Phrases that made a difference

Meaningful phrases that made a difference: 

1. I am not interested in whether you stood with the great. I am interested in whether you sat with the broken. 

2. Ever since I learned to talk, I was ordered to listen. 

Pandemic in our house

Pandemic in our house

It's been almost 14 months since the pandemic began; and we are still home. I can't lie I LOVE the no commute, mostly because it allows a way better work life balance than before. I LOVE waking up with you boys; you are just so cute cuddling in the morning. 

Daddy is getting his second Moderna vaccine this afternoon, and I am getting my second Pfizer tomorrow. I am a bit scared of the side effects, mostly because I don't want to feel yucky at the same time as Daddy and have you guys worry about us. This is a totally normal side effect of the vaccine and we have some tylenol to help if needed. Might be lots of pizza, cookies and TV weekend though:) 

I have so many thoughts every day that I want to tell you boys, but when I sit down to write - nothing comes to me, except how much I love you both. I sometimes I feel that I didn't achieve much in life, but then I realize that I have you two. Motherhood is by far the biggest achievement and reward in my life. It challenges me every day but also fill my heart. 

Now that Daddy and I will be vaccinated, I wonder if we could venture out more, but then I start worrying about Noah. Noah, you can't catch the corona virus - with your asthma, I feel like your lungs need to be protected above beyond. You wont' be able to get a vaccine at least until the end of this year - so I don't think our lives will change much until then. Sometimes, I say "unfortunately" but then I wonder "is it unfortunate?". At the beginning of the pandemic it was hard to coop with the lack of things to do and places to go. Now, a year after, I am struggling with having the motivation or desire to go anywhere. I like being home with you boys, and the thought of going anywhere makes me worried - I don't know why. 

I like the comfort and safety of our home, and I am having the jitters when I think of leaving it even for a short distance or short period of time. It will get some getting used to, but we will get there. I want you boys to see so many things in the world! Travel and experience different places and different people. It is by far the best thing in this world! 

Also, Noah I want to get you a dog. And a mouse. Whatever you want really, but I don't know how to figure out what to do with them if and when we want to travel. Pets make you less free - the reward is worth it usually but it is still something we must figure out. I am working on it though, you are so good with puppies - and I know how I felt when I was your age and how much I want it a puppy. So believe me bud, I will get us one:)

The Day of my Citizenship Interview

The Day of my Citizenship Interview

The Day has come. Finally. After almost 20 years in the United States, I have finally arrived to this milestone. I took my civics test today and interview for the approval of my American citizenship in Boston, MA in the JFK Building. 

My appointment was set for 7:00 am and I arrived promptly, despite some unexpected traffic during a pandemic and school vacation week. I walked into the building, where I went through security, put my mask on and went to the 6th floor. There, they took my temperature (standard procedure nowadays everywhere) and gave me my assigned number "P1". 

I was seated in a room where chairs were positioned 6 feet apart, with only one other individual "P2". 

P2 was called inside within ten minutes, but for some unknown reason, I was waiting 45 minutes. I was growing frustrated, not because I mind the wait (after all, I waited 20 years already) but because I was nervous about the virus. Finally they called me in, went through my application file, asked some general questions, including whether I wanted to change my name. This took me by surprise. There has been so many back and forth about my name in the past few years, and every time I waiver a bit. I kept my name when I married Ruben, because I couldn't imagine myself as anything else than Szilvia Szegedi. 

Then my children were born, and they got Daddy's name. At least one last name: Martin. And all of a sudden that is all I wanted. I always thought when I finally get my citizenship, I will change it to match theirs. But then the application time came and I went back and forth, soliciting more than a couple of people's input. Finally, I decided to keep my name. My children carry my last name as their middle name anyway. We all have different last names, but we are one family. And I was glad to keep the name I had for nearly 40 years. 

But then, today when the woman asked me about it again, I couldn't help but doubt myself...again. I truly hate this feeling. I was so excited to be over with and pass the test but this put a cloud over my head as I walked out of there with doubts about my decision. I stuck with my decision because I knew I thought it through once already and made a decision. An impulsive decision wouldn't have been better. So many things are uncertain nowadays, I need to trust some of my decisions at least. 

So, I kept my name. The civics test contains of 10 question, of which, I must answer 6 correctly. Since I answered the first six correctly, there was no more questions. They asked:

1. What is the capitol of Massachusetts?
2. What happened on September 11, 2001?
3. What does the judicial part of the government do? 
4. What is one responsibility assigned to the federal government? 
5. For how many years do we choose a representative? 
6. Who makes federal laws? 

Once I passed that test, I had to write down: Mexico is south of the United States.  

And I had to read what country is south of the United States? 

After this, she sent my recommendation for approval for my citizenship, congratulated me, and told me the oath ceremony would be in a week or two. Big step in my life, and it has not sunken in yet. It's weird. I thought I would feel such a high after but I am anxious and I don't know why, other than I always do the same thing after a big event, I anticipate how excited I will be after but then I just feel a big void. 

In any case, I know this is huge and I am happy it's over. And I am still Szilvia Szegedi, proud mama to Noah and Oliver Martin - the best things that have ever happened to me. 

Notes to remember from the book "The Choice"

Notes to remember from the book "The Choice"

Exceptional book. I've read a lot of self helping book or memoir but not many had such a great impact on me as this one. Dr. Eger is amazing. Her story is amazing, though sadly one in many many of the Holocaust survivors. But her triumph, her way of not only surviving but thriving is exceptional. 

I am still reading it, but there has been a couple of points she makes that I want to remember and practice in my life, so I decided to write them down:

1. No blame: 

Take responsibility for your own actions and words. Before you say or do anything ask:

Is this kind? 

Is it important?

Does it help? 

2. Use teamwork to achieve common goals. If the house needs cleaning, each member of the family should have an age appropriate job. If you decide to watch or go to the movies - take turns to choose the movie. No one bears the wheel all the way. 

3. Be consistent - if curfew has been established, it can't change last minute. 

To keep in your mind and heart

 To keep in your mind and heart

Recently I read:

12 most important teachings of Buddhism about human relationships

1. Don't feel bad because there are people who only remember you when they need you. Feel privileged to have the candle in their minds that burns when they are in the dark.

2. There will always be someone in your life who does not treat you well. Thank him for making you stronger.

3. If someone mistreats you, remember:

There is something wrong with him, not you. Healthy people do not destroy each other.

4. When it hurts, listen. Life is trying to teach you something.

5. There are three solutions to every problem: accept, change, or let go. If you can't accept, make a difference. If you can't change it, let it go.

6. Let people judge you. Let them misunderstand you. Let them gossip about you. What they think of you is not your problem. Their opinion will not pay your bills. So stay kind, love persistently and be a free personality, whatever they say or do, never doubt your value and the beauty of truth. Keep shining and let the haters hate.

7. No matter how educated, talented, cool, or rich you think you are, the way you treat others will eventually tell you all about you. Integrity is everything.

8. The less you care what people think of you, the happier you will be.

9. Silence is the best answer to those who don't appreciate your words.

10. If you think everything is someone else's fault, you will suffer a lot. When you understand that everything starts from you, you will find peace and joy.

11. Where there is no respect, there is no love.

12. Relationships never die natural death. They are killed by ego, rejection and attitude.

A Brief Reflection on 2020

A Brief Reflection on 2020

While 2020 was, in many ways, disastrous and difficult, we were one of the luckier ones in the sense that we avoided any major tragedy. I know many have lost their lives or their loved ones, or lost a job and income, many have lost their businesses, the sole source of their family income and so on. We cannot compare to those and my reflection is purely based on our situation only. 

While we were confined in many ways, and could not see our families or travel to them, we haven't lost our jobs and we haven't gotten sick. We might have lost some luxuries and freedom to do whatever we want, but in the big picture, that was nothing. 

In my view 2020 actually brought many blessings. 

Of course, I miss a lot  of things, mostly being able to travel and see our families, and I do not like to constant worry and anxiety. However, I love that life slowed down a bit. I am able to have breakfast with my kids every morning and get the morning cuddles and smiling faces which I missed every morning I left to my early train to head into the city.

As I am working on our yearly family photo album, I have come to realize that the 2020 book will be thicker than any other year since I started this tradition. We have done so much as a family, so much with the kids that we would have never experienced has it not been for the pandemic.

SO what I wish for 2021 and for the future is to hold onto to the blessings and lessons that 2020 brought to our lives, maintain the new priorities, while of course reach a less worrisome environment. This seems way easier said than done of course. When things resume, it will take a conscious decision to not get caught up in the hamster wheel and not chase our tails. To savor what we have instead of craving what we don’t.

I do want to say that my heart goes out to those who have lost their lives or their loved ones or their jobs. We might have gone crazy balancing work and two preschoolers during a pandemic with no help of any sort, but our struggles do NOT compare to those I'm thinking of right now. I hope the world will become more safe and enjoyable soon and we can all celebrate in small ways.

 

 

Thank you 2020

Thank you 2020

And here we are...everyone salutes to 2021, welcoming the new year, and waving bye to the “sucky” year behind us as they say. 

But truth to be told, I said 2020 will be a good year when we started and now on the last day, hours before we enter 2021, I must say it was indeed a good year. 

Yes, there was fear and distance and lots of worry and anxiety. But there was also so much time as a family, so many precious moments with the boys, no wasted hours with commute, working in the comfort of our home, mornings together every day, the smiles, the laughter, the cuddles, the kisses, the hugs. So much was so good that I’m afraid to say good bye to it. So here is to a fantastic 2021, one that takes all the good from 2020 but takes away the fear of losing loved ones and the anxiety with our health. Here is to remaining strong to maintain what we gained this year, rather than trying to move on and forget. Here is to learn, recognize and savor all the good that 2020 brought us. Yes, the lesson was hard, but it had to be. We were all so caught up in the culture of “more is better” that we couldn’t even see what we have, let alone appreciate it. So here is to take what we got, recognize the blessings and holding onto them, and of course here is to finding a new way to a healthy happy life together, with love and care for ourselves and each other. Here is to people, rather than things; here is to slowing down rather than speeding up; here is to appreciating “what is” rather than “what isn’t”. So thank you 2020, welcome 2021!