. I felt that I could never be hurt. Not by you at least.

But time has proven otherwise. I got hurt. More than Once. By you.
Is it me? Did I cause it? Did I deserve it? And if so, for how long? How much?
What  should I do? What CAN I do?

We have two beautiful kids. They are simply awesome. But they feel it, and my heart breaks because no matter how hard I try to hide it or spare them from the feeling that we are broken in some ways, I don't seem to get a grip on it. It's too deep. Too frequent. Too painful.

I've tried to talk to you many times. You think it's nagging...bitching...complaining. I've tried to change. I've tried to accept it's life...that there is nothing more to it. I've tried to lower my expectations. I've tried to look at it from different angles, and I tried to react differently.
I tried reacting as much as I tried being proactive. I tried tears, I tried anger, I tried sadness.
I tried distance and I tried closeness. You name it, I tried it all.

Our life isn't easy. It hasn't been since the kids came along. We are in the grind every day, every waking minute. Of course, I feel gratitude for our health and for our kids and for everything we have. But in reality, our life isn't what I pictured, what I hoped for. We work nonstop. We barely have time for our kids, let alone for each other. We never stop. We don't see half of what the other carries on his/her shoulder, and therefore we don't show half the appreciation for each other as we should. Or maybe we are just too tired to show it. I don't know. It's draining. We both give, we both grind, we both go 100 miles/hr - so much so that we don't have the time TO PAUSE and simply, care.

Care for each other. Care for ourselves. Pause, to say THANK YOU. Pause TO LISTEN. Pause to offer sympathy or to offer healthy confrontation. Pause to enjoy life. Our lives. And somehow, our life has become nothing but work - work at work, work at home, work with the kids. Work we get paid for, and work we don't. Household logistics, parenting, caregiving, cleaning, accounting, nursing, organizing, planning, appointments, endless to do lists, shopping, packing, unpacking, yard work, house work, laundry, etc. etc. etc.

Suddenly, I find ourselves not living. We don't give the time of the day to each other. And through all this I "complain". Or so you claim: I complain all the time.
So yes. I complain. I am not going to defend myself or come up with excuses if that is how you see it. But so what if I complain? Never mind, that we both do. Never mind that maybe I have some merit (legit reasons) to the complaints. But most of all, never mind that complaining is STILL BETTER than other options. Complaining means I still care.

There is a huge difference between criticism and complaint.
Criticism carries judgement.
Complaint carries a need. Complaining means one cares. One needs. One asks. Maybe they don't ask or communicate the best way, but nevertheless they do.

I complain about you not listening because I need TO BE HEARD.
I complain that you don't look at me when I speak because I need TO BE SEEN.
I complain that you don't initiate conversations or spending time with me because I need TO MATTER.
I complain that you don't do certain things for me without putting up an argument or without having it to be on your terms, because I need TO FEEL IMPORTANT to you.
I complain that you get defensive because I need TO BE UNDERSTOOD.

There are only 3 words that are more important to me than "I love you". And those are: I UNDERSTAND YOU. That means more than anything to me (to most of us) and that is what made me fall in love with you. For the first time, I felt understood when I met you. It's been a long time, a very long time that I felt that way.

I complain because I don't feel noticed. I don't feel that my thoughts and feelings count for something. I don't feel more important in your world than work or other people on the other end of a text, or call or facebook.
I want to be appreciated and I want my life, which I am SPENDING WITH YOU, to be meaningful.

I don't want to get through life. I don't want to make it through our marriage. I want to live. I want to dive in and experience marriage - even when we fight, knowing that at the end of the day we will land on the same page, even when that means sacrifice or compromise.

The truth is I rather fight than feel nothing. Fights are not the reason for a relationship to die. Unfair fight however is poison. Saying things just to hurt is fatal. It's mean, and "mean" cannot be part of any relationship. Words are powerful. Whether one means them or not...Once they are said, they are also heard. And therefore, they cannot be taken back. They are out there doing what they were meant to do. In this case hurting.

Realizing happiness in the midst of a pandemic

Realizing happiness in the midst of a pandemic

My kids are my life. I love them more than anything from the first moment I saw them.
I’ve always thought we are doing everything we can to be the best parents and that was probably true. I also knew that the grind we were living in wasn’t healthy or normal. It was increasingly difficult to enjoy moments of joy because everything was a rush.

Then came the COVID-19 pandemic and it put the world in an awkward pause. It forced us to slow down and be together. The notice what’s really meaningful and realize priorities. Family, health, simple joy.

It gave us a chance to reflect on the past and contemplate the future while being amazingly aware of the present. It gave us time...with each other, with ourselves, for one another.

Thh hi is pandemic is scary. It’s sad. It’s worrisome and it will have a long lasting effect on the economy, on health care and on people’s lives and livelihood.
But it will also give us unforgettable moments.

To me, it has so far given me perspective. On how important family is. How crucial our health is. How important it is to appreciate the present and to be able to make flexible plans. Life can be like the book “welcome to holland”. Just because plans change it doesn’t mean we have to give up on happiness. We just have to find it elsewhere.

I found it in my kids. In a different way than ever before. I’ve worked hard and endured the grind knowing that’s the only way to provide the best for them. I call bullshit on my own actions.
What they need and want isn’t fancy toys or extra curricular activities. What they want is time with us. And that’s what I try to give them. I cherish every moment and I hope I can make changes that will allow me to continue with a more realistic and fulfilling work/life balance.

Noah and Ollie are my world. And I want to be a part of their world. I want to witness their path, their lives and help them find themselves. Help them become who they dream to be whatever that may be. I want to give them the belief that reaching for the stars is not only okay, but a way to reach happiness. Believing in miracles is okay. Believing in themselves is a must. Because they themselves are miracles. They already are and they already have everything they need to be who they are meant to be. The rest is just practice, belief, faith, perseverance. Lastly, I want to show them that  we are always here for them no matter what. Always.

They will rock this world. They already rock mine.

Mommy

To Never Forget...

To Never Forget...

It’s April 15^th, 2020.

• -        Massachusetts is under a “stay-at-home” advisory by Governor Charlie Baker
• -        The price of gas is $1.69/gallon
• -        Schools have been close for a month (since March 16^th)
• -        There are lines inside and outside of stores to distance people
• -        You can only leave the house wearing a mask
• -        Non-essentials stores and businesses are closed
• -        Parks are not accessible to the public
• -        All sport competitions are cancelled.
• -        Concerts, festivals, entertainment events ae cancelled.
• -        Weddings, family celebrations, holiday gatherings are cancelled.
• -        Funerals are delayed or only attended by 2-4 immediate family members
• -        Churches are closed.
• -        You can date no one outside of the house.
• -        Outdoor playgrounds for kids ae closed.
• -        We need to get away from each other more than 6 feet.
• -        Shortage of masks and gloves in hospitals.
• -        There are not enough artificial respirators compared o the numbers of people in need.
• -        Supermarkets missing basic and essential items, such as toilet papers, flour, yeast, paper towel, etc.
• -        Governments closed borders to all non-essential travel
• -        Fines are imposed for those who want to break the rules.
• -        The Roads are almost empty.
• -        People are afraid to leave home.

-        Here is the COVID-19 pandemic declared on March 11, 2020.

Wonder why I am writing this?

Within a year, and every year it will appear in my Facebook memories section, and it will be an annual reminder that life is precious and that you can’t take anything for granted and feel enough gratitude until the following year being there where we are with comfort we have.

Be grateful.

Our Daily Lives

Our Daily lives - February 20, 2020 (My 39th Birthday)

This is not intended to be a structured and well written piece. i guess non of the blog entries are, but I feel especially strongly about mentioning it now, since this topic has been on my mind but it is so overwhelming that i keep putting it aside. The problem with that is that our lives are changing so fast, I am afraid to miss the opportunity about the current one. I already missed the chance to write about life with tiny babies (infants), so I figured I just write down what I can, even if it's not well organized.

One day I presume my kids will have kids on their own and as a future grandma, I want to be able to remember how it feels to be in the midst of it all, so i can adequately help when the time comes. Sometimes, it is hard to remember how something felt in the past, prohibiting us from being able to offer real empathy and helpful encouragement to others. So here it goes.

Our boys (Noah and Ollie) are 4.5 and 3 years old. Yes this is really the thick of it. Fatigue is present nonstop and runs so deep it is hard to describe. Most of the time it's a chaos. We try to follow some parenting fundamentals and make the best decision we can in the moment with the future in mind, but boy it is difficult when we are stretched to our limits every day, every hour.

Most weekdays, my alarm goes off at 5:30 am. I leave the house at 6:36 and I'm siting on the 6:50 am train heading to work. By I commute about an hour and a half on a good day, two hours (or more) on a bad one. I carry a rather heavy backpack with my laptop and I usually write some personal emails or "to do" lists on the train. I am at work for 8-8.5 hours and then I had home. I get an hour lunch break, but I rarely take it, since i always have to work or run errands for the family during lunch; or make phone calls to doctors, offices, various departments, etc - there is always something to take care of. So lunch in peace and quiet is non existent these days.

After work, I walk a mile and a half to the train, with my backpack, usually calling Daddy - our last check in before we get home and the craziness starts. When i get off the train I drive to daycare to pick the boys up. This is usually fairly fast but also stressful. All parents are doing the same, so it's a bit chaotic there, kids are excited and loud, they are thrilled to see us but don't want to leave without showing us things or finishing the activity they are working on at the moment. Getting in the car is a bad joke. The nervous words to get them in the car without yelling (because who wants to do that in front of teachers and other parents), the begging or arguing to sit down and buckle so we can finally leave and give our parking spot to another rushing and tired parent.

I LOVE seeing the boys after my day (I miss them every day) but I am also exhausted from a long, nonstop day that is just about to slide into second shift.
After daycare we either go home (Monday, Wednesday, Friday) or head straight to Noah's karate class (Tuesday and Thursdays) making the day even longer. By the time we get home, it's dinner time. If we are lucky, one of us makes it home 30 minutes earlier to start cooking, if not, we go into panic mode to clean the lunch boxes, start peeling, chopping dicing and cooking while trying to be with the kids. We want to spend quality time with them, we think about it all day with excitement but when the time comes, there is just so much to do between stepping through the door and going to bed. Cooking, cleaning, preparing for next day, help with potty, play, discipline, bathe, brush teeth, give medicine (Noah has asthma so medicine is every morning and every night), put creams and oils for skin conditions and finally crash in the bed...to READ.

See by this time, when our bodies finally hit a bed, any bed, we just want to crash. I swear our body is so sore, that I feel like my hair hurts. But we need to read, we want to read, we want to chat about their days, tell stories and then pray that they fall asleep fairly fast. Noah has always been challenging at night. He doesn't go to sleep alone and take 90-120 minutes to fall asleep. Whoever goes with Noah, falls asleep with Noah, which means no downtime, no "me" time, no release at the end of the day. Just sliding into the next day to do it all over again. Lately Ollie has been challenging to put to sleep as well. he used to take 5-10 minutes, now it's an hour. We have to figure something out because it's just too much. We need a little time at the end of the day for ourselves and for each other.

 Whoever does the morning shift with the boys, has to wake up, dress him or herself, dress the boys (usually with fighting about what clothes to wear or not to wear), go downstairs, make breakfast, clean up breakfast, give medicine, go to potty, put shoes and sweaters on, make lunch, pack lunch, put coats on and get in the car. This is ritual is NEVER LESS THAN 90 minutes. At least. Whoever is doing the morning shift is exhausted before even getting to work. See when i wake up early to go to work, I can wake up at 5:45 or even 6 and still leave at 6:30. Uninterrupted time, getting ready, quiet and peace. The person getting the kids ready for school doesn't get that. It's hard to even brush teeth or go to pee in the morning in peace when the kids are there.

I am at work, so I have to cut this short. The way I want to finish this writing, is to say I LOVE my kids. I adore them. I think they are the greatest things on this planet. I will jump in front of a train for them. I love them through and through.
It is an incredibly taxing time of our lives but also the best. It's exhausting, but I, for some reason, also love their dependency on us. The unconditional love, the way they make us feel like we are their universe and cannot do wrong in their eyes, the endless trust they have in us, the curiosity in everything we do or say cannot be taken lightly. It comes with the responsibility to treat them with eternal love, kindness and support. We are the people who will NEVER hurt them, who will always be by their side, who will love them with everything they truly are, who will be their pillars when they need a boost and the shoulders they will sometimes need to lean on to reach their dreams and goals.